Something's missing. Somehow, somewhere along the way I lost it. I blocked it off, that part of my mind. Those memories, they've disappeared. Locked away in some remote part of my brain, somewhere inaccessible Collecting dust, never to see the light again.
Showing posts with label Past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Past. Show all posts
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Scattered Thoughts
Sista and I sat outside tonight talking, just talking. It was nice. Who cares if it's you know 2am, it was still nice. We talked about, well everything. Things about "Dad", to L and J to school to emotions to depression to cutting to suicidal behaviors to deployment to whatever else came to our minds. I don't have any real sisters to talk to about those things, so I'm SO glad that J married someone that I could actually talk to. These past few days with them here has been wonderful. I've missed them like crazy, yet at the same time I'm kind of glad that they're gone/leaving. It's nice to be able to explore the world on my own. I may be completely broke and a poor, jobless college student. But hey, at least I'm giving life a go, right?
There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....
Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?
That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"
That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.
That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?
There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....
Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?
That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"
That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.
That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Emotionless
I did it. I went and saw him, face to face, and told him. Apparently it means a lot to him. Apparently J hasn't even told him that. So why did I do it again? Good question. I'm starting to wonder that myself.
No wait, it's because I had to. It was just something I had to do, something I needed to do before I could move on with my life. I'm still not ready for him to jump back in, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. But hey, at least I went, saw him, and told him face to face. At least I wasn't a freaking coward and did it through a dumb applesauce letter. Like the jerk did so many years ago when he just up and disappeared in the middle of the night.
.....obviously I'm still not pleased with him. Obviously I'm still hurt and upset. But that's something different. It's a start at least. Forgiveness isn't something that happens overnight. But to be honest, over the past few months things have started to ease up a bit. I know it takes time, and that eventually I will be able to think of him and what he did without feeling so...hurt.
Before I went, everyone kept asking me how I was doing, how I was feeling. And now that it's over I'm getting asked again. But to be honest, I'm kind of emotionless about the whole thing. I don't really have any feelings towards, anything. I didn't have any expectations going into it. And it didn't matter anyway, everything was just blah. I don't know why I'm so emotionless about this whole thing. I don't know why I don't have any feelings toward this. Towards him. Towards anything related to this whole experience. I simply don't. None whatsoever.
Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if something's wrong with me.
No wait, it's because I had to. It was just something I had to do, something I needed to do before I could move on with my life. I'm still not ready for him to jump back in, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. But hey, at least I went, saw him, and told him face to face. At least I wasn't a freaking coward and did it through a dumb applesauce letter. Like the jerk did so many years ago when he just up and disappeared in the middle of the night.
.....obviously I'm still not pleased with him. Obviously I'm still hurt and upset. But that's something different. It's a start at least. Forgiveness isn't something that happens overnight. But to be honest, over the past few months things have started to ease up a bit. I know it takes time, and that eventually I will be able to think of him and what he did without feeling so...hurt.
Before I went, everyone kept asking me how I was doing, how I was feeling. And now that it's over I'm getting asked again. But to be honest, I'm kind of emotionless about the whole thing. I don't really have any feelings towards, anything. I didn't have any expectations going into it. And it didn't matter anyway, everything was just blah. I don't know why I'm so emotionless about this whole thing. I don't know why I don't have any feelings toward this. Towards him. Towards anything related to this whole experience. I simply don't. None whatsoever.
Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if something's wrong with me.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
100% Me
Why do I do this? Because part of me wants someone to know what's going on inside my head. When the rest of me is screaming DON'T DO IT! It's then calmly assured that no one is ever going to read this. One, because they have to be invited and 2 because no one even remembers that this thing is here. I guess it's just the fact that there is that slight risk, the slight chance that someone might read it that makes me want to keep it up here.
