MIA

Something's missing. Somehow, somewhere along the way I lost it. I blocked it off, that part of my mind. Those memories, they've disappeared. Locked away in some remote part of my brain, somewhere inaccessible  Collecting dust, never to see the light again.

One Word.

Emotionless. 

Patience

One thing my generation is lacking, is patience. We want everything immediately. And if we don't already have it in our hands by the time we think of it, we get frustrated. I'm guilty of it too. I've heard some of the older folk talking about how we got this way. They blame the technology, and if you think about it. They're right. Microwaves give us food in minutes that would normally take 5-10x as long-or longer. Phones allow us instant contact with our loved ones. The Internet gives us the ability to find information almost instantly. Honestly, it's sad. Especially when patience becomes a forgotten virtue.

Desires of My Heart

I thought I had to give up all my dreams to follow your plan God. But I was wrong, you want me to have dreams. That’s what that message was all about. “I have a dream” But that’s my problem right now. I gave up all my dreams and sit here empty handed. So God, here’s my dream. A lifelong dream, something I will hold onto for years to come. Not only do I dream of following after you and helping people into your kingdom. That’s obviously the top dream of mine. But Lord, you want me to have my own dream. My own personal dream. So Lord, here it is. I dream of writing books. Yes Lord that’s it. I dream of writing books and  reaching people….

Confirmation ?

Confirmation, where do I get it? How can I get it? How do I know, for sure, that this is what he's telling me? I think he's saying one thing, but then I don't know for sure if it's just me or not. Like, is this just a physical desire and not something sent from God? How am I to know?

Into the Field

That's what I'm wanting, to go out into the field. Am I ready? Now that's something else entirely. All I know is that I want to go. I've been wanting to do this for years, since I went to Mexico back in 2007. My only problem is that I've never been ready. Now, its not only me saying "I'm not ready" My own mother has said the same thing "You're not ready yet, give it some time." People are worried that I'll get there and then freak out because of the stuff I'm seeing. But that still doesn't keep me from wanting to go. I can't help it, the desire is there. The urge is there. I've begged God to just send me. But...it's not the right time.

Unexplainable Happiness

Something's moving, something's changing. See his glory. Feels like Heaven on Earth. 

Yes I did sing the above over and over again for nearly an hour. As well as sang "Blessed Be Your Name" Man, I don't know what's going on here! I'm so happy, it's just unexplainable! I made my usual video for Alana and she just laughed and told me "Hon, that unexplainable happiness is the holy spirit" Or you know, something along those lines. :) I'm so hyped up I can't even think straight. All I know is that my body is moving along with this song and I'm just....going crazy. 

I've never been like this and DANG! I'm just enjoying it over here! 

I can't stop moving. I can't stop singing. This is just me. And I'm loving it. 

Not Yet

"Not yet" How many times have I heard those words these past few years? Too many. Most people I know are hesitant about jumping into things like this. But me, I'm excited. So excited I can hardly sit still and often miss God's voice telling me to cool down. Slow down. Wait. Be patient. That's the thing, I don't want to wait. I don't want to be patient. I want to go, NOW!

Deciphering Dreams

The other day I had a dream, why I had this dream I don't know. I used to remember more about the dream, but since I never wrote it down it's somehow managed to vanish. All I remember now is that I was running. Running away from this guy that I "loved" I didn't want him to find me and I was trying my best to hide.

What She Doesn't Know

I was going to write out this elaborate post on my Partner in Crime and who she was/is. But then I decided that that was pretty cliche and a little too cheesy for my liking. So instead I'm writing this. A bunch of random words that don't exactly make any sense. But then again, if I were to start writing how we truly act around each other, it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else either. So, which do I pick? Something that makes sense to one person and no one else? Or something that makes sense to no one?

Cleaning out the Junk Drawer

Anyone heard of stumbleupon? Well I have. Obviously. Someone introduced me to it sometime during my junior year of high school and lately, I can't stop stumbling. I bookmark page after page, adding to my already gianormous pile of bookmarks. Then, to make matters worse, I favorite the pages. Meaning they also end up in my stumbleupon favorite pile. Now I have two piles and sometimes one item happens to appear in both. Make any sense?

Oh and my other problem is that some of the pages I tried to save no longer exist, or I no longer find it useful to me. Plus, finding something I do want to find is nearly impossible as I have no organization whatsoever.

Okay that's a lie, I have it. It's just so complex that I don't bother to use it. Cause you know, I'm a lazy applesauce :)

So that's what I'm up to today, and yesterday, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and after that and probably into next week as well. 'Cause that's just how many freaking pages I have to sort through. I thought I was making progress because I deleted two folders of bookmarks. They only had about 10 each. I still have hundreds that aren't even in a freaking folder! AH!

I guess that's what I get for tagging everything I thought might possibly be useful sometime in the future. I have things on hiking, cooking, baking, fashion, travel, interior design, and the list goes on. When on earth am I ever going to get around to all of this?

Now that my friend, is the million dollar question. Oh and care to know what I've been up to instead of doing what I just told you I was doing?


I'm coloring.


