Time.
It's passing me by, faster than I would like. I look back on my life, on the years I've spent and what memories do I have? I've always waited until I was older, more mature to start having fun. What I didn't realize was that my life was wasting away. I live my life without any form of true fun, I have no memories to look back on and laugh about. Where did my childhood go, where did the fun and excitement, the carefree, reckless teenage years...where did they disappear to?
Now, now I'm all...adultish. I'm responsible and mature, not because I choose to be. But because I have to be. I can't just blow 40 bucks at the mall, I have to save it for tuition and rent. I can't just eat out everyday after school, I need to budget that money to help pay my way home for Thanksgiving. I have to get up and force myself to go to school and to work because...well heck, I'm PAYING for this school, why skip it? And I have to go to work because I need the money. I wish I could go to work because I enjoyed it, but alas---i'm not there yet. I know someday I will be, but that's not yet.
Sigh. Everything's not yet. That's all I've told myself since I was a kid "Not yet" and now. Now I look back and I feel like I've wasted my life away.
Being an adult isn't any fun. And to think, I was excited about coming down here and being an adult. Apparently, I didn't know what I had when I had it. How many people can say the same? Probably too many.
Showing posts with label Reality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reality. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
TIC
This is College
I've gone through so many odd, weird, interesting, different things lately that it's almost become common. When things go as planned, now that's just weird. That's something that NEEDS to be discussed. But what I now consider normal, common, typical-those are the things people want to hear about. Cause while it's normal for me, it's not for them. So what has happened that needs to be shared?
I met Edward Cullen. In real life-his name is Jake. How ironic is that?
I learned that Carter has a very low tolerance for drugs :)
I learned that skipping class results in low grades.
I figured out that if you don't emerge from your apartment in more than 36 hours-then you're a hermit by default.
I've been called "baby" by old men in hotel rooms.
I've been stuck at work at the end of the day, with no ride home.
I've ruined surprise birthday gifts.
I've gone to Walmart alone at midnight for toilet paper.
I've been approached by an old man in a Walmart parking lot for gas money.
I lost $20 in tip money-I don't know how. I totally cried all the way home after that, frustrated and confused.
I've laid in bed sobbing.
I've stared at a picture of my "nieces" for hours, trying to not cry.
I stood at the head of the tub, and used the shower head to spray it down.
I wanted to cut my feet off to stop the pain after spending an entire day standing at work.
I fell on my bed, in my work clothes, and passed out in a second.
I spent 2.5 hours reading a tiny 50 page book on the 3 fold nature of man.
I have peed in the bathroom while my roommates were in there. They're trying to break me in.
I shared my poetry with my roommate.
I danced and sang praises to God after an amazing night at church.
I watched as God moved in my roommate's lives.
I sat on the kitchen floor for 2 hours when my roommates fought with each other in the living room. this was my 2nd day at school.
I have been body slammed in my bed twice by a roommate.
I have taught myself how to cook via Google.
I learned that my roommates don't know to survive without a microwave.
I learned that sharing food isn't always a good idea.
I learned that if you don't do dishes they pile up.
I learned that said dishes attract bugs.
I learned that if you leave a damp towel on the counter top for a long time-said bugs will mate underneath it.
I finally understand how my family felt about the litter box.
I finally appreciate my little brother.
I was pranked my cousin and his roommates-they called and told me a murderer was on the loose and knocking on random people's doors. Said guys-then came and knocked on my door all creepily like.
I took a shower at the gym because ours was broken.
I have a friend who likes to pretend his Moses and leading his people out of exile/exhalation. Once free of the mass of people trying to exit, we then promptly complain. :)
I have 13 books due by November 10th, I've read one.
I ran to walmart at midnight for ice cream and cookie dough.
I went to an expensive hair cutting salon and was pampered for the day.
I've rolled hundreds of silverware for work.
I watched as one of the kittens popped on of my roommates faces.
I played hide and seek in the park at 2am.
I colored princesses and fish just for the fun of it.
I made breakfast for my roommates' birthday.
I have yet to be late for work.
I took off one of my socks because it matched the other one. I physically could not live with myself for wearing it.
I walked to Wendy's with a group of people at 2am because we were hungry.
Yep, this is College.