It's odd, how a blog that no one reads can have such an affect on me. This blog has documented some of my hardest times, feelings and emotions that even my journal hasn't seen. It's where I can be completely real with both myself and the world on what's going on. Without the risk that my Mom might pick up my journal and start reading what's really going on with me. Of course that can't happen anyways. She's some 700+ miles away, but you get the idea. It's just some place where I can be completely real with myself. Where I can be completely honest. 100% me. Maybe someday, I'll take pieces of this blog and shove it into a novel. Who knows?
The only thing that I do know is that this blog, no matter how old and run down it's looking, has affected me in a tremendous way. It was and still is my outlet, a way for me to express myself without worry of how those thoughts might affect other people. And even though the posting has been sporadic, this blog has never been removed from the blogsphere.
It's odd, how a blog that no one reads can have such an affect on me. This blog has documented some of my hardest times, feelings and emotions that even my journal hasn't seen. It's where I can be completely real with both myself and the world on what's going on. Without the risk that my Mom might pick up my journal and start reading what's really going on with me. Of course that can't happen anyways. She's some 700+ miles away, but you get the idea. It's just some place where I can be completely real with myself. Where I can be completely honest. 100% me. Maybe someday, I'll take pieces of this blog and shove it into a novel. Who knows?
The only thing that I do know is that this blog, no matter how old and run down it's looking, has affected me in a tremendous way. It was and still is my outlet, a way for me to express myself without worry of how those thoughts might affect other people. And even though the posting has been sporadic, this blog has never been removed from the blogsphere.
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's Happening
My brother J and his wife come up in a few days. Tuesday to be exact. Then on Wednesday we're driving over to my Aunt's house where we will meet up with the man who doesn't deserve the honor of being my "father". I'm supposed to tell him that I forgive him. And I do, its just that....I'm not ready for this. For the past 10 years I've gone without any form of contact with the...man. And I'm not exactly ready to start again now. In fact, I don't even want to do this. But I know that I have to, I know that if I don't do this then...well, actually I don't know what will happen. I just know that this is something I have to do. But, that doesn't mean it makes doing it any easier. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the drive there, the conversation, how I'll bring it up. Honestly, if I had my way I would go up to his house, knock on his door and tell him then and there that I forgive him. Then I would walk away, get in a car and drive home. Sadly, this isn't how it's going to go down.
GAH! I'm so not ready for this. I know I need to...well, prepare somehow. But I just don't want to. I'm still hoping that I can just back out of this whole thing and pretend it's never going to happen. But, that's not the truth. The truth is it is happening, and that I need to do this. Although, it's more something I need to do on my own. Not with my brother and his wife, but by myself. However at the same time, I want them there.
Sigh. I'm just one big walking contradiction. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready for what's going down next Wednesday night....
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Ineffable! (#2)
The scars kind of took me off track a little in the last post. So I might as well finish the thought.
After escaping that bout with depression and another "low" point, I was trying to picture myself in the future. What type of job? Where would I be? So I sat on my bed staring at the wall to eliminate distractions and closed my eyes. The room was silent, I was alone. A perfect place to meet with God. I thought about it, asked God to show me, to enlighten me and he did. I always did have problems envisioning myself in a cubicle, office, classroom, store, at home. I just couldn't get the image I was longing for. So when God did give me a vision, it didn't take me by surprise that I wasn't in any of those places. No, you didn't read that wrong. It's true. I wasn't in any office, classroom, cubicle, store, etc. No. I was in some rural village (Africa maybe?), a small shack behind me (or a hut), the ground was dusty and pure dirt not a single blade of grass lay beneath my feet. Children clustered about me, anxiously awaiting their turns for I wasn't simply standing there. I was spinning in circles, twirling young children around as we both smiled and laughed. My hair was flying around loosely behind me and I seemed not to care. I wore a long skirt which should have bothered me in the hot sun, but it didn't. I didn't care. I was HAPPY. Key word there, HAPPY!
After that it didn't take me long to figure out my calling in life. A mere second to be exact.
Missions.
