Ineffable! (#3)

It's been so long I almost don't remember where I left off. Okay screw that, I know. I just have to think about it a little bit.

So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.

Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....

myself.

I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.

Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.

I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)

He's Jealous?

He's jealous? How in the world is he jealous of ME! Of MY relationship with God! How?! There is absolutely nothing to be jealous of, yet he's jealous. But then again, I guess we don't talk too much anymore so he wouldn't know that that very relationship he's so jealous of, is sorta...kinda...slipping down the drain. To be honest, only a small handful of people actually know about that. I try my best to keep it hidden while I try to figure this whole thing out. But really, he's jealous of it. Why?

*Sigh* He's jealous of something that no longer is. He's jealous of the relationship I used to have. And now, more than ever I want him to go. To just get away. To leave. To go back to his home. To stay out of my life. To stay away. It won't be long before he's overseas for the military anyway. So its not like I have to wait too long. But I just can't take it anymore, him being here. Every moment he's here is like a slap in the face. It reminds me of all the failed relationships I have, of all the things I've shoved away. Hidden in the dark corners of my heart. He brings them all back to the surface to show their faces, to remind me of their existence. He's not aware of it, but he does it. Every time he comes back into my life he does that to me. And I don't know how to get away from it all.

He still believes that we have a great relationship. That he knows me, understands me, that I trust him with things. But what he doesn't know is that that is a thing of the past. He's on a one way street now. He's gone, he's lost his role in my life. I love him. I always will, he's my older brother. But trust him? Tell him things no one else knows? Talk to him about life? I just can't go there again. That's gone, the moment he ditched L and I was the moment I pushed him away. And slowly, ever so slowly since that day...I've been pushing him. Further and further away. He's just like those bad memories and failed relationships, things I keep hidden in the darkest corners of my heart. I don't think I need to list those things. They are probably quite obvious enough. Really all I need to say are "Mother" "Father" "God" "J" and there ya go. All those things I keep hidden revolve around those four simple words. Those "innocent" little lines on my hand...fall under one or more of those categories right there. Really, just about everything fits under those four words. *Sigh* He just needs to leave. He's been here too long. It's time for him to go.

Mother & I

She pretends to hate me sometimes. I don't have to pretend.

Why did he have to come back?

It would have been easier had he stayed away, now I’m forced to remember all those painful memories. And worse yet, left alone to deal with them. They don’t see it. They can’t. They are too busy with their own screwed up lives to notice the one that’s ever so slowly slipping down the drain. If only they’d open their eyes, care enough to find out if what I’m telling them is actually true. If only they’d ask “How are you REALLY?” Then maybe they’d learn, maybe they’d care. Maybe I wouldn’t be left sitting here.

All the things I long to tell him, I can't. I've been forbidden from it. The things that kill me to have to hide, to keep secret, to keep hidden....are the things I'd long to tell him. But I can't.

She's stolen my best friend from me. The only one who ever truly understood me. Who cared. Now he's gone. Maybe not physically (though he will be soon) but emotionally. That connection we once had is gone. All because of her. And she wonders why I despise her. Why I argue with her. Why I count down the days till I'm free of HER. Yet for some odd reason people continue to think that it will all just disappear once I'm out of the house. It wont. We are incapable of getting along. I know that. She knows that. Yet she pretends that she doesn't. She pretends that I'm the daughter she always wanted, the one she dreamed of before I was born. She pretends that I'm the perfect child who does everything the way it should be. She imagines me as the little stay at home mom who does all these girly things...that's not me. I'm not the daughter she wanted. No, that task fell to my sister in law. The perfect daughter. The one she always dreamed of.

Its common knowledge that the middle child is always left hanging. The oldest does everything first. When they graduate its a first. When they turn 18 its a first. When they start driving its a first. Same with the youngest. When they start driving its a last, therefore much more emotional cause that means the children are growing up. When they graduate HS its another last, therefore another emotional event. But us middle children? Nothing we do is ever important, ever emotional. Why, cause its already been done and will be done again.

Josh this. Josh that. Josh this. Josh that. That's all I've heard these past 2 years. COME ON! Yes, he was a senior. yes it was his last year at home. BUT REALLY?!. "Ah, my baby boy is graduating HS!" Ah, he needs a graduation party. He's joining the military! He's got a girlfriend! He needs a going way party! Don't tell him anything bad, don't make him worry! He doesn't need that! Ah he's engaged! Ah he's graduating from Basic Training. HES MARRIED! I've got a married son! Don't worry him, he doesn't need that. I WANT TO SEE MY SON TOO! Spring Break Yeah I get to see my son again! (H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS! WHY ON EARTH DID I EVER AGREE TO GO ON A VACATION WITH HER!?) My boy's coming home! YEAH! Ah..he's leaving. I'm going to go cry for the billionth time.

