A Jolly Rancher's Brain

*This post uses words that one can only understand, if they have read the previous posts*

Its another Jolly Rancher Day. Thank GOD! God, knows I needed one. But what's really been on my "real" brain is this "what occupies my time when I'm in "Jolly Rancher" mode?"

Hm..its not really that hard to figure out actually. The future. And when I put it that way, its more like the Jolly Rancher side of me is the Future. And the Licorice side of me is the past. Now that is an interesting way of putting it. So then what's the present? If I'm always battling between the two, then when am I ever in reality? If I ever am actually in reality that is.

Writing. Writing. Writing. Writing. Future. Writing. Writing. Writing. Writing. Future. Writing. Writing. Writing. Publishing. Writing. Writing. Writing. Blah.  Blah. blah. Blah.

That's basically what's on my mind. All I think about these days is the future. Both the future of MY life and the lives of my many overly long stories/novels. I've researched publishing. I've bought books on writing novels and publishing novels. I've joined groups online. I've taken tons of notes, and my brain is constantly plotting out ways to improve my stories and eventually...publish them. At night, my brain is clouded with ideas, its constantly working out the thoughts and puzzle pieces that make up my stories. And at the same time, its creating new ones. I have so many different stories locked up in my head i can't think straight. So when I am in a Jolly Rancher mode. All I do is type, edit, research. Oh and plot out my own future. :)

But for now that's about it. Thankfully, it takes my mind off of other things. Things I'd rather forget, but know that I won't. It distracts me from the past. (Which has somehow managed to catch up with me again-but that's meant for another post.)

Alter Ego or Bi-Polar? Or something totally different?

I have two sides. I think everyone knows that. Most people do, but there's something about mine. That separates me from the crowd. How to explain this, I'm not exactly sure. However I do know that I have, well....2 personalities. In a way. I feel like the person in all the cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Except, that's not exactly what its like with me. My 2 personalities know about each other, but are completely oblivious to the other's thoughts, ideas, wants, etc. (Which is why I call them "personalities"-its not exactly bi-polar...but...well, i don't know really)

Now, when one of these "personalities" is in control, the other is completely helpless. Like it's asleep or something. Actually this is only true when the "devil" personality is in control. Because that side is always "awake" while the other tends to sleep for long periods of time. 

However, I am currently the happier, lighter, carefree, God following one. Yet I can feel the other one plotting in the back of my mind on how and when it will take over next. So far, I've been in this "state" for a few days now. I think having a break from school and all that stress has eased up my life a bit. But I know that shortly, it will all go away and become a "Licorice" sort of day once more. 

I don't like it when this alter ego, personality, THING is in control. Yet when it is, I can't do anything. Its like I'm sitting there watching someone else run my life. I'm depressed, I'm hateful, angry, stubborn, sinful, full of rage, etc. Its NOT good. Now those are the times that I plot my "escape" when I flee from this place I call home and in a way "ditch" my life as I currently know it. That's when I think about running away and other depressing things. That's when I spend hours crying myself to sleep. '

I'm afraid of what might happen when this "alter ego" thing takes over. I don't KNOW what will happen and it scares me. More than it should. Yet at the same time, when I am in the happier more god fearing ego, its like there is this thing...preventing me from finding God. From Calling out to him, from hearing him, from talking to him, praying, believing...etc. Its like a...well, a block. Like something you would put on a computer to keep little kids from going to sites they shouldn't. Every time the word "GOD" shows up in my "screen" this "GOD-BLOCK" shuts everything down. 

I don't know what this "thing" has in store for my life. And I'm afraid to find out. All I want is a chance to escape from this "thing" eternally. To find my way back to God, even if it means I have to do it in the dark. I'll simply have to feel my way through until I see him again. 

(Analogy) I stumble off the brightly lit path each time this "thing" takes over, and I'm thrown into the darkness. I can no longer see the lights lining the path way and I'm lost in the dark woods. Trying to find my way back, but running into hidden trees in the process. 

Another Day....

....a Jolly Rancher Day.  Lets hope it stays that way.

Where has it gone?

Where did it go? 

Why has it gone? 

How come I can't find it anymore? 

My Inspiration...

its...fled

I search, high and low 

Day and Night I search

But to no avail

Its gone

I know that now

But why, I can't seem to figure out

Why can't I...

Write the way I used to

Why can't I...

think the way I used to

Why can't I...

dream the way I used to

My life is gone

Its passed me by

I sit and stare

Waving as it pulls away

As if I no longer care

Its a lie

Its all a lie

Its always been a lie

Yet no one can see

No one believes

They can't see as clearly

They can't understand

That its not true

It never has been

I care

I swear

I do! 

Why can't anyone else see that!

