Into the Field

That's what I'm wanting, to go out into the field. Am I ready? Now that's something else entirely. All I know is that I want to go. I've been wanting to do this for years, since I went to Mexico back in 2007. My only problem is that I've never been ready. Now, its not only me saying "I'm not ready" My own mother has said the same thing "You're not ready yet, give it some time." People are worried that I'll get there and then freak out because of the stuff I'm seeing. But that still doesn't keep me from wanting to go. I can't help it, the desire is there. The urge is there. I've begged God to just send me. But...it's not the right time.

Journaling

I'm here. I know this is where I belong. But why? Why me? And don't give me that "why not?" crap. I need a legit answer. something more than "because I called you here" "What more do you need?" God, I just don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

 All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to stay strong. No crying here. I can't be vulnerable. My roomie M2 was right, I don't like being vulnerable. I can't open up my heart because I'm afraid to...to get hurt again. I just can't. God. too many people have walked away, abandoned me. Why would this time be any different? what makes this school so dang special? How do I know that these people will be any different? They don't know me, they don't know who I am or where I've been. And what's worse is that, they've been through worse yet here they are passing me by.

 God? who the frick am I? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I feel so unloved and unworthy? I deserve better. I deserve something more. But this, this is all I know. All I've ever known. This inferiority its, it's something I don't know how to deal with. Why I don't feel like God can...I feel this way because I rejected him. I shunned him, hated, despised him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I tried to move on to do it myself. To be my own savior. It's not working it never worked to begin with. So why did I keep at it? Good question. Why am I so selfish all the time. So vain as to think it's all about me. It's clearly not. God, I can't do this anymore. I just can't keep running and hiding. I can't keep this charade up any longer. Look God I'm sorry okay? I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm foolish okay! There I said it. I'm a foolish naive young girl who has no idea what she's doing. Happy now?

 How'd I know you would say no? You won't be happy till I'm back with you. Completely and 100% yours. I sound and act the same. Even when worried, happy, sad, upset, excited, mad, bitter. My moods change minutely or rather the outward appearance does. But my walls are finally cracking and now, I don't know where I want to be, but getting there is my problem. At least my roommates have come to "peace" about things. Yet I can't. Why? It's so simple really. I don't want to let go of my anger. It's all I know. The one thing that's remained constant throughout my life. Even though it was based on inconsistent things. I hate change. I hate the unknown. And that's right where god put me. Smack dab in the middle of the great unknown. Cause then I have to rely on him. Even when I don't want to...sigh.

 I was going to blog. My computer has been commandeered (I'm boring my roomie's computer) by God to teach me a thing or two. I don't like these teaching times. Especially when I know what needs doing. This time it's read my bible and pray. But I'm resisting, I know-BAD Molly, BAD! But it's not.

Dang this isn't good. I'm starting to...no I'm not! I am clean and free of all demonic spirits. I have been set free and this temple is bolted down. NO evil spirit shall ever set up camp in here again. Why am I such an idiot? Why? Why do i refuse to accept what I know to be true? What's been ingrained in me since day one? Oh God, what have I done to myself?

 BREATHE

 Just breathe M. Breathe. I know it's hard but we can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me" What happened to that girl? The one who was so excited and couldn't wait and never wanted to leave? Who could feel his presence? The one who was touched by an angel-who was hugged when they needed it most. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. God how do I trust you? How do I stop this nonsense? I still feel like I did so many years ago. Like somewhere out there-aka across the room-is someone whose problems are worse than mine. They deserve God more. What did she ever do wrong? I slammed the door in his face. I hated him, despised him,. I wanted nothing to do with God-I backed out on him. I deserve none of it. G2 said we didn't deserve any of it. But at least some people deserve God's help more than others. Starving children in Africa. you get the idea.

 BREATHE

 It's going to be okay....... .......it has to be.....

Spirits

This morning, after waking up at 6 (thinking it was Friday and I had school) I fell back asleep and entered the dream world once again. I don't remember anything about the dream but I do remember waking up with the words "NO! NO! NO! NO!" screaming in my head. I jolted awake practically rolling in fear. My eyes felt heavy, as if something was trying to drag me back to that nightmare, that evil dream. I fought the sleepiness as hard as I could, moving my eyes to try and wake me up more. As I moved my eyes about the room, I noticed that the room looked really dark and that there was a shadow in the corner opposite be. It was shifting unnaturally, this really freaked me out and I remembered all the "Rebuking" my Mom had been doing lately to try and "cleanse" her spirit and soul. Basically, rebuking demons and spirits. Thinking "what the heck" I tried it. I really don't like all this spirit "crap" that my Mom's been doing lately, it's annoying but I was desperate and was willing to take a stab at it. So I sat there, quietly whispering to myself, but loud enough for the spirits to "hear". I kept saying "I rebuke you, spirit of fear. No spirits will enter this room tonight, no spirits will enter me tonight. I'm a daughter of Christ. In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you spirit..." blah blah blah. After about a minute of that I was wide awake, like the sleepiness had been removed from my eyes and the room didn't look so dark and shadowy anymore. I then fell back asleep and slept peacefully the entire night.

Now, I don't know what to think.

Fresh Start

It's about time I know, 3+ years is quite a while. But those 3+ years happened for a reason. I know that, I always knew that. But for some reason I just couldn't quite believe it. I've sat here for days, weeks, months wondering when it would finally happen. And now it has.

