Ineffable! (#3)

It's been so long I almost don't remember where I left off. Okay screw that, I know. I just have to think about it a little bit.

So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.

Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....

myself.

I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.

Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.

I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)