Its as if 

the words I type

are invisible to all but me

as if no one else can see

the truth hidden within me

Alone Tonight

I'm alone tonight

can't anyone hear

the tears falling from my eyes

the breaking of my heart

as my world falls apart

I'm alone tonight

can't anyone see

the tear stained pages that lay before me

the shattered remains of my life

the pain hidden behind my eyes

can't anyone see

that i'm dying here tonight

My mind can't comprehend

the pain that hides within my memories

the pain i'm running from

it can't understand

where the pain comes from

or why i run from it so

it can't comprehend

even the simplest thought

I'm alone tonight

because no one else cares

they don't try

and those that do

i push away

i'm alone tonight

because i can't accept it

i can't believe

that someone would care

especially when

i dont even care

when my life is so far gone

that i'm ready to give up

to stop fighting so dang hard

to give up and let my life

simply fall away

i'm alone tonight

because i can't understand

the thoughts that float through my head

and if i can't understand

then there is no reason

why anyone should...

or would...

be able to

The Impossible

What's impossible...Hiding from God.

Yet even with the knowledge that it IS impossible...why do some, still attempt to hide from him? Why do some still hope that eventually, after many years, after running around in countless circles, that they may finally escape from him? That they may be free from his prying eyes, free to do what they wish. To screw up their life, knowing that they could have done so much better? Why?

Why do they run away, knowing that he will find them again? Knowing that he knows every thing about them...what they will do with their life.

Why, I can't tell you. But I can tell you about my own journey. My journey to accomplish...the impossible. With full knowledge that I will fail. Yet I can't seem to cancel this journey, I have to go through with it. I just have to.

A few weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with a close friend (and cousin) of mine. It was during another one of my "la la" land adventures. He asked why I had not been praying. And I told him. Flat out told him. He didn't know what to say. I told him how I'd heard it all. All the sermons, songs, stories...all of it. I'd heard them over and over again. But that was all it was now...simply songs, sermons, stories...nothing more. This "religion" is more a part of my so called "life" rather than a conscious decision. Its like it was just shoved into my life as a way of life...like I never made the choice...but I didn't want that. I wasn't trying to run from God. But at the same time I was. I was trying to remove God from my life, even thoguh I didn't want to. I want God, but at the same time...part of me doesn't. Its like part of me is dying to be free from my past life...and since I grew up as a Christian...that part of me believes that in order to be free I have to remove everything from my past...including my believes. I know this is wrong, I know this isn't the truth...but the other 1/2 of me isn't listening. I can't control it, this...dark....evil side of me. I can't contain it. Every now and then it pops up, takes a glimpse around the free world and realizes that it LOVES this freedom. And then, I'm stuck, struggling to decide which is right, and which is wrong. Running from something that is more powerful than I could ever be or trying to forget it all and move on.

And then a few days ago some people were talking about how we have to rely on God and I was sitting there thinking "Will you just shut up about God already!? I don't want to hear it..." Its the same way with Prayer. I don't want to. Its not that I can't, or that he's not listening. I don't want to . And that thought scares me. It honestly scares me. But what can I do? If everything related to God, I'm shoving away faster than I can embrace it?

Will I?

I am Depressed. There I said it, except technically I haven't. I have never said the word aloud, to myself, referring to myself. And now, on the day my brother gets married...I find myself sitting here thinking about how terribly screwed up I am.

What teenage girl in her right mind, (one that has grown up in the church), would run from God? Who would turn down his advice, turn away from his face, shove his words into the back of her mind, avoid talking to him, avoid thinking about him....what teenage girl would do such a thing?! A screwed up one....a screwed up, depressed one such as myself. That's who.

Now....now that I have such wonderful information within my grasp...what do I do with it? Do I shout it on the rooftops. "I'M DEPRESSED!" "I'M INSANE!" Do I confront my family and tell them the truth, and then be shoved into a psych ward for my screwed up brain?

Do I turn back to God? And if so...then how? Will I even be able to contain that dark side of me that doesn't want anything to do with him? Will I ever be able to? Will I?

The "D" word and sleep

I am avoiding it. I never say that I am "depressed" but in my head I know that I am. So if I never say it, but I think it...does that mean that I am claiming it?


I am unable to sleep. I haven't slept well in weeks, maybe months. Each night I lay in bed thinking. I think too much. Way too much. My mind wanders aimlessly, and then I come to thoughts that I shouldn't even be thinking about yet. Things that I'd rather forget, or don't need to worry about yet. And its during these times that I go from being perfectly okay with the world to being perfectly NOT okay with it.

Running

All I do these days is run. Run away from the past. From my problems. From friends and family. Everything I do, encourages or aids my fleeing behaviors. 

And now, just as I have done once a month since January 2008. I'm considering running away again. this time for good. I could do it. All I need to do is go to college, and then just never come back. It wouldn't be too difficult really. Just stop talking to people, "lose" addresses, happen to be busy when they come, flights are too expensive...etc. It really wouldn't be all that hard.

Actually thats a lie. It would be hard, really hard to leave friends and family. But really the only one I want to run away from is...

....my mom. 

