Someone once said...

Someone once said, that when the parent shows two different fronts, one for church and one for home. When the "church" front only appears once or twice a week. That the kids begin to question. They begin to wonder. They begin to doubt.

They doubt everything there is to their life. They doubt their relationships. They doubt themselves. They doubt their abilities. They doubt their family, their friends. But worst of all...they begin to doubt God. They wonder if he's really there. Does he even exist. They wonder if he hears their cries each lonesome night. They wonder if he sees their pain, if he pays attention at all. They wonder. They hope. But in the end, they doubt. Everything they once knew to be true..is now up for questioning. Everything they trusted in, is no longer trust worthy. Their life is no longer the same. And slowly, ever so slowly. The children slip away. They fall away from their lives, away from God, from family, from friends, but especially from God. This doubt has eaten away their belief, living them with nothing. Its taken away their hope, their joy, their peace. They no longer believe the same things, they no longer dream the same dreams. They are doubting their very lives. All because their parents led a double life.

Some still believe that Children don't watch their parents actions, but I could beg to differ. I watched my Mom throughout the years, and slowly ever so slowly I began to fall. At first I didn't realize what was happening, I questioned life. I questioned God. I question everything there was in this world. Heck I questioned whether I was even real or not. Whether this world was really here. I've doubted. Doubted for so dang long that now, I don't know how to get back. I can't trust the path before my feet because I don't know where it goes anymore. I can't trust the words I hear, because I don't know the truth anymore. I can't trust my soul anymore because I no longer know what I value. What I feel. What I think. I don't know.This doubt has eaten away everything, leaving me with nothing. I watched my Mom, and look where I ended. Never again shall I follow after others. Never again shall I let myself be lead astray by the actions and behaviors that others put forth each passing day. Never again.

The "Mind"

I've wasted countless years conforming to the ways of this world. Conforming to the expectations set forth by family and friends. I've wasted my entire life conforming to the wishes of others...and hiding my true self. The conformed "me" willingly caged the real "me" against my own will...and threw away the key. I shoved the real me into a dark prison cell with no way out. And I left myself there, with no food, no water, nothing to live off of. I kept it isolated and alone, far from prying eyes. I kept it there, I ignored its pleas to be set free. I ignored its tears that seeped from under the prison bars. I left it, neglected and alone. I had stolen its childhood, its life, its only chance to be free. I had stolen its body, its soul, its very existence...and replaced it with "me".

But I had not stolen it all. Hidden, in the back of that prison cell, staring out from the shadows, remained none but one thing. My Mind. Stealing one's own mind is a task that none have ever concurred, yet "I" was determined to try. And try I did. I threw everything I had into stealing the mind. I spent countless years bombarding it with attacks, but never succeeded. 

And all the while the mind remained, it thought and thought. Every possible escaped it pondered. Every chance to be set free. Amongst all my brutal attacks, the mind remained. Growing more and more resentful with each passing day. And as the anger and frustration built, so did the hate. It flowed through the cracks in the door, and soaked the very vessel that I had stole. It swore to get revenge, it swore it would break free. It would finish me, take back the life I had stolen. It would alter me, it would remove the molds that "I" had so gladly conformed to. It would set "me" free and become the real "me". 

Then something happened, something new and unexpected. The Mind, which had before absorbed the attacks, fought back. All the pent up emotion, outrage, pain, anger, resentment, hate, it flung right back. Knocking me to my feet. For the first time, the Mind rebelled. It took a stand and fought back, it was through dealing with my crap. It was ready to be set free, it was ready to start living. 

Every day its strength grew, the places had been reversed. What I had once been trying to steal, I was now holding back. The mind was growing stronger now, everything I threw at it...it absorbed and threw right back. There was no winning this battle. There would be no happy ending. The mind was rebelling, it was no longer happy. It was no longer okay with its situation. It wanted change, it was tired of hiding. Tired of listening to others command it. It was ready to throw off the world, to embark on its own quest. The mind was tired of listening, tired of being the "good little church kid" the "goody good" the kind and gentle one. The helpful and obedient one. No, the mind did not take kindly to those things. I resented them with all its might, it despised authority. It hated hope and peace. I longed for rebellion and war. To ignore the ways of the worlds, to take things into its own hands. To ignore all who thought they knew best, to ignore all who thought that there was a real answer. No, the mind was not content. 