I know that people in the military need support, they don't need to be worried. But seriously...does everything have to be about him all the freaking time! What about me? This is my year isn't it? I'm leaving home in less than 336 days...shouldn't it be "Me" sometimes? Nope. Instead it goes like this through her head every freaking second of the day. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Moll--no wait..change my mind--Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. "I feel like I'm forgetting someone...nevermind" Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. "Oh YEAH! Molly. She can wait." Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Molly. Repeat.

Gah. I was fine, until he came home. Now I have to deal with all this crap once again. I had managed to forget it. Or at least shove the thoughts away so I didn't have to think about them. I can't now. I'm forced to confront them once again...just cause he's back and now I have daily reminders of all this crap. God, this isn't even all of it. But I can't keep typing...I dont want Jake to see my crying.

Wish I knew

I had this amazing idea for a blog post. I was all excited about typing it up today. But...it's gone. Where, who knows.

I've got a year left, one stupid, pathetic, year. What will I do? My entire life has been a blur, boring, plain, and sometimes annoying. But now that I'm beginning the end, it seems as if it should be picking up. It seems as if it should be becoming exciting. But that's just the thing. It isn't. Instead I sit here and count down the days till I turn 18 and begin making my own choices(344). I plot out all the things I'll do AFTER my 344 days are over. But what do I do during those days? Who knows. I'll probably just end up wasting them. Spending them working, hiding out in my room, writing things I know will never see the light of day, take photos of things I'll later be too ashamed to show anyone, really I guess my problem here is self esteem. But I'm not in the mood to go there. So what else is there to do? Besides sit at home and be a bum for the next 344 days.

Well there's always the old standby, arguing with your mother. I'm sure she'll just love me after that. In all honesty, I doubt her and I will ever truly get along well. We may have in the past...when I was her perfect little princess...but not now. And not in the future. She'll be just like my dad then, another person that's NOT in my life. I'll basically be a self declared orphan. Hmmm...that sounds funny. Sure, I know plenty of people would DIE to have both of their parents or even one of them. But this is my choice here. She has never shown much interest in being a part of my life so why should I force something that just will never be? Exactly. I shouldn't, and won't. *sigh*

I don't know how I got here. To this pathetic level. I mean, what child in their right mind would WANT to be an orphan. Well, me. That's who. Maybe not a legit one, but I sure as heck seem to want it like that emotionally. Why...I wish I knew. I wish I knew why I sit at this desktop so often and plot out my escape. I wish I knew. But I just don't. And I really doubt I ever truly will.

Keep it to yourself

What am I doing? What the frick am I doing? How can I sit here every single stupid day and pretend that everything's going to be okay? How can I pretend that I've got all the time in the world to decide what to do? How can I? Especially since its not true, I've got hardly anytime to decide and its beginning to get to me. I can honestly say, I know what stress is. I know what it feels like to wonder where your life is going. To truly be lost, confused, alone. I know what that's like. And I know how terribly hard it is to overcome it. To pull yourself from the hole you've attempted to bury yourself in. I know what its like to pull yourself up, grasping at the slippery walls. The excitement you feel as you begin to rise, only to slip and fall back, breaking through the floor and falling even farther than you did before. I don't just talk about it, I know. But how many other people can say that? How many of them know what its like to truly be hopeless. To feel like nothing you do can ever save you, like you are a lost case? How many people know that feeling? Definitely not as many that offer advice for it. Too many people offer advice, sympathy when they have no idea what its like, how hard it is, how mentally exhausting it is. Yet they continued to pretend they do. They are a bigger fake than me. They are bigger liars than me, they don't know. They haven't the slightest idea. Granted I've never been locked up in a prison, threatened, tortured, alone in the wilderness, persecuted, I've never had any of those. But I'm also not implying that I have. I don't offer advice to people who have, cause I don't know what its like. How do I know that what I say will help in anyway? That's exactly it. I don't know.

If only other people would realize this. People like me, we don't want help nor advice from others who have no idea what they are talking about. We don't want their sympathy. We just want someone to listen, but just cause we talk to you doesn't mean we want all your stupid judgment, advice, and other crap. Only reason we talk to you is so you can listen. It's that simple. When you start shoving other crap on us, about how to do things (that you have no knowledge of) that's when you push us away. That's when we tune out your talk, when we ignore you, when we turn off. Most people don't know this, its typically only those that have gone through these "trials". But sometimes, even those people don't know when to shut up. When to just listen. Sometimes, they can't tell when a person's turned off. Instead they keep pushing, with good intentions I'm sure, hoping to break through. But really...when they keep pushing, it pushes us farther away. It builds up more walls, more barriers that they'll have to tear down another day. We'll come around eventually, if its something worth coming around to.

I didn't know what stress felt like. Now I do.

I didn't know what it felt like to not know what you're doing with your life, where you're going. Now I do.

I didn't know what depression was. Now I do.

I didn't know what it felt like to be ignored. Now I do.

I didn't know what it felt like to be abandoned. Now I do.

I didn't know what it felt like to cry yourself to sleep each night. Now I do.

I didn't know how pain affected my life. Now I do.

I didn't know how easy it was to scar yourself. Now I do.

I always knew people loved me. Now I don't.