I've gone through so many odd, weird, interesting, different things lately that it's almost become common. When things go as planned, now that's just weird. That's something that NEEDS to be discussed. But what I now consider normal, common, typical-those are the things people want to hear about. Cause while it's normal for me, it's not for them. So what has happened that needs to be shared?
I met Edward Cullen. In real life-his name is Jake. How ironic is that?
I learned that Carter has a very low tolerance for drugs :)
I learned that skipping class results in low grades.
I figured out that if you don't emerge from your apartment in more than 36 hours-then you're a hermit by default.
I've been called "baby" by old men in hotel rooms.
I've been stuck at work at the end of the day, with no ride home.
I've ruined surprise birthday gifts.
I've gone to Walmart alone at midnight for toilet paper.
I've been approached by an old man in a Walmart parking lot for gas money.
I lost $20 in tip money-I don't know how. I totally cried all the way home after that, frustrated and confused.
I've laid in bed sobbing.
I've stared at a picture of my "nieces" for hours, trying to not cry.
I stood at the head of the tub, and used the shower head to spray it down.
I wanted to cut my feet off to stop the pain after spending an entire day standing at work.
I fell on my bed, in my work clothes, and passed out in a second.
I spent 2.5 hours reading a tiny 50 page book on the 3 fold nature of man.
I have peed in the bathroom while my roommates were in there. They're trying to break me in.
I shared my poetry with my roommate.
I danced and sang praises to God after an amazing night at church.
I watched as God moved in my roommate's lives.
I sat on the kitchen floor for 2 hours when my roommates fought with each other in the living room. this was my 2nd day at school.
I have been body slammed in my bed twice by a roommate.
I have taught myself how to cook via Google.
I learned that my roommates don't know to survive without a microwave.
I learned that sharing food isn't always a good idea.
I learned that if you don't do dishes they pile up.
I learned that said dishes attract bugs.
I learned that if you leave a damp towel on the counter top for a long time-said bugs will mate underneath it.
I finally understand how my family felt about the litter box.
I finally appreciate my little brother.
I was pranked my cousin and his roommates-they called and told me a murderer was on the loose and knocking on random people's doors. Said guys-then came and knocked on my door all creepily like.
I took a shower at the gym because ours was broken.
I have a friend who likes to pretend his Moses and leading his people out of exile/exhalation. Once free of the mass of people trying to exit, we then promptly complain. :)
I have 13 books due by November 10th, I've read one.
I ran to walmart at midnight for ice cream and cookie dough.
I went to an expensive hair cutting salon and was pampered for the day.
I've rolled hundreds of silverware for work.
I watched as one of the kittens popped on of my roommates faces.
I played hide and seek in the park at 2am.
I colored princesses and fish just for the fun of it.
I made breakfast for my roommates' birthday.
I have yet to be late for work.
I took off one of my socks because it matched the other one. I physically could not live with myself for wearing it.
I walked to Wendy's with a group of people at 2am because we were hungry.
Yep, this is College.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
To Camp or Not to Camp?
Before you start yelling at me for using that line incorrectly, please know that I have taken Shakespeare and that I do know the true meaning of the "To be or not to be?" quote. I do in fact know that he is talking about life and death. However, if you do not know that-they please don't use that line in any shape or form. It's just rude. I however, am a writer. Therefore, I have the privilege of playing with words however I like.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Trapped Within
(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)
It's passing me by, and I'm spiraling down.
Away from all this, into a false reality.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
What She Doesn't Know
I was going to write out this elaborate post on my Partner in Crime and who she was/is. But then I decided that that was pretty cliche and a little too cheesy for my liking. So instead I'm writing this. A bunch of random words that don't exactly make any sense. But then again, if I were to start writing how we truly act around each other, it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else either. So, which do I pick? Something that makes sense to one person and no one else? Or something that makes sense to no one?
Friday, September 9, 2011
Scattered Thoughts
Sista and I sat outside tonight talking, just talking. It was nice. Who cares if it's you know 2am, it was still nice. We talked about, well everything. Things about "Dad", to L and J to school to emotions to depression to cutting to suicidal behaviors to deployment to whatever else came to our minds. I don't have any real sisters to talk to about those things, so I'm SO glad that J married someone that I could actually talk to. These past few days with them here has been wonderful. I've missed them like crazy, yet at the same time I'm kind of glad that they're gone/leaving. It's nice to be able to explore the world on my own. I may be completely broke and a poor, jobless college student. But hey, at least I'm giving life a go, right?