Cannot Escape

 Cannot Escape

Memories torture my mind

As I battle to forget

The pain wells up inside

Overflowing into my daily life

Why can’t i

Just leave it all behind

I cannot escape

Sleep fills my head with dread

Day light keeps me wondering why

I’m left with no escape

My heart turns to rock

As I try to forget

I push others out

To scared to get hurt again

So much pain, so much hurt

My life could be made of stone

Like ancient remenants of the past

I cannot run fast enough

To escape the pain that pursues me

The memories that chase me

Problems I’m too scared to face

Invade my life

Overthrowing the small remains

Of the old me

I just can’t run fast enough

Pull me to the ground

Rip out my soul

Take away the pain

I don’t want to hurt anymore

For this is one battle

That I will never win

My mind is too far gone

There is no more

Coming back

Forget it

Cause I am done

What’s the point

In trying to smile

Trying to hide

All that pain inside

No one will notice

They never do

So let it all out

Stop trying so dang hard

Fore you can’t win

Not this time

Not anymore

I cannot escape

Nightmares torture me day and night

Worry fills my soul

Every breath I take

Seems like a waste

What’s the point

I cannot escape

The lights already passed

And the tunnel is dark

No way out

Cause the way is blocked

By these dark memories

I cannot escape

Not a good year

My mind is failing me once more. I had managed to convince myself that I had succeed, so many months ago. But now I know what I was wrong. I have not forgotten nor will I ever forget that night. I've tried countless times to forget that mind shattering event between my mother and I. Yet I cannot and will never be able to. It has been ingrained in my mind, images, feelings, memories that I would rather not remember. Will always be there. Always.

It wasn't too long ago, that this event happened to occur. But it was long enough ago that I had almost succeeded in forgetting it. Until recently.

My emotional state hadn't yet been secured, and I was wobbling all over the place mentally and emotionally. Josh had only been gone for a week, maybe less than that. It was August 26, 2009 and that was my first major fight with my mom...in my entire life. It wasn't so much of a fight as a long everlasting lecture about how horrible of a child I was. How rebellious and hateful I was...blah blah blah. I was forced to sit there, in the bathroom in the dark, tears streaming down my face as my mother yelled at me and refused to let me leave the room until she was satisfied. At the same time, my younger brother was in the living room blasting the music as loud as he could so that he could drown out the noise. He and I have had to sit through several fights, mainly between my Mom and Josh...and we always hated it. (He later told me that he felt terrible, and that he hated every minute of it, and felt bad for me) I probably sat in the bathroom for an hour. Maybe a little longer. all the while crying my eyes out. I just wanted to go to my room. I just wanted to curl up on my bed and cry. but I wasn't allowed to. Actually, I wanted a hug. A hug from my brother...from Josh. But he wasn't home. He wasn't there both physically and spiritually...and he will never be again either.

Eventually I was released, and free to go to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried for 2+ hours...straight.

2009 has not been a good year. The year was supposed to bring the changes...the good changes. It haso nly brought despair. I never felt this alone until this year. I've never cried so much...until this year. I've never done this much thinking until this year and I've never wanted to run away this strongly...until now.

Who is that girl?

Who is that girl? The one that insists that she's fine, but is really dying inside? The one that pushes everyone else away, afraid that if they get too close then they'll see the strings that hold her life together.

Who is that girl? That cries herself to sleep at night. That's struggling to do what's right. Not to cry. Not to run away from her wretched life? Who is she? The one that's lost, who's alone, who's fighting to live another day? Who is she? And why does she hide so?

Who is that girl? That stares you in the eyes, and lies. Who's hiding behind a mask. Who only wants you to ask. "Who is that girl?"

Who is that girl? The one that's trying to forget. To escape from the pains of yesterday. Who is she? The one that's running from the past. The one that lies to your face. The one that can't explain. The one that's always running away. Who is she? The girl with the pain filled eyes. The pathetic pile of lies.

Who is that girl? The one that wanders along the border of fine. The one that dips her toes in depression. The one that plays with "fire". The one that claws at her arms. The one that wants to go blind. The one that wants to forget it all. The one that enjoys the pain? The one that hurts. The one that wants to hurt. The one that longs to hurt. The one that hurts to escape the memories.

Who is that girl? The jumpy one, who's always wanting to run. Who itches for escape. Longs for freedom. Dreams of a new beginning....who is trapped by the past.

Who is that girl? Who's life is falling apart. Who begs for another start. Who is she?



She is me.

Back to Reality...

Back to reality...sorta.

My life feels normal again. Back to the way it used to, but I know that in a few short weeks it will go back to being screwed up once more. You see, I saw my brother today. Josh. He's graduating from boot camp tomorrow, and we got to hang out with him today. While he was here things felt like they used to. But I know that come December 26th, I'll be back to my saddened possibly depressed self. With him gone, I'm not the same person that I really am. He's my brother, my beloved older brother. One who I have looked up to for my entire life. He's always been there for me, but when he's gone...its like part of me is missing. My life isn't in order, I'm not the same. He was the last thing that kept me from blowing up...from becoming the cruel, cold, harsh, insane, jerk, heartless mongrel that I really am. The side of me that's hidden 24/7, buried behind thick steel doors with deadbolts every where. The side of me that hasn't seen the light of day for years. YEARS!

But when he's gone...its like the doors become unlocked, and that evil side of me just walks right out. It explores its new freedom, tests the limits and then realizes that it enjoys this new freedom. It locks up the old self, and lives on...lying to everyone else. Shoving each and everyone away that so much as DARES to even begin to approach me.