I'm woken up at 5:30am each and EVERY day. As I sit there, my mind spinning as it tries to think clearly. I worry. I dream. I worry again. I dream some more. I plan. I plot. I try to focus. I learn. I forget. I worry once more. I'm back where I started.
My life is far from normal. Whatever normal is. I don't even seem to live in reality anymore. Its like my brain has given up on "reality" and has moved off to la la land...and just so happened to "forget" to leave a "reach-me-address". Nothing is real to me anymore. Everything is a lie, a fake...its not real. I live in this world, that doesn't even exist. My life...isn't realistic. My dreams...aren't realistic. My expectations...aren't realistic. Nothing about me is realistic...is real. Its like I'm not even here half the time. My mind's lost in some foreign land, and I can't seem to find my way back. Part of me is fighting to get back...while the half...is beginning to like this different "world" where I can be whoever I want. Where I never have to worry, where things work the way they are supposed to. Where father's don't run off with other women. Where parents, siblings, friends, spouses...don't die. Where war doesn't exist. Where money is never a problem. Where everyone is treated equal. Where obesity isn't a problem. Where disease is instinct. Where teenagers aren't depressed for reasons that don't even make sense. Where people aren't haunted by their past. Where I can actually understand the thoughts that somehow appear in my head. That somehow seem to make sense, but I don't know how. Where things are the way I've always imagined.
But this world doesn't really exist. Its not real, never has been...and sadly will never be. People will die. Fathers will run off with other women. Disease is still running about our world--killing all in its path. War is still going strong, and there doesn't seem to be any end. Depression attacks the innocent--never leaving any escape. Obesity, poverty, and unexplainable things...still happen.
And I'm still sitting here. In dire need of a bigger brain. One that could comprehend these thoughts. One that could make sense of my confused emotions. One that doesn't become depressed for no apparent reason. Yet I don't have any of it. I'm still here, still unable to understand. And still---depressed.
