Flickering Lights

Flickering Lights.
Broken Dreams.
Nightmares become Reality.

Do I dare?
Do I dare jump into the unknown?
Am I brave enough to face the trials?
The persecution?
Would I crumble,
Would I stand strong
Even when all else is going wrong?

Who Am I

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

Who am I, to question your motivation.
The reasoning behind your call
whether I'm worthy or not.
If I deserve the blessing?

Trapped Within

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

It's passing me by, and I'm spiraling down.
Away from all this, into a false reality.

Reaction

Every time it comes around, I slink off once again
Hiding in the far corners, desperate to escape
Both the noise--and the pain

Peace?

Here I am begging you

pleading with every part of my soul

not to leave, not to desert me

Not now, not ever

please oh please, don't you ever

abandon me again

my heart can't bare it

my soul can't take it

not again, please, not again

I'm not quite sure where that came from exactly. I kind of just started writing. I don't know whether that has anything to do with my so called "dad" but....whatever. It's there. I wrote it. Perhaps its just part of me that is terrified to open up again. Afraid that if I do then someone might wander in and tear the place apart. I don't know if I could live through that again. Once I finally figured out what was going on in my life, it seemed like things only got worse. That's when the whole, "cutting" thingy begin. I have pictures for proof you know. So if you ever want to see them, then just click on the label "scars" they should be in there. 

See, things are starting to look up for me. I'm finally in a place where I know I'm meant to be. Where things can't possibly be so bad. Yet, at the same time something just doesn't feel right. I'm hoping that after I deal with the "dad" thing, that things will finally fall back into place and that I'll be at peace once again. 

Honestly, I don't know what "peace" feels like. So if I don't know, then how will I know when it finally hits me? 

I'm Not Alright-Poem Fail

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside
As the pain cracks the thick walls
Banishing the light
Letting darkness seep inside

My hearts broken in two
Forever broken
As the tears I cry
Slip through the cracks
Escaping reality
I am not alright

My heart has gone numb
Frozen in time
Icy to the touch
Unable to feel
Even the simplest emotions
Unable to understand
The hardships of life

My life shrinks, into a ball
It rolls away
Far away
From the tiny fingers that reach out
Trying to save
The life that’s slipping away

Alone...as always

Once again I found myself alone tonight, just like always. I was told I wouldn't be alone, that I wouldn't have to worry about it. What a lie that turned out to be. We all know the truth. We all know how it ALWAYS ends up...it always ends up with someone not following through with their promise and someone else all alone and hating every minute of it. Oh sure tonight wasn't THAT bad. But still...it was bad enough that it made me think about thinks. Thinks I'd rather not even go into right now, things like "will I always be like this?" GOSH MOLS IT WAS A STUPID LITTLE THING! THEY WERE JUST LATE IN ARRIVING! GET OVER IT! But...they still left me alone. And then even those who could have helped out, choose not to. So really I guess I'm mad about those that left me alone on purpose. The other person, well they didn't have a choice really but still...those other people. They left me, they chose to leave poor little ole me all alone. So many others have, so what will stop future people from making the same decision? I know I said that this anger probably comes from these annoying and stupid people tonight, but there are other things that are bringing this idea to my mind tonight. One in particular. I feel as if one of my best friends is...avoiding me. Ditching me. As if she's like, gotten tired of listening to me rant about my annoying life when her's is probably worse. (I don't actually know as we haven't really talked much lately...which is why I feel this way too) I feel as if she's just sik of being my friend, so many others have in the past that it makes me wonder if she'll stay legit. If she'll still be here come tomorrow. **Sigh** This is what I think about. This is what I dwell on day after day. But you know what? Most of it probably is true. When I do talk to Alana* I feel as if she tries to end the conversation as soon as possible because she can't stand talking to me. When for all I know, she may really be tired, she may really have to help her family, she may really need to go do something. Yet I sit here and continue to come up with stupid reasons/proof as to why she's trying to get rid of me. **Sigh** I need to get back to reality. I know that, but...I don't know how. All I see is this. This pathetic thing I call my life. It's my fault really. I would have had a life if I'd accept people's offers to do things. But know, I turn it down with the lame excuse..."I'm busy". In fact I lie to people about what's going on in my life all the time. I tell them several things "yeah I'm fine" "I don't care" "nothing happened" "I'm busy" "I have to do......blah" Most of the times I use lame excuses to get out of things I'm too shy to admit I want to even try. I should just shut up. No one reads this. Trust me I know. I looked it up. The only page views I get are from myself....how sad is that? Pretty sad I must admit. Now, I think I'll go. I'll just leave you with one quick pathetic attempt a poem.