I had always loved the idea of being a missionary. The stories thrilled me, the adventure excited me. It seemed like the ultimate, extreme, adventure for Christ. Even as a young girl the idea was always exciting. But the one time I asked my Mom what she would think if I became one, her grin disappeared and she looked at me solemnly. "That's a hard life. It's not easy. You'd be far, FAR, from home." I told her I knew it'd be hard but she merely repeated her words. "It's not easy. You'd be far, far from home." So I ditched the idea as my own were much more appealing. My teenage thoughts of running off to Alaska sounded much better than traveling thousands of miles, living far from family, living on little to nothing, facing danger every day. Nah, Alaska was much better. Heck even Colorado or Australia would be better. Or so I though.
Even though I had just had an encounter with God about my calling, I still wasn't sure. I still had too much to deal with in my own life. Things I wasn't ready to deal with and didn't' ever want to deal with. I often wrote that my pain, my anger, my hatred, defined me as a person. That without it I wouldn't be me anymore. I was wrong. It was because I had those that I wasn't who God had made me to be. They were preventing me from being me. They had polluted the real me and changed me into something totally different. It took me a long time to realize it. But wait, that's not for now. That comes a little later. I've got to continue where I left off.
That encounter got me thinking, got change starting. When my Mom talked about all the new exciting things she was learning, I listened. I listened and absorbed it all. I didn't like it. I hated it. But I listened anyway. I still resented her, still disliked her, still felt anger towards her and several others. But slowly, ever so slowly, God was breaking down the walls around my heart. Things were in motion that I could never undo. I just didn't realize it at the time.
Till next time
After escaping that bout with depression and another "low" point, I was trying to picture myself in the future. What type of job? Where would I be? So I sat on my bed staring at the wall to eliminate distractions and closed my eyes. The room was silent, I was alone. A perfect place to meet with God. I thought about it, asked God to show me, to enlighten me and he did. I always did have problems envisioning myself in a cubicle, office, classroom, store, at home. I just couldn't get the image I was longing for. So when God did give me a vision, it didn't take me by surprise that I wasn't in any of those places. No, you didn't read that wrong. It's true. I wasn't in any office, classroom, cubicle, store, etc. No. I was in some rural village (Africa maybe?), a small shack behind me (or a hut), the ground was dusty and pure dirt not a single blade of grass lay beneath my feet. Children clustered about me, anxiously awaiting their turns for I wasn't simply standing there. I was spinning in circles, twirling young children around as we both smiled and laughed. My hair was flying around loosely behind me and I seemed not to care. I wore a long skirt which should have bothered me in the hot sun, but it didn't. I didn't care. I was HAPPY. Key word there, HAPPY!
After that it didn't take me long to figure out my calling in life. A mere second to be exact.
Missions.
I had always loved the idea of being a missionary. The stories thrilled me, the adventure excited me. It seemed like the ultimate, extreme, adventure for Christ. Even as a young girl the idea was always exciting. But the one time I asked my Mom what she would think if I became one, her grin disappeared and she looked at me solemnly. "That's a hard life. It's not easy. You'd be far, FAR, from home." I told her I knew it'd be hard but she merely repeated her words. "It's not easy. You'd be far, far from home." So I ditched the idea as my own were much more appealing. My teenage thoughts of running off to Alaska sounded much better than traveling thousands of miles, living far from family, living on little to nothing, facing danger every day. Nah, Alaska was much better. Heck even Colorado or Australia would be better. Or so I though.
Even though I had just had an encounter with God about my calling, I still wasn't sure. I still had too much to deal with in my own life. Things I wasn't ready to deal with and didn't' ever want to deal with. I often wrote that my pain, my anger, my hatred, defined me as a person. That without it I wouldn't be me anymore. I was wrong. It was because I had those that I wasn't who God had made me to be. They were preventing me from being me. They had polluted the real me and changed me into something totally different. It took me a long time to realize it. But wait, that's not for now. That comes a little later. I've got to continue where I left off.
