Don't cry

Don't. You. Dare. Cry. 

Unexplainable Happiness

Something's moving, something's changing. See his glory. Feels like Heaven on Earth. 

Yes I did sing the above over and over again for nearly an hour. As well as sang "Blessed Be Your Name" Man, I don't know what's going on here! I'm so happy, it's just unexplainable! I made my usual video for Alana and she just laughed and told me "Hon, that unexplainable happiness is the holy spirit" Or you know, something along those lines. :) I'm so hyped up I can't even think straight. All I know is that my body is moving along with this song and I'm just....going crazy. 

I've never been like this and DANG! I'm just enjoying it over here! 

I can't stop moving. I can't stop singing. This is just me. And I'm loving it. 

What She Doesn't Know

I was going to write out this elaborate post on my Partner in Crime and who she was/is. But then I decided that that was pretty cliche and a little too cheesy for my liking. So instead I'm writing this. A bunch of random words that don't exactly make any sense. But then again, if I were to start writing how we truly act around each other, it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else either. So, which do I pick? Something that makes sense to one person and no one else? Or something that makes sense to no one?

Alone...as always

Once again I found myself alone tonight, just like always. I was told I wouldn't be alone, that I wouldn't have to worry about it. What a lie that turned out to be. We all know the truth. We all know how it ALWAYS ends up...it always ends up with someone not following through with their promise and someone else all alone and hating every minute of it. Oh sure tonight wasn't THAT bad. But still...it was bad enough that it made me think about thinks. Thinks I'd rather not even go into right now, things like "will I always be like this?" GOSH MOLS IT WAS A STUPID LITTLE THING! THEY WERE JUST LATE IN ARRIVING! GET OVER IT! But...they still left me alone. And then even those who could have helped out, choose not to. So really I guess I'm mad about those that left me alone on purpose. The other person, well they didn't have a choice really but still...those other people. They left me, they chose to leave poor little ole me all alone. So many others have, so what will stop future people from making the same decision? I know I said that this anger probably comes from these annoying and stupid people tonight, but there are other things that are bringing this idea to my mind tonight. One in particular. I feel as if one of my best friends is...avoiding me. Ditching me. As if she's like, gotten tired of listening to me rant about my annoying life when her's is probably worse. (I don't actually know as we haven't really talked much lately...which is why I feel this way too) I feel as if she's just sik of being my friend, so many others have in the past that it makes me wonder if she'll stay legit. If she'll still be here come tomorrow. **Sigh** This is what I think about. This is what I dwell on day after day. But you know what? Most of it probably is true. When I do talk to Alana* I feel as if she tries to end the conversation as soon as possible because she can't stand talking to me. When for all I know, she may really be tired, she may really have to help her family, she may really need to go do something. Yet I sit here and continue to come up with stupid reasons/proof as to why she's trying to get rid of me. **Sigh** I need to get back to reality. I know that, but...I don't know how. All I see is this. This pathetic thing I call my life. It's my fault really. I would have had a life if I'd accept people's offers to do things. But know, I turn it down with the lame excuse..."I'm busy". In fact I lie to people about what's going on in my life all the time. I tell them several things "yeah I'm fine" "I don't care" "nothing happened" "I'm busy" "I have to do......blah" Most of the times I use lame excuses to get out of things I'm too shy to admit I want to even try. I should just shut up. No one reads this. Trust me I know. I looked it up. The only page views I get are from myself....how sad is that? Pretty sad I must admit. Now, I think I'll go. I'll just leave you with one quick pathetic attempt a poem.

Darkness creeps in around me

Silence fills the air

An empty soul

Is hiding here

Away from light

Away from view

Locked up

In this cold dark cell



Can you hear them?

The voices of the lost

Crying out to be heard

Can you hear those above

Those in the light

Desperately calling your name

Can you hear it?



So far from light

Have you fallen

Deep into the shadows

In endless pits

And into the dark

You shall remain

For your soul has already

Given up hope

Blocked the entrance to the heart

And crawled to the corner

Afraid to face the world

Afraid to see what you could become



Can you see?

The light high above

Or have you blocked your eyes as well

Are you scared to be saved?

Scared to live again

To feel

To trust others not to hurt you again

To love…once again?

My own DEMISE.

"Thats why I pushed for it." -Lana

God, for the very same reason I shoved an idea away. "Lana" pushed for it. Really? God, what do I do now? I know she's probably right but being my stubborn self I will never admit it to her face. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I had admitting anything actually. All I do is dance around the problem, hoping that eventually it will fade. But that's just it. It DOESN'T. So then I'm left here staring at myself, wondering how in the world I even got here to begin with. I'm left with a choice, a choice I'd rather hand off to someone else--but at the same time I don't want anyone else to make that same choice 'cause I know they'll pick the one I'm convincing myself I don't want.

Why is she so different? Why do I care what she thinks of me? Why do I care so much? I feel all exposed. But why? I didn't feel this way before. Maybe that's cause the other two are family..or like family. But her, i just don't know. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose her as a friend. Maybe I'm afraid she'll judge me and then ditch. So many others have done in the past. What would make her any different? That's it. It has to be it. My stupid, pathetic, childish fear of mine has come back to haunt me once again. Like always.