Darkness creeps in around me

Silence fills the air

An empty soul

Is hiding here

Away from light

Away from view

Locked up

In this cold dark cell



Can you hear them?

The voices of the lost

Crying out to be heard

Can you hear those above

Those in the light

Desperately calling your name

Can you hear it?



So far from light

Have you fallen

Deep into the shadows

In endless pits

And into the dark

You shall remain

For your soul has already

Given up hope

Blocked the entrance to the heart

And crawled to the corner

Afraid to face the world

Afraid to see what you could become



Can you see?

The light high above

Or have you blocked your eyes as well

Are you scared to be saved?

Scared to live again

To feel

To trust others not to hurt you again

To love…once again?

This is the Life of the Pained

open wounds, abandoned rooms

stained eyes, life full of lies

this is the life of the pained

 

deceitful minds, empty rhymes

scarred hands, barren lands

broken heart, a life that wont start

this is the life of the pained

 

painted pieces, vacant spaces

jagged edges, bloodied "trenches"

doubtful souls, burial holes

dead to all, a world too small

this is the life of the pained

 

broken edges, shattered remains

mirrored reflections into lives of pain

Need

I can't escape
this need of mine
lurking deep within
the soul I hide

it holds me tight
binding me day & night
with a strength
i cannot fight

the pain
like a blanket, it covers my life
the hate
fills my vision
the anger
lurks within the shadows
waiting for a chance to be unleashed
the abandonment
lies in wait in the dark of the night
preying on the fond memories
and happy thoughts

i embrace it all
as if i couldn't live without
i embrace
because i cannot face
the life before me

without it
i am not me
i need it
to feel
to be me
to keep the terrors of the dark at bay
to keep my sanity
i need
because without it
i cannot be

I'm tied to it, this need of mine. I cannot escape this need of mine. Without it, I simply wouldn't be me. I can't live without this need, I just can't. Without it, I cannot live. Its me. Its all I know. I NEED to feel the pain, I NEED to feel abandoned and alone. I need it because I feel like without it, I'm not me anymore. That when its gone, the real me is gone. I NEED the scars on my hands, I NEED them to stay. I can't live without them. If they fade, I'll simply make more. I desperately need them, I need them to remind me. To remind me of the pain, to remind me of the hate, the anger, the abandonment. I don't know how to live without my need. I've never had the chance to, I don't know how to. all I know is this. I NEED this.

No one understands how badly I NEED this pain. This hate, in my life. I need something, something to channel all the frustration, anger, and resentment into. I NEED this to make me feel like me. I'm terrified to know, what I'd be like, had these things been taken from my life. Would I be me? Would I be here? I'm addicted to it, I don't just WANT it. I NEED it. Its my addiction. I can't live without it. I don't care how dangerous it is. How deadly it can be. All I know is that without it, I'm simply not me. Everyone has their own addiction. Mine is simply pain. I can't live without pain. I need the pain. Any form of pain is fine. When the emotional, spiritual pain is absent. I resort to new more physical methods. I NEED the scars, they make me feel the pain I'm so terribly addicted to. The pain I feel, as I stare at them is an emotional pain. But for now, it is enough to keep me from the physical. I'm addicted. I'm an Addict. I NEED it. I have to have it. I can't live without it....

Desperation

I sit 

my heart pounding;

and stare

the paths before me

empty and bare

chose one

a voice whispers

just one

thats all it takes

promises of a bright future await

Thats where I sit tonight, staring down the empty paths before me. Trying to figure out which one's meant for me. Two large branches lay before me, each with their own side streets. Choose one, and then another one...that's all it really takes. It should be so easy, so very easy. But its not, it never has been. How am I ever supposed to choose? 

