Where Have All the Men Gone?

Daddy problems. Or Lack of "Daddy", problems. This last weekend I went up north to my cousin's wedding, she danced with her "daddy", walked down the aisle with her "daddy", had her "daddy" speak to everyone, and they even had a "daddy & daughter" dance where all the dads went out and danced with their little girls.

I had to fight back the tears and hide my face behind my baby cousin so my Mom wouldn't see.

Today, they talked about Dads in class, and about how little girls just want them to be there to hold them, tell them everything is going to be okay, and to ask who they need to go beat up.

Once again I had to fight back tears from my classmates as all those emotions from the previous two days flooded through me. Immediately after class I hoped in my car and drove. I drove for a solid 2 hours, out into the wilderness, exploring the the edges of the roads, following paths until the three lane black top road turned to a one way gravel trail. Some 2 hours later I finally returned, bleary eyed, tired, feeling down, lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, and slightly depressed.

I spent the day laying on the couch watching Disney movies, mopping around the apartment and trying to be happy. I munched on comfort foods, all with way too many calories and lounged around some more. At some point Carter showed up and made me food, and we watched a movie. Toy Story. One I had watched only a few hours earlier.

I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to listen to anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone. I didn't want to even talk to God about it, knowing full well what he'd say to me. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted my family. My real family. I wanted my brothers to hug me and tell me I'd be okay. I wanted my Dad to love me. I wanted my Grandfathers to be alive and to actually care about me.



It's hard, having no father figure in your life. Not even a Grandfather. Nor an older brother around to comfort you and hug you and ask who they need to go beat up.

Sigh, where have all the men disappeared to? Why are there none in my life? No Fathers. No Brothers. No Grandfathers. None.

Where has my life gone?

Time.

It's passing me by, faster than I would like. I look back on my life, on the years I've spent and what memories do I have? I've always waited until I was older, more mature to start having fun. What I didn't realize was that my life was wasting away. I live my life without any form of true fun, I have no memories to look back on and laugh about. Where did my childhood go, where did the fun and excitement, the carefree, reckless teenage years...where did they disappear to?

Now, now I'm all...adultish. I'm responsible and mature, not because I choose to be. But because I have to be. I can't just blow 40 bucks at the mall, I have to save it for tuition and rent. I can't just eat out everyday after school, I need to budget that money to help pay my way home for Thanksgiving. I have to get up and force myself to go to school and to work because...well heck, I'm PAYING for this school, why skip it? And I have to go to work because I need the money. I wish I could go to work because I enjoyed it, but alas---i'm not there yet. I know someday I will be, but that's not yet.

Sigh. Everything's not yet. That's all I've told myself since I was a kid "Not yet" and now. Now I look back and I feel like I've wasted my life away.

Being an adult isn't any fun. And to think, I was excited about coming down here and being an adult. Apparently, I didn't know what I had when I had it. How many people can say the same? Probably too many.

TIC

This is College

I've gone through so many odd, weird, interesting, different things lately that it's almost become common. When things go as planned, now that's just weird. That's something that NEEDS to be discussed. But what I now consider normal, common, typical-those are the things people want to hear about. Cause while it's normal for me, it's not for them. So what has happened that needs to be shared?

I met Edward Cullen. In real life-his name is Jake. How ironic is that?
I learned that Carter has a very low tolerance for drugs :)
I learned that skipping class results in low grades.
I figured out that if you don't emerge from your apartment in more than 36 hours-then you're a hermit by default.
I've been called "baby" by old men in hotel rooms.
I've been stuck at work at the end of the day, with no ride home.
I've ruined surprise birthday gifts.
I've gone to Walmart alone at midnight for toilet paper.
I've been approached by an old man in a Walmart parking lot for gas money.
I lost $20 in tip money-I don't know how. I totally cried all the way home after that, frustrated and confused.
I've laid in bed sobbing.
I've stared at a picture of my "nieces" for hours, trying to not cry.
I stood at the head of the tub, and used the shower head to spray it down.
I wanted to cut my feet off to stop the pain after spending an entire day standing at work.
I fell on my bed, in my work clothes, and passed out in a second.
I spent 2.5 hours reading a tiny 50 page book on the 3 fold nature of man.
I have peed in the bathroom while my roommates were in there. They're trying to break me in.
I shared my poetry with my roommate.
I danced and sang praises to God after an amazing night at church.
I watched as God moved in my roommate's lives.
I sat on the kitchen floor for 2 hours when my roommates fought with each other in the living room. this was my 2nd day at school.
I have been body slammed in my bed twice by a roommate.
I have taught myself how to cook via Google.
I learned that my roommates don't know to survive without a microwave.
I learned that sharing food isn't always a good idea.
I learned that if you don't do dishes they pile up.
I learned that said dishes attract bugs.
I learned that if you leave a damp towel on the counter top for a long time-said bugs will mate underneath it.
I finally understand how my family felt about the litter box.
I finally appreciate my little brother.
I was pranked my cousin and his roommates-they called and told me a murderer was on the loose and knocking on random people's doors. Said guys-then came and knocked on my door all creepily like.
I took a shower at the gym because ours was broken.
I have a friend who likes to pretend his Moses and leading his people out of exile/exhalation. Once free of the mass of people trying to exit, we then promptly complain. :)
I have 13 books due by November 10th, I've read one.
I ran to walmart at midnight for ice cream and cookie dough.
I went to an expensive hair cutting salon and was pampered for the day.
I've rolled hundreds of silverware for work.
I watched as one of the kittens popped on of my roommates faces.
I played hide and seek in the park at 2am.
I colored princesses and fish just for the fun of it.
I made breakfast for my roommates' birthday.
I have yet to be late for work.
I took off one of my socks because it matched the other one. I physically could not live with myself for wearing it.
I walked to Wendy's with a group of people at 2am because we were hungry.