That word, it just looms ahead of me, predicting my pending future. ABANDONED! It just sits there, patiently awaiting the day I draw closer. It smiles and shows me how everyone will leave me. How some day I'll be all alone again. How in my attempt to forget the past, in my attempt to forget the abandonment I'll bring it all right back. I'll be my own demise. It knows this, and taunts me with it day and night. Looming, forever looming on the horizon of my future. I can't escape it. Sooner or later I will have to face it. But that's just it. I'd rather die than face it. Is there anyway around it? The answer...no. Confrontation. Oh god how I despise it. Every shape and form of it brings pain and fear. "there is one way..." a voice whispers to me. "harden your heart, never love again, never let anyone in...then you'll never know abandonment" That is an option, sadly it is. But wait, wouldn't that be doing exactly that. Abandoning myself from others to the point where I feel abandoned? Didn't I just establish the fact that I'd be my own demise? God, what has become of me?

Failed. Twice.

I failed...again. Once again I gave in, once again I grasped that pencil and dug into the soft flesh on my hands. But this time it was worse. This time it was so much worse. This time...it was two. Two terribly visible pink lines with red skin around them reside on my already scarred hand. Really Molly? Really? More? God what were you thinking?

That's the problem. Who knows what I was thinking. I sure don't. Okay. That's a lie I know exactly what I was thinking, but I'm terrified to put it into words. I'm terrified to put it on here for fear that both of "them" see it. One, Lana, would simply lecture me and tell me to call her next time. That was kind of IMPOSSIBLE this last time as she wasn't even around. The other, well she would be saddened if she knew the truth.

Well since I'm already exposed I might as well go ahead with it. Below are the text messages I sent my email shortly afterward.
--2 other people were in the room. And did not notice. You are just invisible. Or are they too polite to interrupt you?
-- Forgot that it burns shortly afterward...it just like stings
--God molly. Another? Really? What is your excuse this time? Oh wait you do not have one do you? Did not think so! God you have problems!!! (after the 2nd one)
-- You ruin everything. You always do. It was ok until you came around. God molly get a life and stop destroying others happiness
-- God i have problems. Really molly? More scars? How will you explain this one? You do not even have a legit reason this time. FAILURE (right after 1st)
--Timeline of Scars: Scratched---no DUG into my hand with a mechanical pencil leaving behind 5-7 small scars......Correction--I've added another one...(31-3-10) 3 more attempts, one real one (9-4-10), two real ones (12-4-10), one accidental (15-4-10) roughly 20 itty bity things that were only skin peeling, no real damage done (15-5-10) 3 more attempts, one smaller one that actually lasted (6-6-10) Another (19.6.10) Another Deeper (15.7.10) I lied, its 2 not 1 (15.7.10)


Why did I do this? Well, let's see. I felt worthless. Invisible. Alone. Depressed. I felt like Running Away. I felt like a waste of life....need I say more?

Keep it to yourself

What am I doing? What the frick am I doing? How can I sit here every single stupid day and pretend that everything's going to be okay? How can I pretend that I've got all the time in the world to decide what to do? How can I? Especially since its not true, I've got hardly anytime to decide and its beginning to get to me. I can honestly say, I know what stress is. I know what it feels like to wonder where your life is going. To truly be lost, confused, alone. I know what that's like. And I know how terribly hard it is to overcome it. To pull yourself from the hole you've attempted to bury yourself in. I know what its like to pull yourself up, grasping at the slippery walls. The excitement you feel as you begin to rise, only to slip and fall back, breaking through the floor and falling even farther than you did before. I don't just talk about it, I know. But how many other people can say that? How many of them know what its like to truly be hopeless. To feel like nothing you do can ever save you, like you are a lost case? How many people know that feeling? Definitely not as many that offer advice for it. Too many people offer advice, sympathy when they have no idea what its like, how hard it is, how mentally exhausting it is. Yet they continued to pretend they do. They are a bigger fake than me. They are bigger liars than me, they don't know. They haven't the slightest idea. Granted I've never been locked up in a prison, threatened, tortured, alone in the wilderness, persecuted, I've never had any of those. But I'm also not implying that I have. I don't offer advice to people who have, cause I don't know what its like. How do I know that what I say will help in anyway? That's exactly it. I don't know.

If only other people would realize this. People like me, we don't want help nor advice from others who have no idea what they are talking about. We don't want their sympathy. We just want someone to listen, but just cause we talk to you doesn't mean we want all your stupid judgment, advice, and other crap. Only reason we talk to you is so you can listen. It's that simple. When you start shoving other crap on us, about how to do things (that you have no knowledge of) that's when you push us away. That's when we tune out your talk, when we ignore you, when we turn off. Most people don't know this, its typically only those that have gone through these "trials". But sometimes, even those people don't know when to shut up. When to just listen. Sometimes, they can't tell when a person's turned off. Instead they keep pushing, with good intentions I'm sure, hoping to break through. But really...when they keep pushing, it pushes us farther away. It builds up more walls, more barriers that they'll have to tear down another day. We'll come around eventually, if its something worth coming around to.