That encounter got me thinking, got change starting. When my Mom talked about all the new exciting things she was learning, I listened. I listened and absorbed it all. I didn't like it. I hated it. But I listened anyway. I still resented her, still disliked her, still felt anger towards her and several others. But slowly, ever so slowly, God was breaking down the walls around my heart. Things were in motion that I could never undo. I just didn't realize it at the time.
Till next time
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
My own DEMISE.
"Thats why I pushed for it." -Lana
God, for the very same reason I shoved an idea away. "Lana" pushed for it. Really? God, what do I do now? I know she's probably right but being my stubborn self I will never admit it to her face. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I had admitting anything actually. All I do is dance around the problem, hoping that eventually it will fade. But that's just it. It DOESN'T. So then I'm left here staring at myself, wondering how in the world I even got here to begin with. I'm left with a choice, a choice I'd rather hand off to someone else--but at the same time I don't want anyone else to make that same choice 'cause I know they'll pick the one I'm convincing myself I don't want.
Why is she so different? Why do I care what she thinks of me? Why do I care so much? I feel all exposed. But why? I didn't feel this way before. Maybe that's cause the other two are family..or like family. But her, i just don't know. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose her as a friend. Maybe I'm afraid she'll judge me and then ditch. So many others have done in the past. What would make her any different? That's it. It has to be it. My stupid, pathetic, childish fear of mine has come back to haunt me once again. Like always.
That word, it just looms ahead of me, predicting my pending future. ABANDONED! It just sits there, patiently awaiting the day I draw closer. It smiles and shows me how everyone will leave me. How some day I'll be all alone again. How in my attempt to forget the past, in my attempt to forget the abandonment I'll bring it all right back. I'll be my own demise. It knows this, and taunts me with it day and night. Looming, forever looming on the horizon of my future. I can't escape it. Sooner or later I will have to face it. But that's just it. I'd rather die than face it. Is there anyway around it? The answer...no. Confrontation. Oh god how I despise it. Every shape and form of it brings pain and fear. "there is one way..." a voice whispers to me. "harden your heart, never love again, never let anyone in...then you'll never know abandonment" That is an option, sadly it is. But wait, wouldn't that be doing exactly that. Abandoning myself from others to the point where I feel abandoned? Didn't I just establish the fact that I'd be my own demise? God, what has become of me?
God, for the very same reason I shoved an idea away. "Lana" pushed for it. Really? God, what do I do now? I know she's probably right but being my stubborn self I will never admit it to her face. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I had admitting anything actually. All I do is dance around the problem, hoping that eventually it will fade. But that's just it. It DOESN'T. So then I'm left here staring at myself, wondering how in the world I even got here to begin with. I'm left with a choice, a choice I'd rather hand off to someone else--but at the same time I don't want anyone else to make that same choice 'cause I know they'll pick the one I'm convincing myself I don't want.
Why is she so different? Why do I care what she thinks of me? Why do I care so much? I feel all exposed. But why? I didn't feel this way before. Maybe that's cause the other two are family..or like family. But her, i just don't know. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose her as a friend. Maybe I'm afraid she'll judge me and then ditch. So many others have done in the past. What would make her any different? That's it. It has to be it. My stupid, pathetic, childish fear of mine has come back to haunt me once again. Like always.
That word, it just looms ahead of me, predicting my pending future. ABANDONED! It just sits there, patiently awaiting the day I draw closer. It smiles and shows me how everyone will leave me. How some day I'll be all alone again. How in my attempt to forget the past, in my attempt to forget the abandonment I'll bring it all right back. I'll be my own demise. It knows this, and taunts me with it day and night. Looming, forever looming on the horizon of my future. I can't escape it. Sooner or later I will have to face it. But that's just it. I'd rather die than face it. Is there anyway around it? The answer...no. Confrontation. Oh god how I despise it. Every shape and form of it brings pain and fear. "there is one way..." a voice whispers to me. "harden your heart, never love again, never let anyone in...then you'll never know abandonment" That is an option, sadly it is. But wait, wouldn't that be doing exactly that. Abandoning myself from others to the point where I feel abandoned? Didn't I just establish the fact that I'd be my own demise? God, what has become of me?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Will I?