Yep, this is College.

Flickering Lights

Flickering Lights.
Broken Dreams.
Nightmares become Reality.

Do I dare?
Do I dare jump into the unknown?
Am I brave enough to face the trials?
The persecution?
Would I crumble,
Would I stand strong
Even when all else is going wrong?

Who Am I

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

Who am I, to question your motivation.
The reasoning behind your call
whether I'm worthy or not.
If I deserve the blessing?

Creative Juices

I've always had problems getting my creative juices flowing when I have no desirable form of inspiration. I mean, my brain can only do so much here. So, that's where pictures come in. Since I mainly write fantasy I tend to look up fantasy landscapes and wallpapers or just pictures that would seem impossible. They get my mind working and I try to figure out what my character would do if they were in a place like that. So, without further ado (I hate that phrase-whoever came up with it anyway, it sounds so lame) here  are my pictures of inspiration to get the creative juices flowing.

365

I'm attempting the 365 Photo a Day Challenge once again. Last time I sort of managed to get to about month 3, but then spring break through me for a loop and I lost it. Oops. Well, here I am trying it again only a few months later. I figured there's really no better way to start than to just--Start. So that's what I'm doing. I technically started it a little bit ago, but I'm just now blogging about it. Go figure. Probably doesn't help that I'm super behind in my blogging. Oops. Oh well. In case you were interested, here are my first few days of the challenge. I have more, but they aren't blog worthy. At least not yet...

 

1.365

Blog Fail

That awkward moment when someone realizes the post is about them.....and you know you can't deny it.

Oops.

To Camp or Not to Camp?

Before you start yelling at me for using that line incorrectly, please know that I have taken Shakespeare and that I do know the true meaning of the "To be or not to be?" quote. I do in fact know that he is talking about life and death. However, if you do not know that-they please don't use that line in any shape or form. It's just rude. I however, am a writer. Therefore, I have the privilege of playing with words however I like.

Party Into the AM ?

Have you ever tried planning a party for your roommates birthday? What if your roommate had a twin sister. Have you ever tried planning a party for your twin roommates 20th birthday? Have you ever tried to plan a party for your twin roommates when you don't know any of their friends?

Fail Cake

Someone recently informed me that I suck at picking titles for my posts. 

Do you really think I haven't noticed that already? 

Thanks for pointing out the obvious. Genius. 

Completely Normal

I took a poll and 99% of my imaginary blog readers said they wouldn't mind if I changed directions with my blog. Especially since the previous 90 blog posts have all been depressing and just plain boring. So, now the question remains-where do I go with this blog? Should I just ramble on and on about the seemingly normal adventures of a college student pursuing God's plan for her life? Eh-sounds good enough for me. But, I don't really have anything that exciting right now. I mean to me, everything seems normal.

Cream of Broccoli Soup

My family has the best Cream of Broccoli Soup recipe ever, it's delicious, creamy, smooth, and all around awesomesauce.

If you can make it right.

As you might have guessed, I attempted making it the other day. I had purchased my ingredients a few days earlier and decided that it was time to use them up. The soup tasted okay, not outstanding or anything, but it was lumpy! I couldn't figure out why so I called my Mom. The cooking expert in the family. (Actually that would be one of her sisters, but she's still an excellent cook!) According to her there could be two possible things I did wrong.