The paths...they are like two opposites, two things I'm forced to choose between. Everyone thinks it should be easy, so easy. After all a good Christian kid like me, there's really only one option right? A christian school and a life pursuing God. but that's my problem, because its what everyone expects, I just can't force myself to do it. I'm tried of being the person everyone expects me to be, people like that are simply ignored. No one bothers to pay attention to someone who never changes, who's always the same and totally predictable. Why bother, they are the same all the time right? Well not anymore, I dont want to be that way. After being ignored forever, I'm just wanting a little attention. To feel like I belong, like people actually care. And that's why this choosing is so dang hard. 

Do I go with what's right, what the proper thing would be to do? Or do I take a slightly alternative route, going with what I desire.

I'm desperate. I don't know where to turn. I'm stuck, staring at these paths feeling all alone. My hearts beating fast, it knows the time is soon. Soon, too soon, I'll have to choose. Why can't I just wait? Isn't there some short cut, a mid-way mark? Why do I have to choose now? My times almost up, I've got nowhere to turn. Left? Right? Straight? Wait? What do I do? I'm desperate for an answer! I'm dying for a little light, I can't see the next step. What is it? How far do I go? Is there any going back? What if I mess up? Can I turn back? How am I ever going to do this? Will I survive? Will I ever make it through this? GAH! Why won't someone just tell me, I'm dying here! I'm DESPERATE FOR AN ANSWER! 

Help....

I read the bible,

     to no avail

i reveal my secrets,

     to no one in particular

i try to hide from God,

    only to fail

I push him away

    just to watch myself succeed

I keep friends out

    and find myself alone

i lock the doors of my soul

    just to watch my life fall apart

i throw away the key

     only to go searching

i find my spirits failing

     and don't know what to do

I'm lost

     but have no guide

I'm trapped

     and can't see the door

Help.....

     I'm stuck with no way out

Where has it gone?

Where did it go? 

Why has it gone? 

How come I can't find it anymore? 

My Inspiration...

its...fled

I search, high and low 

Day and Night I search

But to no avail

Its gone

I know that now

But why, I can't seem to figure out

Why can't I...

Write the way I used to

Why can't I...

think the way I used to

Why can't I...

dream the way I used to

My life is gone

Its passed me by

I sit and stare

Waving as it pulls away

As if I no longer care

Its a lie

Its all a lie

Its always been a lie

Yet no one can see

No one believes

They can't see as clearly

They can't understand

That its not true

It never has been

I care

I swear

I do! 

Why can't anyone else see that!

Its as if 

the words I type

are invisible to all but me

as if no one else can see

the truth hidden within me

Alone Tonight

I'm alone tonight

can't anyone hear

the tears falling from my eyes

the breaking of my heart

as my world falls apart

I'm alone tonight

can't anyone see

the tear stained pages that lay before me

the shattered remains of my life

the pain hidden behind my eyes

can't anyone see

that i'm dying here tonight

My mind can't comprehend

the pain that hides within my memories

the pain i'm running from

it can't understand

where the pain comes from

or why i run from it so

it can't comprehend

even the simplest thought

I'm alone tonight

because no one else cares

they don't try

and those that do

i push away

i'm alone tonight

because i can't accept it

i can't believe

that someone would care

especially when

i dont even care

when my life is so far gone

that i'm ready to give up

to stop fighting so dang hard

to give up and let my life

simply fall away

i'm alone tonight

because i can't understand

the thoughts that float through my head

and if i can't understand

then there is no reason

why anyone should...

or would...

