Believe It

I know that God will provide, or at least I thought I knew. Lately, I find myself repeating it and repeating it and even writing it on my arm, putting it as my phone banner, etc. It's literally everywhere. But at the same time, I just don't believe it. I find it hard to believe that God can...well not that he "can" provide. I know he's capable but I find myself, well. Feeling unworthy of being provided for. If that even makes sense.

Yesterday as I was driving home I thought about everything I had witnessed in the past few months. People I know have been giving God their finances and suddenly everything's falling into place. They have the money, they aren't worried and they can afford to go to school. Me, I'm the one who's sitting in her room with a calculator nervously analyzing every little detail hoping that I can actually afford this whole school thing. I haven't actually given it up to God. I've said it, but then I go right back and start planning again and analyzing. It doesn't work like that. If I "give" something to God then I have to stop worrying and just trust that he'll make it all work. 

That's where I've failed. 

So as I was driving I had a conversation with God. And came to the realization that I simply don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy enough to deserve support or provision. All my life I've wandered around feeling unworthy of, well just about anything. I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be loved, provided for, cared about, worried about. Really I just don't feel good enough for anything. And I know that's now how it's supposed to be. I know that it's "not true" but I can't get that idea out of my head. 

I'm trying to believe it. I'm trying to believe that I am in fact good enough to be supported and provided for. That I do deserve to be loved and cared about. So to make myself believe it, I'm going on a fast. A 21 day fast. Why the 21 day fast, because it's really the only fast I know. I guess I could do just about anything, but I think I'll stick with what I know. At least for now. So 21 days it is. Basically what this fast is, is you go 1 week with just liquids. Preferably no soda, sports drinks, etc. Then its 2 weeks of just fruit and vegetables. Oh and liquids. You can still drink. Cause you know, that's kind of important. 

But what I'm supposed to do is when I would be eating a meal, I'm supposed to sit there and meditate on the word or pray to God. Every time I've tried this fast, I've failed. I blame the fact that... never mind. I can't make excuses. The real reason I fail is because I'm simply a wimp. I give up way too quickly. But this time, this time I want it to be different. I don't care if I'm moving in 12 days. The other 9 days of the fast can take place at school. That's not a big deal. Anyways, I've never actually done the whole pray and meditate on God's word aspect of this fast so I think I'm going to try that this time around. See how it goes. 

Right now, my only prayer is that I make it through the day.