1. I didn't cooking the broccoli long enough, meaning the blenders could not break it down enough. 
2. There wasn't enough liquid in the soup to make it thinner and creamier. 

Honestly, it may have been a combination of the two. I probably didn't cook it long enough, but I was a little pressed for time and there probably wasn't enough liquid in there anyways. Oops. So I guess that means I fail at life, and cooking. 

Heh. I would screw it up, it just sounds like something this poor, uneducated, little ole' college student me would do. Fail. 

Carter & Dope?

Even as I write this, it's already old news. But hey, I have to start somewhere! First-a little background knowledge. I work at this little restaurant, it's a small family owned place and the food is delicious! All 3 of my roommates, 1 of my classmates, and my cousin all work there. So it's obviously the place to be.

Anew Direction

a·new/əˈn(y)o͞o/

Adverb:	In a new or different, typically more positive, way. Once more; again.
Synonyms:	again - afresh - newly - once more

Trapped Within

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

It's passing me by, and I'm spiraling down.
Away from all this, into a false reality.

Insanity

You know your roommate is crazy when she starts barking at the computer screen :)

Don't cry

Don't. You. Dare. Cry. 

Reaction

Every time it comes around, I slink off once again
Hiding in the far corners, desperate to escape
Both the noise--and the pain

MIA

Something's missing. Somehow, somewhere along the way I lost it. I blocked it off, that part of my mind. Those memories, they've disappeared. Locked away in some remote part of my brain, somewhere inaccessible  Collecting dust, never to see the light again.

One Word.

Emotionless. 

Patience

One thing my generation is lacking, is patience. We want everything immediately. And if we don't already have it in our hands by the time we think of it, we get frustrated. I'm guilty of it too. I've heard some of the older folk talking about how we got this way. They blame the technology, and if you think about it. They're right. Microwaves give us food in minutes that would normally take 5-10x as long-or longer. Phones allow us instant contact with our loved ones. The Internet gives us the ability to find information almost instantly. Honestly, it's sad. Especially when patience becomes a forgotten virtue.

Desires of My Heart

I thought I had to give up all my dreams to follow your plan God. But I was wrong, you want me to have dreams. That’s what that message was all about. “I have a dream” But that’s my problem right now. I gave up all my dreams and sit here empty handed. So God, here’s my dream. A lifelong dream, something I will hold onto for years to come. Not only do I dream of following after you and helping people into your kingdom. That’s obviously the top dream of mine. But Lord, you want me to have my own dream. My own personal dream. So Lord, here it is. I dream of writing books. Yes Lord that’s it. I dream of writing books and  reaching people….

Confirmation ?

Confirmation, where do I get it? How can I get it? How do I know, for sure, that this is what he's telling me? I think he's saying one thing, but then I don't know for sure if it's just me or not. Like, is this just a physical desire and not something sent from God? How am I to know?

Into the Field

That's what I'm wanting, to go out into the field. Am I ready? Now that's something else entirely. All I know is that I want to go. I've been wanting to do this for years, since I went to Mexico back in 2007. My only problem is that I've never been ready. Now, its not only me saying "I'm not ready" My own mother has said the same thing "You're not ready yet, give it some time." People are worried that I'll get there and then freak out because of the stuff I'm seeing. But that still doesn't keep me from wanting to go. I can't help it, the desire is there. The urge is there. I've begged God to just send me. But...it's not the right time.

Unexplainable Happiness

Something's moving, something's changing. See his glory. Feels like Heaven on Earth. 

Yes I did sing the above over and over again for nearly an hour. As well as sang "Blessed Be Your Name" Man, I don't know what's going on here! I'm so happy, it's just unexplainable! I made my usual video for Alana and she just laughed and told me "Hon, that unexplainable happiness is the holy spirit" Or you know, something along those lines. :) I'm so hyped up I can't even think straight. All I know is that my body is moving along with this song and I'm just....going crazy. 

I've never been like this and DANG! I'm just enjoying it over here! 

I can't stop moving. I can't stop singing. This is just me. And I'm loving it. 

Not Yet

"Not yet" How many times have I heard those words these past few years? Too many. Most people I know are hesitant about jumping into things like this. But me, I'm excited. So excited I can hardly sit still and often miss God's voice telling me to cool down. Slow down. Wait. Be patient. That's the thing, I don't want to wait. I don't want to be patient. I want to go, NOW!

Deciphering Dreams

The other day I had a dream, why I had this dream I don't know. I used to remember more about the dream, but since I never wrote it down it's somehow managed to vanish. All I remember now is that I was running. Running away from this guy that I "loved" I didn't want him to find me and I was trying my best to hide.