be able to

Cannot Escape

 Cannot Escape

Memories torture my mind

As I battle to forget

The pain wells up inside

Overflowing into my daily life

Why can’t i

Just leave it all behind

I cannot escape

Sleep fills my head with dread

Day light keeps me wondering why

I’m left with no escape

My heart turns to rock

As I try to forget

I push others out

To scared to get hurt again

So much pain, so much hurt

My life could be made of stone

Like ancient remenants of the past

I cannot run fast enough

To escape the pain that pursues me

The memories that chase me

Problems I’m too scared to face

Invade my life

Overthrowing the small remains

Of the old me

I just can’t run fast enough

Pull me to the ground

Rip out my soul

Take away the pain

I don’t want to hurt anymore

For this is one battle

That I will never win

My mind is too far gone

There is no more

Coming back

Forget it

Cause I am done

What’s the point

In trying to smile

Trying to hide

All that pain inside

No one will notice

They never do

So let it all out

Stop trying so dang hard

Fore you can’t win

Not this time

Not anymore

I cannot escape

Nightmares torture me day and night

Worry fills my soul

Every breath I take

Seems like a waste

What’s the point

I cannot escape

The lights already passed

And the tunnel is dark

No way out

Cause the way is blocked

By these dark memories

I cannot escape

Who is that girl?

Who is that girl? The one that insists that she's fine, but is really dying inside? The one that pushes everyone else away, afraid that if they get too close then they'll see the strings that hold her life together.

Who is that girl? That cries herself to sleep at night. That's struggling to do what's right. Not to cry. Not to run away from her wretched life? Who is she? The one that's lost, who's alone, who's fighting to live another day? Who is she? And why does she hide so?

Who is that girl? That stares you in the eyes, and lies. Who's hiding behind a mask. Who only wants you to ask. "Who is that girl?"

Who is that girl? The one that's trying to forget. To escape from the pains of yesterday. Who is she? The one that's running from the past. The one that lies to your face. The one that can't explain. The one that's always running away. Who is she? The girl with the pain filled eyes. The pathetic pile of lies.

Who is that girl? The one that wanders along the border of fine. The one that dips her toes in depression. The one that plays with "fire". The one that claws at her arms. The one that wants to go blind. The one that wants to forget it all. The one that enjoys the pain? The one that hurts. The one that wants to hurt. The one that longs to hurt. The one that hurts to escape the memories.

Who is that girl? The jumpy one, who's always wanting to run. Who itches for escape. Longs for freedom. Dreams of a new beginning....who is trapped by the past.

Who is that girl? Who's life is falling apart. Who begs for another start. Who is she?



She is me.

A Brother

My older brother Josh is leaving for the army on Sunday...August 16th. That's two days away. A while back I was sitting on my bunk at camp. It was late and I had recently talked with Josh, whom I hardly got to talk to/see since we were both working all summer and I was living at camp. I pulled out my notebook and decided that I wanted to write him a poem for when he left. I started writing and at first it was kind of depressing and sad...but that was how I was feeling at the time. But as I progressed through the poem, it took up three pages, it began to change. My feelings towards him exploded onto the page. My hand couldn't keep up with the words as they flew through my brain .... sentance after sentance I wrote. And the more I wrote the more real it began to get. Before I knew it I was crying. Crying because I loved my brother more than I could ever express and crying because I knew he would be leaving...and that we would never again be as close physically as we were then. For he was moving out...for good. Below is the poem, along with some pictures I took of him and Jess a while back.

"I woke up one day

from the ignorant life I had led

I realized that you don't always get what you want

that you can't control

others behaviors

that sooner or later

they

will leave"

"I woke up and realized

that I had taken advantage

of what was kindly given to me

how I had ignored

the best thing i had

how I had teased and laughed at

the one who truly cared"

"Reality hit...

it shattered me to a million pieces

broke apart my soul

as i longed for another chance...

a few more days, hours

one more minute

and i'd be glad

for I had ignored for so long

the only older brother I had"

"now I regret

the choices i've made

as I look back and see

all the times he stood up for me

and all the times....

i made fun of him"

"I couldn't see

how much he cared for me

how he'd die----to keep me safe

how he only wanted

what was best ---for me"

"he was always there....always

yet i didnt' seem to care

but now i do

he was and still is the best brother

one who is willing ot put his life on the line...

just for me."

"he understood my mixed emotions

and broken heart

he felt the pain i carried each day

he always knew

somehow he knew

that i was not okay

and he'd hug me

kiss my forehead

hold me in his arms and tell me "i love you"

he was just what i needed

right when I needed it

and when tears would pour from my eyes

he'd FIND me

and hold me tight

and tell me everything would be alright

he's MY brother

my beloved brother

and words cannot express the love I have for him."

Josh and Jess (October 2008)