Under Construction

Tonight a complete stranger took one look at me and said "You're a writer aren't you? You stand there quietly, taking everything in. You don't say much do you? But I bet you've got a lot to say. I can't wait to read your book"

Honestly, I didn't know how to respond. I kind of blushed a little, acted quite surprised by this and hurried on with my roomies. I mean, how do you respond to something like that? I don't know the guy, sure my roomie did but I don't. He graduated from my college and all, but that was quite a long time ago. Or at least, it sure seems like it.

I know I do have a lot to say, a lot I want to get out. I know that writing has always been my thing and that I could help people. That I could word things in such a way that it would just you know, click. But I don't know how to start. How does one start writing such a thing? I opened a word document but the blankness, the empty white space before me. How do I even begin to fill such a thing? How can I change the course of someone's life, change their thoughts, their ideas, their values when I myself am still under construction?

I know for a fact that I have a lot of work that needs doing, lots of projects in the works, and several areas of my life that are still blocked off by police tape--things that seriously need investigating. This isn't easy, I mean people think that going to a Bible college would mean everything's sunshine and rainbows when it comes to relationships with God. But it's not. In fact, it's probably harder than other things just because you are constantly under attack--spiritually. I've had some rough spots these past few months, this blog holds the proof.

Speaking of which, why did I even get on this thing? To see what it is I have written to begin with. To see where I've come from, to see where I'm headed.

Crap--Carter's falling asleep on my floor. Poor guy is exhausted. Just got back from Nigeria this afternoon. Praise the Lord, he's finally found his own calling. PTL--he's finally back home, safe and sound.

Creative Juices

I've always had problems getting my creative juices flowing when I have no desirable form of inspiration. I mean, my brain can only do so much here. So, that's where pictures come in. Since I mainly write fantasy I tend to look up fantasy landscapes and wallpapers or just pictures that would seem impossible. They get my mind working and I try to figure out what my character would do if they were in a place like that. So, without further ado (I hate that phrase-whoever came up with it anyway, it sounds so lame) here  are my pictures of inspiration to get the creative juices flowing.

Who am I kidding?

I dont know what I'm doing. Who am I kidding? I have no idea how to write, how to put words on paper. I dont know the grammar rules, I don't know how to structure something, my plots fall apart, my characters are flat. So really...who am I kidding?

No one. No one's falling for this pathetic lie, except me that is. I'm still clinging to the belief that this isn't a lie, that this isn't another flop another thing I pretended I knew how to do. But in all honesty, it probably is. I'm not kidding anyone here. All it takes is 5 seconds reading my WIP and you'll see. You'll see how terribly I fail at writing. The words sit awkwardly on the pages, the characters scream for a chance to do something other than sit there and have pointless conversations with each other...if they are even lucky enough to get that...So really. Who am I kidding? Wait, I've already answered this question. But just for kicks, I'll answer again. NO ONE.

*Sigh* Sometimes I wonder what the point is? Why do I even bother to try. Everything I've ever done has failed. From School to friends to writing to photography to work to taking care of myself. It's all failed...and it will all fail again. That "word" really is sitting there, looming in the horizon just waiting for me, its prey, to draw near. Do I run? Nah, I'm too stubborn to run. No, instead I'll sit here and stare at it a little bit longer. I'll ponder why it's here and whether or not I can force it to leave. (Which it won't). So what will I do...I'll walk right up to it and let it take over my life.

*Sigh* What's happened to me?

This is the Life of the Pained

open wounds, abandoned rooms

stained eyes, life full of lies

this is the life of the pained

 

deceitful minds, empty rhymes

scarred hands, barren lands

broken heart, a life that wont start

this is the life of the pained

 

painted pieces, vacant spaces

jagged edges, bloodied "trenches"

doubtful souls, burial holes

dead to all, a world too small

this is the life of the pained

 

broken edges, shattered remains

mirrored reflections into lives of pain

Writing and Me

Its overwhelming, really it is. I'm sitting here for the third day in a row attempting to think of a workable writing pen name...one that would work for a potential website and a new blog. I really don't want to post THIS blog, I don't want everyone seeing into the chaos I house within my soul, but at times i really feel like I need to. I'm beginning to wonder if I should leave this blog the way it is, or if I should transform it into something different. Something more about me and my writings. I really feel like I need something for my writing, but as I type this out I begin to think that I should just make another one.