What She Doesn't Know

I was going to write out this elaborate post on my Partner in Crime and who she was/is. But then I decided that that was pretty cliche and a little too cheesy for my liking. So instead I'm writing this. A bunch of random words that don't exactly make any sense. But then again, if I were to start writing how we truly act around each other, it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else either. So, which do I pick? Something that makes sense to one person and no one else? Or something that makes sense to no one?

Cleaning out the Junk Drawer

Anyone heard of stumbleupon? Well I have. Obviously. Someone introduced me to it sometime during my junior year of high school and lately, I can't stop stumbling. I bookmark page after page, adding to my already gianormous pile of bookmarks. Then, to make matters worse, I favorite the pages. Meaning they also end up in my stumbleupon favorite pile. Now I have two piles and sometimes one item happens to appear in both. Make any sense?

Oh and my other problem is that some of the pages I tried to save no longer exist, or I no longer find it useful to me. Plus, finding something I do want to find is nearly impossible as I have no organization whatsoever.

Okay that's a lie, I have it. It's just so complex that I don't bother to use it. Cause you know, I'm a lazy applesauce :)

So that's what I'm up to today, and yesterday, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and after that and probably into next week as well. 'Cause that's just how many freaking pages I have to sort through. I thought I was making progress because I deleted two folders of bookmarks. They only had about 10 each. I still have hundreds that aren't even in a freaking folder! AH!

I guess that's what I get for tagging everything I thought might possibly be useful sometime in the future. I have things on hiking, cooking, baking, fashion, travel, interior design, and the list goes on. When on earth am I ever going to get around to all of this?

Now that my friend, is the million dollar question. Oh and care to know what I've been up to instead of doing what I just told you I was doing?


I'm coloring.


Oh yeah, you know you're jealous :)

Scattered Thoughts

Sista and I sat outside tonight talking, just talking. It was nice. Who cares if it's you know 2am, it was still nice. We talked about, well everything. Things about "Dad", to L and J to school to emotions to depression to cutting to suicidal behaviors to deployment to whatever else came to our minds. I don't have any real sisters to talk to about those things, so I'm SO glad that J married someone that I could actually talk to. These past few days with them here has been wonderful. I've missed them like crazy, yet at the same time I'm kind of glad that they're gone/leaving. It's nice to be able to explore the world on my own. I may be completely broke and a poor, jobless college student. But hey, at least I'm giving life a go, right?

There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....

Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?

That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"

That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.

That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?

Emotionless

I did it. I went and saw him, face to face, and told him. Apparently it means a lot to him. Apparently J hasn't even told him that. So why did I do it again? Good question. I'm starting to wonder that myself.

No wait, it's because I had to. It was just something I had to do, something I needed to do before I could move on with my life. I'm still not ready for him to jump back in, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. But hey, at least I went, saw him, and told him face to face. At least I wasn't a freaking coward and did it through a dumb applesauce letter. Like the jerk did so many years ago when he just up and disappeared in the middle of the night.

.....obviously I'm still not pleased with him. Obviously I'm still hurt and upset. But that's something different. It's a start at least. Forgiveness isn't something that happens overnight. But to be honest, over the past few months things have started to ease up a bit. I know it takes time, and that eventually I will be able to think of him and what he did without feeling so...hurt.

Before I went, everyone kept asking me how I was doing, how I was feeling. And now that it's over I'm getting asked again. But to be honest, I'm kind of emotionless about the whole thing. I don't really have any feelings towards, anything. I didn't have any expectations going into it. And it didn't matter anyway, everything was just blah. I don't know why I'm so emotionless about this whole thing. I don't know why I don't have any feelings toward this. Towards him. Towards anything related to this whole experience. I simply don't. None whatsoever.

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if something's wrong with me.

Peace?

Here I am begging you

pleading with every part of my soul

not to leave, not to desert me

Not now, not ever

please oh please, don't you ever

abandon me again

my heart can't bare it

my soul can't take it

not again, please, not again

I'm not quite sure where that came from exactly. I kind of just started writing. I don't know whether that has anything to do with my so called "dad" but....whatever. It's there. I wrote it. Perhaps its just part of me that is terrified to open up again. Afraid that if I do then someone might wander in and tear the place apart. I don't know if I could live through that again. Once I finally figured out what was going on in my life, it seemed like things only got worse. That's when the whole, "cutting" thingy begin. I have pictures for proof you know. So if you ever want to see them, then just click on the label "scars" they should be in there. 