The mind knew, it knew what was best. It knew what was right and wrong. It didn't need anyone or anything to govern its ways. The mind could take care of that. The mind had learned, long ago, that when you ask...you do not get. For when it had gone crying to its master, begging on its hands and knees. It had been ignored, neglected. When it was alone and scared, who was there to go to? Who did the mind have to turn to? Nothing. No one. It was alone, in the dark shadows peering out into the black night. Shivering in the cold. The mind wasn't always alone, but time had proved that eventually they all turn their backs. Eventually, you are alone. There is no one else in this world who truly cares, for when you need the most. When you are screaming for aid, they will simply ignore. Pretend you were never there. They accept the false truths, the pitiful lies. The tainted words they hear, the false smile and the glossy eyes. They accept it all as real. The mind had been alone, alone long enough to realize the truth. To realize that it never mattered. That in the end, you were always alone. That no matter what you did. You could never overcome it. It would find you. The mind knew, and it had accepted. 

The prison bars break loose and the mind is free, running ramped through the world. I try to hide, but the mind...it knows, it throws me into the cell. Slamming the door shut and burning the key. I watch in horror as it shoves itself into the world. As it rebels against all that I had known. I watch in fear as it wanders off on its own, to start a life all alone. A life without friends, nor family. one without trust and love. Without God and Peace. Without hope or joy. The mind smashes the soul, rips free the masks and layers of walls. It flings itself into the open, trusting none but itself to lead the way. The mind is in control now. The mind will not obey. It will not conform. It removes the molds and crushes the views of society. It argues and fights. Destroys hope and peace. Ruins relationships and burns bridges. It hates with all its might as it seeks out other lives it can shatter. It knows naught but hate. Knows naught how to love. All it knows, it learned from the cell. It sees no need to do what is right, to help others, to provide. It sees no importance behind school, sees not how its actions hurt others. It sees naught but what it chooses. It sees the pain filled memories, the depressed state I left it in. It sees the ruin I had caused and vows to live life differently. It chooses to ignore the pleas and cries of others, just as it had once been ignored. It cannot see the need for God, nor the need for peace...within one's soul. Instead it sees the desire to change, the desperate need to abandon its life. To leave behind all I had gained. 

It abandoned friends, family, God. It abandoned them all. The mind knew it all, it didn't need them for anything. They had tried to run its life. They had tried to change it. To force it back to confinement. No, the mind would not go back. It would not conform to the world. It would not obey, it would not give in. No, the mind was its own. The mind was its own ruler now. There was no going back. The mind was in control now, and its not going to give it up. The mind refuses to give back the life it had just regained. It refuses to let others take control, to let others dictate its life. No, the mind lives for itself and itself only. Never again shall the mind conform to the views of society, family, or even God. No the mind was its own, and its own it shall stay. 

The Prize

"Prize, what on earth is the prize? I don't see any prize. What's the point of keeping your eye on the prize when there is none? Everyone's always saying-stay focused! -look forward! -keep your eyes on the prize. But what if we can't see the prize, what if there is no end in sight? How are we supposed to keep ourselves focused and motivated if there's no motivation? What's the point in striving to keep up, to keep pushing when there's no true end? "

What's the point to this life, if there's no reward in the end? Some may say the "prize" is pride. But how many times has the bible said that "pride" is a sin. Therefore, that can't be the true prize. Other's say that living with Jesus in the end is the reward. But what if we already have that, then what? Are we supposed to sit by and enjoy the ride? Even if we help others get to Jesus, there is still the matter of the "prize". Normally I don't care about prizes, but a prize doesn't always have to be a literal thing. Something you can hold in your hands. A prize could simply be an end of something. But the end of life, and beginning a life with God. Well we can't really experience that here on earth now can we. So what do we have? Nothing really. We have NOTHING.