There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....
Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?
That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"
That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.
That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?
There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....
Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?
That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"
That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.
That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
100% Me
Why do I do this? Because part of me wants someone to know what's going on inside my head. When the rest of me is screaming DON'T DO IT! It's then calmly assured that no one is ever going to read this. One, because they have to be invited and 2 because no one even remembers that this thing is here. I guess it's just the fact that there is that slight risk, the slight chance that someone might read it that makes me want to keep it up here.
It's odd, how a blog that no one reads can have such an affect on me. This blog has documented some of my hardest times, feelings and emotions that even my journal hasn't seen. It's where I can be completely real with both myself and the world on what's going on. Without the risk that my Mom might pick up my journal and start reading what's really going on with me. Of course that can't happen anyways. She's some 700+ miles away, but you get the idea. It's just some place where I can be completely real with myself. Where I can be completely honest. 100% me. Maybe someday, I'll take pieces of this blog and shove it into a novel. Who knows?
The only thing that I do know is that this blog, no matter how old and run down it's looking, has affected me in a tremendous way. It was and still is my outlet, a way for me to express myself without worry of how those thoughts might affect other people. And even though the posting has been sporadic, this blog has never been removed from the blogsphere.
It's odd, how a blog that no one reads can have such an affect on me. This blog has documented some of my hardest times, feelings and emotions that even my journal hasn't seen. It's where I can be completely real with both myself and the world on what's going on. Without the risk that my Mom might pick up my journal and start reading what's really going on with me. Of course that can't happen anyways. She's some 700+ miles away, but you get the idea. It's just some place where I can be completely real with myself. Where I can be completely honest. 100% me. Maybe someday, I'll take pieces of this blog and shove it into a novel. Who knows?
The only thing that I do know is that this blog, no matter how old and run down it's looking, has affected me in a tremendous way. It was and still is my outlet, a way for me to express myself without worry of how those thoughts might affect other people. And even though the posting has been sporadic, this blog has never been removed from the blogsphere.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Journaling
I'm here. I know this is where I belong. But why? Why me? And don't give me that "why not?" crap. I need a legit answer. something more than "because I called you here" "What more do you need?" God, I just don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to stay strong. No crying here. I can't be vulnerable. My roomie M2 was right, I don't like being vulnerable. I can't open up my heart because I'm afraid to...to get hurt again. I just can't. God. too many people have walked away, abandoned me. Why would this time be any different? what makes this school so dang special? How do I know that these people will be any different? They don't know me, they don't know who I am or where I've been. And what's worse is that, they've been through worse yet here they are passing me by.
God? who the frick am I? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I feel so unloved and unworthy? I deserve better. I deserve something more. But this, this is all I know. All I've ever known. This inferiority its, it's something I don't know how to deal with. Why I don't feel like God can...I feel this way because I rejected him. I shunned him, hated, despised him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I tried to move on to do it myself. To be my own savior. It's not working it never worked to begin with. So why did I keep at it? Good question. Why am I so selfish all the time. So vain as to think it's all about me. It's clearly not. God, I can't do this anymore. I just can't keep running and hiding. I can't keep this charade up any longer. Look God I'm sorry okay? I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm foolish okay! There I said it. I'm a foolish naive young girl who has no idea what she's doing. Happy now?
How'd I know you would say no? You won't be happy till I'm back with you. Completely and 100% yours. I sound and act the same. Even when worried, happy, sad, upset, excited, mad, bitter. My moods change minutely or rather the outward appearance does. But my walls are finally cracking and now, I don't know where I want to be, but getting there is my problem. At least my roommates have come to "peace" about things. Yet I can't. Why? It's so simple really. I don't want to let go of my anger. It's all I know. The one thing that's remained constant throughout my life. Even though it was based on inconsistent things. I hate change. I hate the unknown. And that's right where god put me. Smack dab in the middle of the great unknown. Cause then I have to rely on him. Even when I don't want to...sigh.
I was going to blog. My computer has been commandeered (I'm boring my roomie's computer) by God to teach me a thing or two. I don't like these teaching times. Especially when I know what needs doing. This time it's read my bible and pray. But I'm resisting, I know-BAD Molly, BAD! But it's not.