Thats where the frustration comes in. What on EARTH do I call it? How do I even begin to attract potential followers, what will I talk about, and all that good stuff. I'm so lost on this, every other aspect about writing I've pretty much thought about, researched, and figured out. This...I have no idea. I never thought about the possibility that the name I use on my books wouldn't be available for blogs and websites. I never even went there, I simply focused on the actual writing. Now, now I don't know.

Writing is frustrating. It really is. I just wish it was simpler.

Notebook of Failure

A Notebook. A simple, spiral bound, notebook. Filled, to the brim, with failure. Words, scattered across the pages, depicting the major failure of my life. Words, all they are...are words. Words that describe me in the failure of my life. At my weakest moment. Words that ARE me when I'm sulking at the bottom of my pit. The pit I created, out of self pity. The pit in which I spend a good deal of my time. The same pit, that I've attempted to escape time after time. The pit that I've grown too fond of over the past year or so. The pit, that holds me captive.

Writing/Publishing

I've got to write. I just have to. If I don't have a method for writing before me, especially when I get the itch to write, then I'll like...die. I can't live without writing. Its my life. I LIVE to write. Everything I enjoy is somehow connected to writing. This blog, its writing. Journals are writing. Reading, is so I can write better. Research, so I can write better. Conversations, about writing. Everything is writing this and writing that. I can't live without writing.

Now that I have finished my writing rant time to move on to other things. For example the 800 page novel I have hiding away on my laptop and now my email. :) As well as the many other novels that I have started and are also hiding away, probably never to be heard of or read by anyone. Save for Syra that is. :) Also, I just got back from a Women's Writing Workshop. Talk about amazing, so many things to learn so many interesting things to do now. I'm just dying right now to sit down and write and write and write. I can't even finish this blog properly because I'm just dying to write, to edit my novel and to get stuff ready to actually send off to the publishers. I've learned so much about publishing, and I've got a novel that might actually be able to be published. So, why not go for it? I'm hoping to publish a novel before or during my 19th birth...um...year. :)

Writing & Editing

Lately I've been obsessed with writing. Thankfully this is actually a good hobby for me as I NEED to write. I need it to escape my mind, to disappear into a world that I weave right before my very eyes. I need this, because without...well, I don't like to think about what happens without it. You probably already know the answer to that one and if not. Here's a hint. I haven't written much in the past 4+ months. So if you've read my blog, then you know what's happened in those months.

All I've done since putting together my new Desk is sit at my desk and type. Type about anything, but mostly type out the novel that is rapidly spinning through my head. I have several "novels" going through my head at any given moment. Lately there have been 3 major ones. 2 of them are ones I wish I could publish, and HOPE to publish and the third is a dream-story. Its a story that's developed while I was sleeping, the dreams are all connected. With the same characters, locations, desires, etc. Its all the same. I have written down the 3 current dreams I've had about this particular story and the other 2. Well one's still in the process of being "processed" by my brain while the other needs to be finished and edited. Which is what I've been attempting to do these past 2 days. I really am pretty excited about it, and since I'm excited it takes my mind off of other things. Which is exactly what I've needed for a long time now.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I failed. I really did. My hand still burns/itches and its QUITE visible. But really, only part of me regrets it. Sure it hurts and sure its stupid and dumb and careless. But the other part of me is glad that its there. It reminds me of what's happened and reminds me of how far I've sunk in the past. Certainly the argument "well shouldn't the others have done that?" will come up as this one is at least 1-2 months newer than the older ones. (Which have healed surprising well and are even beginning to fade AMAZING!) I'm on the climb again, thanks mostly to my greatly increased grades and my sudden enthusiasm for writing once again. I just don't feel like me when I'm not writing. Especially when I WANT to write, and just can't find the enthusiasm that I so desperately want. Oh how great it feels to be writing & reading again. I haven't read much lately either and now that I am I've found how much I've missed it---and how greatly it helps with my writing. :) And now I'm a bit too excited about writing to continue this post. I must go and continue my writing and editing.