I always had someone to go to. Now I don't.

I always thought I had plenty of time to decide. Now I don't.

I always thought I knew what I wanted. Now I don't.

I always thought everything would just fall into place. But it's not.

I always thought I'd get along just fine. But I'm not.

I never thought I'd fall that low. But I have.

I never thought I'd get that close to it. But now I am.

I never thought I'd give up on others. But I have.

I never thought I'd ignore the worried looks, talks, emails, chats. But I have.

I never thought I'd be the one to cause others pain, fear, and worry. But I have.

I never thought I'd look down and see scars. But I do.

I never thought that those very same scars would be my own doing. But they are.

I never thought I'd doubt everything about life. But I do.

I never thought I'd have be the one to argue with my mother. But I do.

I never thought I'd have arguments over text, chat with "her". But I do.

I never thought I'd contemplate running away. But I have.

I never thought I'd forgive my father. And I haven't.

I never thought I'd forgive my grandparents. And I haven't.

I never thought I'd forgive J. And I haven't.

I never thought I'd forgive myself. And I haven't.



I never thought I'd write this, nor post it. But I just did.

Ruined Holidays

Every holiday is ruined, because of her. Actually, its everyone of HER holidays. Every Mother's Day my family and I TRY to do something nice for our mother. And every time she ruins it by fighting with us about random things that aren't even a big deal. Had she saved these arguments for a later time then her holiday would have been nicer and she would have had happy memories from the day rather than memories of arguing and angry children.

Knowing

I told her. She knows now. Because I told her. I had to tell her. She forced it from me. I wish I didn't tell her. Yet I'm glad I told her. She needed to know. But she doesn't know what to think about what I told her.

She knows now, that my relationships are crap. She knows now how I feel about the "preaching" she shoves down my throat. She knows now how much I despise my conversations with her. She knows.

I told her that every time the storm begins to calm, she brings another one. Arguments with her are the killing thing. They are the weather that creates the storm until I, unable to handle it, simply blow up beneath the pressure. I can't do it. This fighting, this chaos. This false reality I call my life. I just cant do it. Every time I begin to find my way again, She comes back into my life. Forcing me, pushing me, to run away. Its not my fault, it never was, that we just don't get along. How she can deny, any responsibility I know not. We were never meant to get along, I swear I was switched at birth. She doesn't like me, I know that now. I don't like her, she knows that now. How much longer will I have to stay here? How much longer until i'm free? Seriously, how much longer? Living with her is only hindering me. That's all it's ever done. Someone once told me that when a parent is uncertain, the child becomes uncertain. Well THANKS! She got her wish, I no longer know whats right and wrong. I no longer know what I value. What I cherish.

Knowing, if only I knew the truth. If only I knew who I was. Then perhaps, perhaps then I'd know what to do.




And she wonders why I scarred myself?

Mother

You have no idea how long I've plotted my escape. How I beg God to make time fly faster, till the day I can finally flee this life. I'm sorry, I'm just not the daughter you always thought I'd be. All I am is me. That's all I'll ever be. I can't be the picture perfect, darling little princess you imagined. I'm not her. I never was. Why can't you just accept me the way I am? Please, I'm begging you. If only you could see past this mask, this costume...that's hiding the real me. I'm here! I SWEAR! I'm still HERE!

Someone once said...

Someone once said, that when the parent shows two different fronts, one for church and one for home. When the "church" front only appears once or twice a week. That the kids begin to question. They begin to wonder. They begin to doubt.

They doubt everything there is to their life. They doubt their relationships. They doubt themselves. They doubt their abilities. They doubt their family, their friends. But worst of all...they begin to doubt God. They wonder if he's really there. Does he even exist. They wonder if he hears their cries each lonesome night. They wonder if he sees their pain, if he pays attention at all. They wonder. They hope. But in the end, they doubt. Everything they once knew to be true..is now up for questioning. Everything they trusted in, is no longer trust worthy. Their life is no longer the same. And slowly, ever so slowly. The children slip away. They fall away from their lives, away from God, from family, from friends, but especially from God. This doubt has eaten away their belief, living them with nothing. Its taken away their hope, their joy, their peace. They no longer believe the same things, they no longer dream the same dreams. They are doubting their very lives. All because their parents led a double life.

Some still believe that Children don't watch their parents actions, but I could beg to differ. I watched my Mom throughout the years, and slowly ever so slowly I began to fall. At first I didn't realize what was happening, I questioned life. I questioned God. I question everything there was in this world. Heck I questioned whether I was even real or not. Whether this world was really here. I've doubted. Doubted for so dang long that now, I don't know how to get back. I can't trust the path before my feet because I don't know where it goes anymore. I can't trust the words I hear, because I don't know the truth anymore. I can't trust my soul anymore because I no longer know what I value. What I feel. What I think. I don't know.This doubt has eaten away everything, leaving me with nothing. I watched my Mom, and look where I ended. Never again shall I follow after others. Never again shall I let myself be lead astray by the actions and behaviors that others put forth each passing day. Never again.