Oh yeah, you know you're jealous :)

Scattered Thoughts

Sista and I sat outside tonight talking, just talking. It was nice. Who cares if it's you know 2am, it was still nice. We talked about, well everything. Things about "Dad", to L and J to school to emotions to depression to cutting to suicidal behaviors to deployment to whatever else came to our minds. I don't have any real sisters to talk to about those things, so I'm SO glad that J married someone that I could actually talk to. These past few days with them here has been wonderful. I've missed them like crazy, yet at the same time I'm kind of glad that they're gone/leaving. It's nice to be able to explore the world on my own. I may be completely broke and a poor, jobless college student. But hey, at least I'm giving life a go, right?

There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....

Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?

That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"

That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.

That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?

Emotionless

I did it. I went and saw him, face to face, and told him. Apparently it means a lot to him. Apparently J hasn't even told him that. So why did I do it again? Good question. I'm starting to wonder that myself.

No wait, it's because I had to. It was just something I had to do, something I needed to do before I could move on with my life. I'm still not ready for him to jump back in, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. But hey, at least I went, saw him, and told him face to face. At least I wasn't a freaking coward and did it through a dumb applesauce letter. Like the jerk did so many years ago when he just up and disappeared in the middle of the night.

.....obviously I'm still not pleased with him. Obviously I'm still hurt and upset. But that's something different. It's a start at least. Forgiveness isn't something that happens overnight. But to be honest, over the past few months things have started to ease up a bit. I know it takes time, and that eventually I will be able to think of him and what he did without feeling so...hurt.

Before I went, everyone kept asking me how I was doing, how I was feeling. And now that it's over I'm getting asked again. But to be honest, I'm kind of emotionless about the whole thing. I don't really have any feelings towards, anything. I didn't have any expectations going into it. And it didn't matter anyway, everything was just blah. I don't know why I'm so emotionless about this whole thing. I don't know why I don't have any feelings toward this. Towards him. Towards anything related to this whole experience. I simply don't. None whatsoever.

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if something's wrong with me.

Peace?

Here I am begging you

pleading with every part of my soul

not to leave, not to desert me

Not now, not ever

please oh please, don't you ever

abandon me again

my heart can't bare it

my soul can't take it

not again, please, not again

I'm not quite sure where that came from exactly. I kind of just started writing. I don't know whether that has anything to do with my so called "dad" but....whatever. It's there. I wrote it. Perhaps its just part of me that is terrified to open up again. Afraid that if I do then someone might wander in and tear the place apart. I don't know if I could live through that again. Once I finally figured out what was going on in my life, it seemed like things only got worse. That's when the whole, "cutting" thingy begin. I have pictures for proof you know. So if you ever want to see them, then just click on the label "scars" they should be in there. 

See, things are starting to look up for me. I'm finally in a place where I know I'm meant to be. Where things can't possibly be so bad. Yet, at the same time something just doesn't feel right. I'm hoping that after I deal with the "dad" thing, that things will finally fall back into place and that I'll be at peace once again. 

Honestly, I don't know what "peace" feels like. So if I don't know, then how will I know when it finally hits me? 

100% Me

Why do I do this? Because part of me wants someone to know what's going on inside my head. When the rest of me is screaming DON'T DO IT! It's then calmly assured that no one is ever going to read this. One, because they have to be invited and 2 because no one even remembers that this thing is here. I guess it's just the fact that there is that slight risk, the slight chance that someone might read it that makes me want to keep it up here.

It's odd, how a blog that no one reads can have such an affect on me. This blog has documented some of my hardest times, feelings and emotions that even my journal hasn't seen. It's where I can be completely real with both myself and the world on what's going on. Without the risk that my Mom might pick up my journal and start reading what's really going on with me. Of course that can't happen anyways. She's some 700+ miles away, but you get the idea. It's just some place where I can be completely real with myself. Where I can be completely honest. 100% me. Maybe someday, I'll take pieces of this blog and shove it into a novel. Who knows?

The only thing that I do know is that this blog, no matter how old and run down it's looking, has affected me in a tremendous way. It was and still is my outlet, a way for me to express myself without worry of how those thoughts might affect other people. And even though the posting has been sporadic, this blog has never been removed from the blogsphere.

It's Happening

My brother J and his wife come up in a few days. Tuesday to be exact. Then on Wednesday we're driving over to my Aunt's house where we will meet up with the man who doesn't deserve the honor of being my "father". I'm supposed to tell him that I forgive him. And I do, its just that....I'm not ready for this. For the past 10 years I've gone without any form of contact with the...man. And I'm not exactly ready to start again now. In fact, I don't even want to do this. But I know that I have to, I know that if I don't do this then...well, actually I don't know what will happen. I just know that this is something I have to do. But, that doesn't mean it makes doing it any easier. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the drive there, the conversation, how I'll bring it up. Honestly, if I had my way I would go up to his house, knock on his door and tell him then and there that I forgive him. Then I would walk away, get in a car and drive home. Sadly, this isn't how it's going to go down.

GAH! I'm so not ready for this. I know I need to...well, prepare somehow. But I just don't want to. I'm still hoping that I can just back out of this whole thing and pretend it's never going to happen. But, that's not the truth. The truth is it is happening, and that I need to do this. Although, it's more something I need to do on my own. Not with my brother and his wife, but by myself. However at the same time, I want them there. 

Sigh. I'm just one big walking contradiction. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready for what's going down next Wednesday night....