I am Depressed. There I said it, except technically I haven't. I have never said the word aloud, to myself, referring to myself. And now, on the day my brother gets married...I find myself sitting here thinking about how terribly screwed up I am.
What teenage girl in her right mind, (one that has grown up in the church), would run from God? Who would turn down his advice, turn away from his face, shove his words into the back of her mind, avoid talking to him, avoid thinking about him....what teenage girl would do such a thing?! A screwed up one....a screwed up, depressed one such as myself. That's who.
Now....now that I have such wonderful information within my grasp...what do I do with it? Do I shout it on the rooftops. "I'M DEPRESSED!" "I'M INSANE!" Do I confront my family and tell them the truth, and then be shoved into a psych ward for my screwed up brain?
Do I turn back to God? And if so...then how? Will I even be able to contain that dark side of me that doesn't want anything to do with him? Will I ever be able to? Will I?
What teenage girl in her right mind, (one that has grown up in the church), would run from God? Who would turn down his advice, turn away from his face, shove his words into the back of her mind, avoid talking to him, avoid thinking about him....what teenage girl would do such a thing?! A screwed up one....a screwed up, depressed one such as myself. That's who.
Now....now that I have such wonderful information within my grasp...what do I do with it? Do I shout it on the rooftops. "I'M DEPRESSED!" "I'M INSANE!" Do I confront my family and tell them the truth, and then be shoved into a psych ward for my screwed up brain?
Do I turn back to God? And if so...then how? Will I even be able to contain that dark side of me that doesn't want anything to do with him? Will I ever be able to? Will I?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Running
All I do these days is run. Run away from the past. From my problems. From friends and family. Everything I do, encourages or aids my fleeing behaviors.
And now, just as I have done once a month since January 2008. I'm considering running away again. this time for good. I could do it. All I need to do is go to college, and then just never come back. It wouldn't be too difficult really. Just stop talking to people, "lose" addresses, happen to be busy when they come, flights are too expensive...etc. It really wouldn't be all that hard.
Actually thats a lie. It would be hard, really hard to leave friends and family. But really the only one I want to run away from is...
....my mom.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Cannot Escape
Cannot Escape
Memories torture my mind
As I battle to forget
The pain wells up inside
Overflowing into my daily life
Why can’t i
Just leave it all behind
I cannot escape
Sleep fills my head with dread
Day light keeps me wondering why
I’m left with no escape
My heart turns to rock
As I try to forget
I push others out
To scared to get hurt again
So much pain, so much hurt
My life could be made of stone
Like ancient remenants of the past
I cannot run fast enough
To escape the pain that pursues me
The memories that chase me
Problems I’m too scared to face
Invade my life
Overthrowing the small remains
Of the old me
I just can’t run fast enough
Pull me to the ground
Rip out my soul
Take away the pain
I don’t want to hurt anymore
For this is one battle
That I will never win
My mind is too far gone
There is no more
Coming back
Forget it
Cause I am done
What’s the point
In trying to smile
Trying to hide
All that pain inside
No one will notice
They never do
So let it all out
Stop trying so dang hard
Fore you can’t win
Not this time
Not anymore
I cannot escape
Nightmares torture me day and night
Worry fills my soul
Every breath I take
Seems like a waste
What’s the point
I cannot escape
The lights already passed
And the tunnel is dark
No way out
Cause the way is blocked
By these dark memories
I cannot escape
Not a good year
My mind is failing me once more. I had managed to convince myself that I had succeed, so many months ago. But now I know what I was wrong. I have not forgotten nor will I ever forget that night. I've tried countless times to forget that mind shattering event between my mother and I. Yet I cannot and will never be able to. It has been ingrained in my mind, images, feelings, memories that I would rather not remember. Will always be there. Always.