See, things are starting to look up for me. I'm finally in a place where I know I'm meant to be. Where things can't possibly be so bad. Yet, at the same time something just doesn't feel right. I'm hoping that after I deal with the "dad" thing, that things will finally fall back into place and that I'll be at peace once again. 

Honestly, I don't know what "peace" feels like. So if I don't know, then how will I know when it finally hits me? 

100% Me

Why do I do this? Because part of me wants someone to know what's going on inside my head. When the rest of me is screaming DON'T DO IT! It's then calmly assured that no one is ever going to read this. One, because they have to be invited and 2 because no one even remembers that this thing is here. I guess it's just the fact that there is that slight risk, the slight chance that someone might read it that makes me want to keep it up here.

It's odd, how a blog that no one reads can have such an affect on me. This blog has documented some of my hardest times, feelings and emotions that even my journal hasn't seen. It's where I can be completely real with both myself and the world on what's going on. Without the risk that my Mom might pick up my journal and start reading what's really going on with me. Of course that can't happen anyways. She's some 700+ miles away, but you get the idea. It's just some place where I can be completely real with myself. Where I can be completely honest. 100% me. Maybe someday, I'll take pieces of this blog and shove it into a novel. Who knows?

The only thing that I do know is that this blog, no matter how old and run down it's looking, has affected me in a tremendous way. It was and still is my outlet, a way for me to express myself without worry of how those thoughts might affect other people. And even though the posting has been sporadic, this blog has never been removed from the blogsphere.

It's Happening

My brother J and his wife come up in a few days. Tuesday to be exact. Then on Wednesday we're driving over to my Aunt's house where we will meet up with the man who doesn't deserve the honor of being my "father". I'm supposed to tell him that I forgive him. And I do, its just that....I'm not ready for this. For the past 10 years I've gone without any form of contact with the...man. And I'm not exactly ready to start again now. In fact, I don't even want to do this. But I know that I have to, I know that if I don't do this then...well, actually I don't know what will happen. I just know that this is something I have to do. But, that doesn't mean it makes doing it any easier. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the drive there, the conversation, how I'll bring it up. Honestly, if I had my way I would go up to his house, knock on his door and tell him then and there that I forgive him. Then I would walk away, get in a car and drive home. Sadly, this isn't how it's going to go down.

GAH! I'm so not ready for this. I know I need to...well, prepare somehow. But I just don't want to. I'm still hoping that I can just back out of this whole thing and pretend it's never going to happen. But, that's not the truth. The truth is it is happening, and that I need to do this. Although, it's more something I need to do on my own. Not with my brother and his wife, but by myself. However at the same time, I want them there. 

Sigh. I'm just one big walking contradiction. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready for what's going down next Wednesday night....

The Gift

I was given a gift, but what did I do with it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never used it to glorify him, I never thanked the one who had given it to me. Instead I used it to argue with him, to show how far I had fallen away from him. I used it as an escape from reality. A way to run away from all the pain and anger I felt, not just towards him, but towards the world. I never thanked him for it, and always complained about it. Constantly saying how much I failed at it. How I wish I was better, how I wish I had a different gift. But no, you can't change your gift. You can't get rid of it, hide it, trade it in for a better one. Nope, you just have to learn to accept what he gave you. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I know I'm not perfect, I know I make mistakes. But at least I'm trying. You have to give me that.

Thou Shalt Plan No More

Who am I kidding? I have no idea why I am here, other than the fact that this is the place I'm supposed to be in. Now how do I know that? That's just the thing, I don't know. I just "know" that this is right. See, back when I was planning for this next step, the thing I'm doing right now, I compared several different options and was about to pursue them when I realized it was all wrong. Then I found this one, and for the first time in years, I felt at peace about my decision. I knew that this was the right step for me. Plus, I had several dreams after making that decision that further confirmed that Yes, this is the right step. I like it when dreams do that, when they confirm something for you. It's always helpful, and comforting to know that someone up there is agreeing with what you're planning for your life. Although, I bet he always knew I'd come down here. Rather than head on over to those other places. Like you know, Biola-Northwestern-DLA. Although, I still wouldn't mind going to DLA. It's just not the place for me. I was meant to come here, but anything beyond that...well I still haven't gotten that far yet.

I like to plan things, to figure out what I want before it happens. Well lately, God's been trying to get me to stop planning things. To just trust him and to go with the flow. That's hard for me, its a daily challenge to not stop and start planning what I'm going to do after college is over. Dude! I just got here, why am I already planning what I'm going to do once I'm done with school? Now that's just crazy. But, well. You know me. I'm that crazy one that plans things that won't ever happen. But hey, a girl can always dream right? RIGHT?