Dang this isn't good. I'm starting to...no I'm not! I am clean and free of all demonic spirits. I have been set free and this temple is bolted down. NO evil spirit shall ever set up camp in here again. Why am I such an idiot? Why? Why do i refuse to accept what I know to be true? What's been ingrained in me since day one? Oh God, what have I done to myself?
BREATHE
Just breathe M. Breathe. I know it's hard but we can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me" What happened to that girl? The one who was so excited and couldn't wait and never wanted to leave? Who could feel his presence? The one who was touched by an angel-who was hugged when they needed it most. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. God how do I trust you? How do I stop this nonsense? I still feel like I did so many years ago. Like somewhere out there-aka across the room-is someone whose problems are worse than mine. They deserve God more. What did she ever do wrong? I slammed the door in his face. I hated him, despised him,. I wanted nothing to do with God-I backed out on him. I deserve none of it. G2 said we didn't deserve any of it. But at least some people deserve God's help more than others. Starving children in Africa. you get the idea.
BREATHE
It's going to be okay....... .......it has to be.....
All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to stay strong. No crying here. I can't be vulnerable. My roomie M2 was right, I don't like being vulnerable. I can't open up my heart because I'm afraid to...to get hurt again. I just can't. God. too many people have walked away, abandoned me. Why would this time be any different? what makes this school so dang special? How do I know that these people will be any different? They don't know me, they don't know who I am or where I've been. And what's worse is that, they've been through worse yet here they are passing me by.
God? who the frick am I? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I feel so unloved and unworthy? I deserve better. I deserve something more. But this, this is all I know. All I've ever known. This inferiority its, it's something I don't know how to deal with. Why I don't feel like God can...I feel this way because I rejected him. I shunned him, hated, despised him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I tried to move on to do it myself. To be my own savior. It's not working it never worked to begin with. So why did I keep at it? Good question. Why am I so selfish all the time. So vain as to think it's all about me. It's clearly not. God, I can't do this anymore. I just can't keep running and hiding. I can't keep this charade up any longer. Look God I'm sorry okay? I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm foolish okay! There I said it. I'm a foolish naive young girl who has no idea what she's doing. Happy now?
How'd I know you would say no? You won't be happy till I'm back with you. Completely and 100% yours. I sound and act the same. Even when worried, happy, sad, upset, excited, mad, bitter. My moods change minutely or rather the outward appearance does. But my walls are finally cracking and now, I don't know where I want to be, but getting there is my problem. At least my roommates have come to "peace" about things. Yet I can't. Why? It's so simple really. I don't want to let go of my anger. It's all I know. The one thing that's remained constant throughout my life. Even though it was based on inconsistent things. I hate change. I hate the unknown. And that's right where god put me. Smack dab in the middle of the great unknown. Cause then I have to rely on him. Even when I don't want to...sigh.
I was going to blog. My computer has been commandeered (I'm boring my roomie's computer) by God to teach me a thing or two. I don't like these teaching times. Especially when I know what needs doing. This time it's read my bible and pray. But I'm resisting, I know-BAD Molly, BAD! But it's not.
Dang this isn't good. I'm starting to...no I'm not! I am clean and free of all demonic spirits. I have been set free and this temple is bolted down. NO evil spirit shall ever set up camp in here again. Why am I such an idiot? Why? Why do i refuse to accept what I know to be true? What's been ingrained in me since day one? Oh God, what have I done to myself?
BREATHE
Just breathe M. Breathe. I know it's hard but we can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me" What happened to that girl? The one who was so excited and couldn't wait and never wanted to leave? Who could feel his presence? The one who was touched by an angel-who was hugged when they needed it most. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. God how do I trust you? How do I stop this nonsense? I still feel like I did so many years ago. Like somewhere out there-aka across the room-is someone whose problems are worse than mine. They deserve God more. What did she ever do wrong? I slammed the door in his face. I hated him, despised him,. I wanted nothing to do with God-I backed out on him. I deserve none of it. G2 said we didn't deserve any of it. But at least some people deserve God's help more than others. Starving children in Africa. you get the idea.
BREATHE
It's going to be okay....... .......it has to be.....
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Losing My Mind
I think I'm going crazy. Yesterday I thought it was Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday, and then Friday. And then last night, for a brief moment, I thought it was December. But it's not.
What is happening here! Why is my mind so dang screwed up? I would say I blame the fact that my brain is so overwhelmed right now, but oh wait. I'm not allowed to blame it on other things. (Even though this time it's probably true.)