It wasn't too long ago, that this event happened to occur. But it was long enough ago that I had almost succeeded in forgetting it. Until recently.
My emotional state hadn't yet been secured, and I was wobbling all over the place mentally and emotionally. Josh had only been gone for a week, maybe less than that. It was August 26, 2009 and that was my first major fight with my mom...in my entire life. It wasn't so much of a fight as a long everlasting lecture about how horrible of a child I was. How rebellious and hateful I was...blah blah blah. I was forced to sit there, in the bathroom in the dark, tears streaming down my face as my mother yelled at me and refused to let me leave the room until she was satisfied. At the same time, my younger brother was in the living room blasting the music as loud as he could so that he could drown out the noise. He and I have had to sit through several fights, mainly between my Mom and Josh...and we always hated it. (He later told me that he felt terrible, and that he hated every minute of it, and felt bad for me) I probably sat in the bathroom for an hour. Maybe a little longer. all the while crying my eyes out. I just wanted to go to my room. I just wanted to curl up on my bed and cry. but I wasn't allowed to. Actually, I wanted a hug. A hug from my brother...from Josh. But he wasn't home. He wasn't there both physically and spiritually...and he will never be again either.
Eventually I was released, and free to go to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried for 2+ hours...straight.
2009 has not been a good year. The year was supposed to bring the changes...the good changes. It haso nly brought despair. I never felt this alone until this year. I've never cried so much...until this year. I've never done this much thinking until this year and I've never wanted to run away this strongly...until now.
It wasn't too long ago, that this event happened to occur. But it was long enough ago that I had almost succeeded in forgetting it. Until recently.
My emotional state hadn't yet been secured, and I was wobbling all over the place mentally and emotionally. Josh had only been gone for a week, maybe less than that. It was August 26, 2009 and that was my first major fight with my mom...in my entire life. It wasn't so much of a fight as a long everlasting lecture about how horrible of a child I was. How rebellious and hateful I was...blah blah blah. I was forced to sit there, in the bathroom in the dark, tears streaming down my face as my mother yelled at me and refused to let me leave the room until she was satisfied. At the same time, my younger brother was in the living room blasting the music as loud as he could so that he could drown out the noise. He and I have had to sit through several fights, mainly between my Mom and Josh...and we always hated it. (He later told me that he felt terrible, and that he hated every minute of it, and felt bad for me) I probably sat in the bathroom for an hour. Maybe a little longer. all the while crying my eyes out. I just wanted to go to my room. I just wanted to curl up on my bed and cry. but I wasn't allowed to. Actually, I wanted a hug. A hug from my brother...from Josh. But he wasn't home. He wasn't there both physically and spiritually...and he will never be again either.
Eventually I was released, and free to go to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried for 2+ hours...straight.
2009 has not been a good year. The year was supposed to bring the changes...the good changes. It haso nly brought despair. I never felt this alone until this year. I've never cried so much...until this year. I've never done this much thinking until this year and I've never wanted to run away this strongly...until now.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Who is that girl?
Who is that girl? The one that insists that she's fine, but is really dying inside? The one that pushes everyone else away, afraid that if they get too close then they'll see the strings that hold her life together.
Who is that girl? That cries herself to sleep at night. That's struggling to do what's right. Not to cry. Not to run away from her wretched life? Who is she? The one that's lost, who's alone, who's fighting to live another day? Who is she? And why does she hide so?
Who is that girl? That stares you in the eyes, and lies. Who's hiding behind a mask. Who only wants you to ask. "Who is that girl?"
Who is that girl? The one that's trying to forget. To escape from the pains of yesterday. Who is she? The one that's running from the past. The one that lies to your face. The one that can't explain. The one that's always running away. Who is she? The girl with the pain filled eyes. The pathetic pile of lies.