Tell Me

Tell me that everything's going to be alright. Tell me that you know what you're doing. Tell me that you'll provide. Ease my troubled heart tonight, O'Lord. Let me feel your presence and know that you are GOD and that you will never leave my side.

Journaling

I'm here. I know this is where I belong. But why? Why me? And don't give me that "why not?" crap. I need a legit answer. something more than "because I called you here" "What more do you need?" God, I just don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

 All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to stay strong. No crying here. I can't be vulnerable. My roomie M2 was right, I don't like being vulnerable. I can't open up my heart because I'm afraid to...to get hurt again. I just can't. God. too many people have walked away, abandoned me. Why would this time be any different? what makes this school so dang special? How do I know that these people will be any different? They don't know me, they don't know who I am or where I've been. And what's worse is that, they've been through worse yet here they are passing me by.

 God? who the frick am I? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I feel so unloved and unworthy? I deserve better. I deserve something more. But this, this is all I know. All I've ever known. This inferiority its, it's something I don't know how to deal with. Why I don't feel like God can...I feel this way because I rejected him. I shunned him, hated, despised him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I tried to move on to do it myself. To be my own savior. It's not working it never worked to begin with. So why did I keep at it? Good question. Why am I so selfish all the time. So vain as to think it's all about me. It's clearly not. God, I can't do this anymore. I just can't keep running and hiding. I can't keep this charade up any longer. Look God I'm sorry okay? I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm foolish okay! There I said it. I'm a foolish naive young girl who has no idea what she's doing. Happy now?

 How'd I know you would say no? You won't be happy till I'm back with you. Completely and 100% yours. I sound and act the same. Even when worried, happy, sad, upset, excited, mad, bitter. My moods change minutely or rather the outward appearance does. But my walls are finally cracking and now, I don't know where I want to be, but getting there is my problem. At least my roommates have come to "peace" about things. Yet I can't. Why? It's so simple really. I don't want to let go of my anger. It's all I know. The one thing that's remained constant throughout my life. Even though it was based on inconsistent things. I hate change. I hate the unknown. And that's right where god put me. Smack dab in the middle of the great unknown. Cause then I have to rely on him. Even when I don't want to...sigh.

 I was going to blog. My computer has been commandeered (I'm boring my roomie's computer) by God to teach me a thing or two. I don't like these teaching times. Especially when I know what needs doing. This time it's read my bible and pray. But I'm resisting, I know-BAD Molly, BAD! But it's not.

Dang this isn't good. I'm starting to...no I'm not! I am clean and free of all demonic spirits. I have been set free and this temple is bolted down. NO evil spirit shall ever set up camp in here again. Why am I such an idiot? Why? Why do i refuse to accept what I know to be true? What's been ingrained in me since day one? Oh God, what have I done to myself?

 BREATHE

 Just breathe M. Breathe. I know it's hard but we can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me" What happened to that girl? The one who was so excited and couldn't wait and never wanted to leave? Who could feel his presence? The one who was touched by an angel-who was hugged when they needed it most. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. God how do I trust you? How do I stop this nonsense? I still feel like I did so many years ago. Like somewhere out there-aka across the room-is someone whose problems are worse than mine. They deserve God more. What did she ever do wrong? I slammed the door in his face. I hated him, despised him,. I wanted nothing to do with God-I backed out on him. I deserve none of it. G2 said we didn't deserve any of it. But at least some people deserve God's help more than others. Starving children in Africa. you get the idea.

 BREATHE

 It's going to be okay....... .......it has to be.....

Not. Backing. Down

Clearly, I'm making the right decision here. Coming to College. Why else would the devil try so hard these past few weeks to hold me back. Heck, he's even trying right now. But what he doesn't know, is that I'm not backing down. I don't care what he throws my way. I will NOT give up on this. I will pursue God's calling on my life no matter what the devil throws my way. I refuse to back down.

Losing My Mind

I think I'm going crazy. Yesterday I thought it was Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday, and then Friday. And then last night, for a brief moment, I thought it was December. But it's not.

What is happening here! Why is my mind so dang screwed up? I would say I blame the fact that my brain is so overwhelmed right now, but oh wait. I'm not allowed to blame it on other things. (Even though this time it's probably true.)

My mind is so crowded, overworked, overwhelmed. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't think through my thoughts long enough to even write them down. I know there are things I'm worried about. I know there are things I should be doing. I know there are things I want to be doing. But what those things are...

That I cannot tell you. Not because I don't want to, but  because I honestly don't know what they are. Which is why this post is...is...so, random I guess? I just don't know anymore. Like I don't know why I just put a question mark at the end of that sentence or why I'm even still here typing away.