Seems like it was overnight, but I know that it wasn't. I can't really pin point the end. Just as I can't pin point the start. It sort of just happened. I woke up one day, and things were a little bit different. Two weeks later, things were greatly different. How this happened, I still don't know. All I know is that it has...and that I'm enjoying it. It's like the tables were switched around and now, I suddenly hold the power again. My life is in my control once more, but it wasn't so long ago that it wasn't. All someone has to do is look at this blog and they'll know that. I think my "rock bottom" moment was sometime in the past few months. And everyone knows that once you hit rock bottom, you start to climb up again..its no longer a continual drop. Now, I'm climbing up. I'm back on my way to the top and I can't wait to see the view.

Things are different, so very different. Except, there remains one thing that I cannot do. Literally cannot. Prayer. I just...cant do it. When other people pray I can't wait until their done. And when I pray, I feel like I'm only doing it to "act" like a good Christian. Like I'm not doing it for the right reasons. Also, when I pray, its like this super long, drawn out ordeal...even though I hardly say a word. Half the time when I pray, I fall asleep before anything "real" even happens. But hey, I'm not complaining. I mean, I have to take it one step at a time right? I can't just expect that everything will fall right into place. And I'll be the perfect Christian, cause that's not happening. I have to rebuild my relationship with God, with myself, with everyone. I have to start over, I've let down so many. I've lied to who knows how many. Its time for me to start over....but this time. I'm getting a fresh start. Another chance, a chance to do it right this time.

I've read the bible lately, almost every night for the entire month of January. I admit I do miss some days, but doesn't everyone when they first start out again? Like I said before, I can't expect the best right away. the fact that I'm TRYING to at least do this thing...makes me happy. It tells me that a part of me does still care, that somewhere I am actively fighting this "thing" that has had control over me for so long. The fact that I'm reading the bible has to say something...compared to when I would avoid it entirely. Something has changed, that much is certain. But I still don't know what exactly.

However, the timing couldn't be more perfect. Everything's falling into place for me right now. But then again, God's timing is always perfect, so of course its falling into place. I WANT to talk about this thing...but I can't. I refuse to get my hopes up about something that I'm not even sure will  happen yet. It can't be a coincidence though....it can't....right?! UGH! I sure hope its not just my BRAIN thinking that it is. But either way, I'm happy! Happy! It feels weird to say that I'm happy. I'm like NEVER happy...so why am I happy?? I don't even know!! I just am. I know this journey isn't going to be easy, it never is. And I have a feeling that I'll probably slip back down the slope once more, but as long as I keep trying I will reach the top again. I will.

The Impossible

What's impossible...Hiding from God.

Yet even with the knowledge that it IS impossible...why do some, still attempt to hide from him? Why do some still hope that eventually, after many years, after running around in countless circles, that they may finally escape from him? That they may be free from his prying eyes, free to do what they wish. To screw up their life, knowing that they could have done so much better? Why?

Why do they run away, knowing that he will find them again? Knowing that he knows every thing about them...what they will do with their life.

Why, I can't tell you. But I can tell you about my own journey. My journey to accomplish...the impossible. With full knowledge that I will fail. Yet I can't seem to cancel this journey, I have to go through with it. I just have to.

A few weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with a close friend (and cousin) of mine. It was during another one of my "la la" land adventures. He asked why I had not been praying. And I told him. Flat out told him. He didn't know what to say. I told him how I'd heard it all. All the sermons, songs, stories...all of it. I'd heard them over and over again. But that was all it was now...simply songs, sermons, stories...nothing more. This "religion" is more a part of my so called "life" rather than a conscious decision. Its like it was just shoved into my life as a way of life...like I never made the choice...but I didn't want that. I wasn't trying to run from God. But at the same time I was. I was trying to remove God from my life, even thoguh I didn't want to. I want God, but at the same time...part of me doesn't. Its like part of me is dying to be free from my past life...and since I grew up as a Christian...that part of me believes that in order to be free I have to remove everything from my past...including my believes. I know this is wrong, I know this isn't the truth...but the other 1/2 of me isn't listening. I can't control it, this...dark....evil side of me. I can't contain it. Every now and then it pops up, takes a glimpse around the free world and realizes that it LOVES this freedom. And then, I'm stuck, struggling to decide which is right, and which is wrong. Running from something that is more powerful than I could ever be or trying to forget it all and move on.

And then a few days ago some people were talking about how we have to rely on God and I was sitting there thinking "Will you just shut up about God already!? I don't want to hear it..." Its the same way with Prayer. I don't want to. Its not that I can't, or that he's not listening. I don't want to . And that thought scares me. It honestly scares me. But what can I do? If everything related to God, I'm shoving away faster than I can embrace it?

Will I?

I am Depressed. There I said it, except technically I haven't. I have never said the word aloud, to myself, referring to myself. And now, on the day my brother gets married...I find myself sitting here thinking about how terribly screwed up I am.

What teenage girl in her right mind, (one that has grown up in the church), would run from God? Who would turn down his advice, turn away from his face, shove his words into the back of her mind, avoid talking to him, avoid thinking about him....what teenage girl would do such a thing?! A screwed up one....a screwed up, depressed one such as myself. That's who.

Now....now that I have such wonderful information within my grasp...what do I do with it? Do I shout it on the rooftops. "I'M DEPRESSED!" "I'M INSANE!" Do I confront my family and tell them the truth, and then be shoved into a psych ward for my screwed up brain?

Do I turn back to God? And if so...then how? Will I even be able to contain that dark side of me that doesn't want anything to do with him? Will I ever be able to? Will I?