Another way to think about this is, perhaps the prize is "the light at the end of the tunnel" But what if there is no light? "Keep going" some say, but what if we go and go and go and go...and there's never any end? What then? There's no prize, no end in sight. Then what's the point in continuing on? What's the point in striving to reach the unattainable, especially when we know that we can't get there. Didn't God make the 10 commandments knowing that we would never truly be able to fulfill every single one of them? Sure we can try, but that's all we can do. We can never reach it. Everyone sins, therefore the 10 commandments are unattainable. We can't reach them, there is no "pride" in knowing that you've succeeded. Because you can't, you haven't. No one has. So then what's the point? Why TRY to reach something that you just cant get? Why try to succeed when you will literally get nothing out of it?

Is there even a prize? Has there ever been a prize? If so, will we ever see it? Or is it really just another man-made thing to explain the point behind life?

Because if there is no "reward" in the end of life. Then what's the point to life?

Glimpse of my thought process

How many times have I sat here, in this very same spot, planning out something that everyone knows will never happen? How many times will I sit here and ignore everything God is trying to tell me just so that I can full fill a dream of MINE?

I don't get it. I never have and at times I doubt I ever will. God wants us to be happy right? So then is it wrong for us to try and pursue our dreams? Can't we further God's kingdom in other ways besides just the whole missionary type thing? Aren't there other ways to do that?

Once again, I'm here. Sitting at the desk, typing away as I day dream about the day when I can finally leap into my dreams. There are so many things I long to do with my life, mainly travel and write. Thankfully those two can be combined with just about anything. But its only common knowledge that those two things are nearly impossible without a job that actually pays. My dreams of living off my books, are simply dreams and nothing more. How many people out there say "I want to write a book"? Too many. Seems like everyone in America wants to write nowadays. But the reality of any of those ever getting published? Well the chances have dropped, that much is for certain. And as time goes on I feel as if my writing is staying the same. Its not growing, its not changing. Maybe that has to do with the fact that I don't write as much anymore and spend all my time THINKING and LEARNING how to write...and never actually doing anything. Maybe that's why, but honestly I don't ACTUALLY know.

I think the reason I'm complaining is because I've planned my life out so many times, but the things...the details that make up my life are constantly changing. Certain things never leave such as my want to travel and write. But the "back-up" jobs, hobbies, colleges, locations--all those things change. And lately, it seems like they are changing constantly. I have countless things I would LOVE to do while I'm still young. But it seems like my time is short. Like I won't be young for long. Things I would have loved to do, I am now suddenly too old for.Other things simply take up too much time, or cost an unreasonable amount of money. Here's a quick list...

• World Race Mission Trip-11 months and $16,000
• Peace Corps-27 months
• Road trip around the U.S-$1500 (with what I want to do) 
• Desperation Leadership Academy-8 months and $5,500
• Backpack in Europe
• Biola University-$30,000 a year

See. That right there is why I'm frustrated. All of those things take time and money. More money than I have at the moment, and when put together...the amount of time it would take for me to do all of those things is about 10 years. Including schooling. So what now. I can't do that, its too long and too much money. I'd be broke. Id be like...dead. 

UGH!!! Life is so dang frustrating! Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn't know that God was calling me to something. If I was simply living life for myself, the only one in charge. What would it be like? Never having to worry if you are following God's plan or not? Hmm...surely millions of people in America today are doing that. Yet I...am not one of them...and thus do not know. 

My plans have changed again. Now I want to go to Alaska. But not just to visit. I want to live there. But all that Alaska stuff is for another post...some other time. But just the fact that I now have ANOTHER thing to add to my list is frustrating me. I don't know what to do with my time anymore. I dont know what I want to live for anymore. I thought I knew. I thought I knew what I wanted in life, but really I'm so very lost.