Honestly, I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm stressed. Actually, I know I'm stressed. I'm starting to freak out and I just don't know what to do with myself. But you already know that part.

Maybe I should step away from the computer, go clear my head. Somehow, somewhere. Where? I'm not quite sure just yet. Maybe if I actually take the time to lift my fingers from this keyboard which somehow seems to draw me towards it, like a magnet really, then perhaps I'll find the answer outside of this pathetically tiny room with no air floor and stuffy-sweaty-boy smell that lingers annoyingly in the corner. Okay that last part made absolutely no sense so I think I should just stop now before everything thinks I've lost my marbles.

Even though I already have.

I am Blessed

Since no one really reads this, it probably doesn't matter. But earlier today I was attempting to find a new template for this blog. I tried several before realizing that the one I have now works just fine. Even though it looks like a barren waste land. I will just have to deal with it for a bit longer. At least until I can figure out what the heck I am doing.

But here's one thing, one good thing at least. I found out a few minutes ago that my financial burden has been somewhat lifted. Not only will I be receiving 110 back from my apartment deposit, but I have also received a 4th roommate. Saving me about $50 each month. I guess someone up there thinks I am deserving.

Thank you God!

Believe It

I know that God will provide, or at least I thought I knew. Lately, I find myself repeating it and repeating it and even writing it on my arm, putting it as my phone banner, etc. It's literally everywhere. But at the same time, I just don't believe it. I find it hard to believe that God can...well not that he "can" provide. I know he's capable but I find myself, well. Feeling unworthy of being provided for. If that even makes sense.

Yesterday as I was driving home I thought about everything I had witnessed in the past few months. People I know have been giving God their finances and suddenly everything's falling into place. They have the money, they aren't worried and they can afford to go to school. Me, I'm the one who's sitting in her room with a calculator nervously analyzing every little detail hoping that I can actually afford this whole school thing. I haven't actually given it up to God. I've said it, but then I go right back and start planning again and analyzing. It doesn't work like that. If I "give" something to God then I have to stop worrying and just trust that he'll make it all work. 

That's where I've failed. 

So as I was driving I had a conversation with God. And came to the realization that I simply don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy enough to deserve support or provision. All my life I've wandered around feeling unworthy of, well just about anything. I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be loved, provided for, cared about, worried about. Really I just don't feel good enough for anything. And I know that's now how it's supposed to be. I know that it's "not true" but I can't get that idea out of my head. 

I'm trying to believe it. I'm trying to believe that I am in fact good enough to be supported and provided for. That I do deserve to be loved and cared about. So to make myself believe it, I'm going on a fast. A 21 day fast. Why the 21 day fast, because it's really the only fast I know. I guess I could do just about anything, but I think I'll stick with what I know. At least for now. So 21 days it is. Basically what this fast is, is you go 1 week with just liquids. Preferably no soda, sports drinks, etc. Then its 2 weeks of just fruit and vegetables. Oh and liquids. You can still drink. Cause you know, that's kind of important. 

But what I'm supposed to do is when I would be eating a meal, I'm supposed to sit there and meditate on the word or pray to God. Every time I've tried this fast, I've failed. I blame the fact that... never mind. I can't make excuses. The real reason I fail is because I'm simply a wimp. I give up way too quickly. But this time, this time I want it to be different. I don't care if I'm moving in 12 days. The other 9 days of the fast can take place at school. That's not a big deal. Anyways, I've never actually done the whole pray and meditate on God's word aspect of this fast so I think I'm going to try that this time around. See how it goes. 

Right now, my only prayer is that I make it through the day. 

Oh God, Why?

I don't know how to title this post. I don't know how to start this post. In fact, I hardly know why I'm writing this post. Really, I don't know much. It's shocking, how clueless I actually am. People think I'm so smart, and wonder why I get put in detention. (Actually it's just because I'm notoriously late every.single.day)

Perhaps the reason I'm not sure where to begin, its because this isn't just a simple fact. It's not like my "fat" posts. I can't just throw out the facts and hope that no one bothers to read them because they're embarrassing. This is one of those emotional posts. Something that comes from the soul, something I've tried to escape for several years. Almost ten actually. This is something I tried to forget about, something I tried to remove from my life and hoped I would never ever ever have to revisit.

This is something I simple have to do.