My mind is so crowded, overworked, overwhelmed. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't think through my thoughts long enough to even write them down. I know there are things I'm worried about. I know there are things I should be doing. I know there are things I want to be doing. But what those things are...
That I cannot tell you. Not because I don't want to, but because I honestly don't know what they are. Which is why this post is...is...so, random I guess? I just don't know anymore. Like I don't know why I just put a question mark at the end of that sentence or why I'm even still here typing away.
Honestly, I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm stressed. Actually, I know I'm stressed. I'm starting to freak out and I just don't know what to do with myself. But you already know that part.
Maybe I should step away from the computer, go clear my head. Somehow, somewhere. Where? I'm not quite sure just yet. Maybe if I actually take the time to lift my fingers from this keyboard which somehow seems to draw me towards it, like a magnet really, then perhaps I'll find the answer outside of this pathetically tiny room with no air floor and stuffy-sweaty-boy smell that lingers annoyingly in the corner. Okay that last part made absolutely no sense so I think I should just stop now before everything thinks I've lost my marbles.
Even though I already have.
What is happening here! Why is my mind so dang screwed up? I would say I blame the fact that my brain is so overwhelmed right now, but oh wait. I'm not allowed to blame it on other things. (Even though this time it's probably true.)
My mind is so crowded, overworked, overwhelmed. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't think through my thoughts long enough to even write them down. I know there are things I'm worried about. I know there are things I should be doing. I know there are things I want to be doing. But what those things are...
That I cannot tell you. Not because I don't want to, but because I honestly don't know what they are. Which is why this post is...is...so, random I guess? I just don't know anymore. Like I don't know why I just put a question mark at the end of that sentence or why I'm even still here typing away.
Honestly, I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm stressed. Actually, I know I'm stressed. I'm starting to freak out and I just don't know what to do with myself. But you already know that part.
Maybe I should step away from the computer, go clear my head. Somehow, somewhere. Where? I'm not quite sure just yet. Maybe if I actually take the time to lift my fingers from this keyboard which somehow seems to draw me towards it, like a magnet really, then perhaps I'll find the answer outside of this pathetically tiny room with no air floor and stuffy-sweaty-boy smell that lingers annoyingly in the corner. Okay that last part made absolutely no sense so I think I should just stop now before everything thinks I've lost my marbles.
Even though I already have.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Jumbled Thoughts
I don't even know what's going on anymore, I can hardly contain my excitement! In fact a few days ago my brain nearly blew up as I tried to explain the complicated mass of thoughts swarming my already too full brain! You should have seen the size of that email! It was so freaking large that I had to send it in 3 parts! Although, come to think of it, that was more for her benefit than mine. I didn't want my friend freaking out and not being able to read the entire thing in one sitting so I sent three in case she wanted to split it up a little. But guess what else I figured out in the process! When you do things like that, the person almost always reads the next piece because they are interested and think to themselves "just one more, it won't be long" but really its the same time length as it would have been if it was one large email! Maybe even longer! HA! I'm a genius.
Wait.
Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!
I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)
Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...
Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!
See what I mean?
Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.
You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!
WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.
Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?
Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.
THEY ALREADY DO!
So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?
Wait.
Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!
I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)
Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...
Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!
See what I mean?
Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.
You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!
WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.
Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?
Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.
THEY ALREADY DO!
So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Letting Go
Do I just give up? Let it all go and throw away my dreams, plans, goals for the future? Is that what I am to do? How can I do this when everything I've ever known, ever wanted lies here in the United States. It's all connected, all intertwined with my future. These plans I've made map out my life forever. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted with my life and then here God comes throwing this all at me at once. Okay it wasn't really at once. The idea has been there for years, always hiding out in the back of my mind. It wasn't until this summer that I realized that THIS is what I'm meant to do. But now that I know, I'm finding it hard to let go. To accept it and the changes it brings along. How can I? I love change, don't get me wrong. But now I'm having to let go of my dreams. I've found that compromising with God isn't really an option. I either accept his calling and complete immerse myself in it or I can attempt to run. Which we all know won't work. It never works.
It took me long enough to give up my other dreams, but now this? Now I have to give up the one thing I've wanted, dreamed of, desired with all my heart. The one thing that would give me a chance to explore the world, help others, and learn who I am...has just been removed from my world. WHAT?! WHY? HOW? This is so not fair.