Who is that girl? The one that wanders along the border of fine. The one that dips her toes in depression. The one that plays with "fire". The one that claws at her arms. The one that wants to go blind. The one that wants to forget it all. The one that enjoys the pain? The one that hurts. The one that wants to hurt. The one that longs to hurt. The one that hurts to escape the memories.
Who is that girl? The jumpy one, who's always wanting to run. Who itches for escape. Longs for freedom. Dreams of a new beginning....who is trapped by the past.
Who is that girl? Who's life is falling apart. Who begs for another start. Who is she?
She is me.
Who is that girl? That cries herself to sleep at night. That's struggling to do what's right. Not to cry. Not to run away from her wretched life? Who is she? The one that's lost, who's alone, who's fighting to live another day? Who is she? And why does she hide so?
Who is that girl? That stares you in the eyes, and lies. Who's hiding behind a mask. Who only wants you to ask. "Who is that girl?"
Who is that girl? The one that's trying to forget. To escape from the pains of yesterday. Who is she? The one that's running from the past. The one that lies to your face. The one that can't explain. The one that's always running away. Who is she? The girl with the pain filled eyes. The pathetic pile of lies.
Who is that girl? The one that wanders along the border of fine. The one that dips her toes in depression. The one that plays with "fire". The one that claws at her arms. The one that wants to go blind. The one that wants to forget it all. The one that enjoys the pain? The one that hurts. The one that wants to hurt. The one that longs to hurt. The one that hurts to escape the memories.
Who is that girl? The jumpy one, who's always wanting to run. Who itches for escape. Longs for freedom. Dreams of a new beginning....who is trapped by the past.
Who is that girl? Who's life is falling apart. Who begs for another start. Who is she?
She is me.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
In need of a bigger brain...
I am in need of a bigger brain because mine is overflowing. Overflowing with thoughts and ideas that I can't seem to organize into separate categories...because my brain is already full. I can't think straight, I can't even begin to focus on anything...and each weekend, anything I learned in school is thrown in the trash in my unconscious attempt to organize my thoughts.
I'm woken up at 5:30am each and EVERY day. As I sit there, my mind spinning as it tries to think clearly. I worry. I dream. I worry again. I dream some more. I plan. I plot. I try to focus. I learn. I forget. I worry once more. I'm back where I started.
My life is far from normal. Whatever normal is. I don't even seem to live in reality anymore. Its like my brain has given up on "reality" and has moved off to la la land...and just so happened to "forget" to leave a "reach-me-address". Nothing is real to me anymore. Everything is a lie, a fake...its not real. I live in this world, that doesn't even exist. My life...isn't realistic. My dreams...aren't realistic. My expectations...aren't realistic. Nothing about me is realistic...is real. Its like I'm not even here half the time. My mind's lost in some foreign land, and I can't seem to find my way back. Part of me is fighting to get back...while the half...is beginning to like this different "world" where I can be whoever I want. Where I never have to worry, where things work the way they are supposed to. Where father's don't run off with other women. Where parents, siblings, friends, spouses...don't die. Where war doesn't exist. Where money is never a problem. Where everyone is treated equal. Where obesity isn't a problem. Where disease is instinct. Where teenagers aren't depressed for reasons that don't even make sense. Where people aren't haunted by their past. Where I can actually understand the thoughts that somehow appear in my head. That somehow seem to make sense, but I don't know how. Where things are the way I've always imagined.
But this world doesn't really exist. Its not real, never has been...and sadly will never be. People will die. Fathers will run off with other women. Disease is still running about our world--killing all in its path. War is still going strong, and there doesn't seem to be any end. Depression attacks the innocent--never leaving any escape. Obesity, poverty, and unexplainable things...still happen.
And I'm still sitting here. In dire need of a bigger brain. One that could comprehend these thoughts. One that could make sense of my confused emotions. One that doesn't become depressed for no apparent reason. Yet I don't have any of it. I'm still here, still unable to understand. And still---depressed.
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