No it's not write this post. It's talk to my dad. Face to face. Person to person. It's something I have to do. At first I thought I could simply send him a letter, maybe an email and tell him how I felt. Then I realized how dumb and cowardly that was and that if I did it that way, then I would be just as pathetic as him. Plan B was to call him up on the phone and tell him. It sounded good at the time, until that idea got shot down by the one and only (AMAZING) Father I have in heaven :) It wasn't until then that I actually took the time to listen to why he was calling me to do this. To forgive the man who I've considered "dead" for so long. The man who stole my childhood, and abandoned me at an early age. The man who no longer, well actually he never did, deserves the title "Father" or "Dad".

Let me back up for a moment. A few weeks ago as I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. I asked God to search my soul and show me whatever he found fault with. I'm not really sure how on earth to phrase that, I know it sounds a little...well, you know. Strange. But that's basically what I did. At the time I figured he'd start out small. I knew/know I have a lot of things wrong with me. Several grudges, bad little habits, that type of thing. I thought he'd pull up something like my Mom, or my Brother and have me deal with that little "Mountain" first. I never thought he'd go all the way in, past all my barricades, locked doors, steel walls...you get the idea...and bring up the one thing I had tried to hide, to bury away since the day it happened.

(I would say "you guessed it..." but I kind of already told you where this was going.) Yeah, my Dad. It's like God went to the deepest, darkest place in my soul and dragged this out. I figured this would be the final step, the last thing I'd do. Apparently not. I mean, it does make sense. Here I am wanting to be a missionary, one of the things they do is they go around and tell people "you need to forgive so and so for doing blah". And how can I tell them to do that, if I can't even forgive a man whose only crime was walking out the door? Compared to others, what he did was hardly anything. So how can I tell them to forgive the person who killed their husband, son, daughter. Who raped them or their child. Who sold them as a sex slave. Who burned their village. How can I tell them they need to forgive, if I can't forgive a man who simply wasn't around? I'd be hypocritical. It just wouldn't be right.

So that brings me to where I am now. And to be honest, I still don't want to do this. After God told me I needed to, or rather that I had to...for my own good. I argued with him. I begged him, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I had this grand idea that someday my "Dad" would come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. But instead God was telling me that I had to go to him and tell him face to face that I forgave him.

Sigh.

I have to see him. There's no escaping it, I have to go. I just hope I can maintain my composure.

Clumsy 'Ole Me

Ouch.

I stabbed myself...with a fork. Honestly it's quite embarrassing. But it's the truth. I wouldn't try to lie to you...or would I? ;) Basically all the blame can be traced back to the fact that I suck at cooking. I honestly do. The campers pretend to enjoy my desserts, but I've seen the slop bucket. I know where 3/4 of it ends up. And it is not pretty. (Oh the slop bucket, a camp favorite among the lovely little children :) Rotting orange peels, watermelon rinds, outdated cottage cheese, leftover macaroni, soggy french toast. It has quite the "aroma") Due to my lack of cooking skills, I over cooked a tray of brownies. The tiny square hockey pucks also managed to stick their obnoxious little bodies to my lovely tray-removal was near impossible.

Thinking I was "all that" I grabbed a fork and headed over to the tray no one else wanted to touch. Placing my fork a fair distance from the brownie, I prepared to jam it underneath and remove the offending brownie.

Needless to say, I missed. And hit the base of my thumb, right in the crease. Right near all those veins. The protrusion was actually quite impressive and I couldn't get the blood to stop squirting out. Thankfully "Super Nurse Murfs" was there to save the day. He bandaged my hand and left it look quite worse than it actually was. And, it is quite obvious. Its no fun having to tell people that I stabbed myself with a fork. I look like a fool for it.

But that's just the lot I've got to live with. Fun :P

Jumbled Thoughts

I don't even know what's going on anymore, I can hardly contain my excitement! In fact a few days ago my brain nearly blew up as I tried to explain the complicated mass of thoughts swarming my already too full brain! You should have seen the size of that email! It was so freaking large that I had to send it in 3 parts! Although, come to think of it, that was more for her benefit than mine. I didn't want my friend freaking out and not being able to read the entire thing in one sitting so I sent three in case she wanted to split it up a little. But guess what else I figured out in the process! When you do things like that, the person almost always reads the next piece because they are interested and think to themselves "just one more, it won't be long" but really its the same time length as it would have been if it was one large email! Maybe even longer! HA! I'm a genius.

Wait.

Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!

I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)

Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...

Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!

See what I mean?

Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.

You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!

WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.

Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?

Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.

THEY ALREADY DO!

So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?

Ineffable! (#3)

It's been so long I almost don't remember where I left off. Okay screw that, I know. I just have to think about it a little bit.

So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.

Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....

myself.

I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.

Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.

I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)