And Now I'm reminded of that all too familiar saying "Life's not fair" Of course its not. It never was and never will be. I just wish it was a little more fair than it currently is. I can't do this. This thing. I don't even know what it is. Yet somehow. Someway I'm doing it. Why? How? Can't I ever stop?
I'm such a hypocrite. I say I want to be a missionary. I feel like I'm called to be one. I'd love to be one. The thrill. The adventure. I'd gladly take it on. Leaving the US for another country...to LIVE to become a citizen of? Sure why not? Sign me up. Play with banana leaf and trash balls? Hug Orphans? Sell most of my belongings? Dress in Rags? Wear tattered and torn sandals? Eat beans and rice day after day? Walk instead of drive? Take cold bucket showers? Sleep on cement floors? Carry all I own in an over sized backpack? Sure I'll do it! In fact I'd be thrilled to do that. But tell me I can't be a Peace Corp Volunteer? That's when the complaining and frustration begins. That's when the "this isn't far!" whining begins. And then, then I feel selfish. I feel as if I'm trying to shove my way upon God. To tell him what I'm doing rather than ask him what he wants me to do. I feel as if I can't possibly be good enough for him. I feel as if I'll fail miserably at the whole missionary thing. I feel as if I'll get terrified out of my wits as soon as I'm actually there. I feel as if I dont trust God enough, don't know him well enough to help others figure out this thing. I feel as if I don't know what Grace is. So how in the world am I supposed to show others what it is? I feel like a fake. A liar. A phony. Day in and Day out I wander along this path I'm set on, wondering what happened. Where'd my life go? Why, how did I become such a hypocrite? Such a phony? Where'd I go wrong? When did I lose touch with God? When did I fall away, when did put God on the back burner? I just don't get it. I mean, after growing up in a Christian home with a Christian mother who cares and a great Church Family I'm left like this.
Sigh. How am I ever going to embrace this calling when I can't even embrace myself? How can I love others when I can't even love myself? How can I forgive others when I can't even forgive myself? How can I tell others about God when I don't even feel like I know him very well? How can I do these things when my own life is in such shambles?
College? DLA? Bible College? Mission Field? Sigh. This is too much for me. I need to learn to let go. To just give all up to God. To Count on God. To know that he is there, that is watching over me. To trust him with every aspect of my life. But that doesn't simply happen overnight.
It took me long enough to give up my other dreams, but now this? Now I have to give up the one thing I've wanted, dreamed of, desired with all my heart. The one thing that would give me a chance to explore the world, help others, and learn who I am...has just been removed from my world. WHAT?! WHY? HOW? This is so not fair.
And Now I'm reminded of that all too familiar saying "Life's not fair" Of course its not. It never was and never will be. I just wish it was a little more fair than it currently is. I can't do this. This thing. I don't even know what it is. Yet somehow. Someway I'm doing it. Why? How? Can't I ever stop?
I'm such a hypocrite. I say I want to be a missionary. I feel like I'm called to be one. I'd love to be one. The thrill. The adventure. I'd gladly take it on. Leaving the US for another country...to LIVE to become a citizen of? Sure why not? Sign me up. Play with banana leaf and trash balls? Hug Orphans? Sell most of my belongings? Dress in Rags? Wear tattered and torn sandals? Eat beans and rice day after day? Walk instead of drive? Take cold bucket showers? Sleep on cement floors? Carry all I own in an over sized backpack? Sure I'll do it! In fact I'd be thrilled to do that. But tell me I can't be a Peace Corp Volunteer? That's when the complaining and frustration begins. That's when the "this isn't far!" whining begins. And then, then I feel selfish. I feel as if I'm trying to shove my way upon God. To tell him what I'm doing rather than ask him what he wants me to do. I feel as if I can't possibly be good enough for him. I feel as if I'll fail miserably at the whole missionary thing. I feel as if I'll get terrified out of my wits as soon as I'm actually there. I feel as if I dont trust God enough, don't know him well enough to help others figure out this thing. I feel as if I don't know what Grace is. So how in the world am I supposed to show others what it is? I feel like a fake. A liar. A phony. Day in and Day out I wander along this path I'm set on, wondering what happened. Where'd my life go? Why, how did I become such a hypocrite? Such a phony? Where'd I go wrong? When did I lose touch with God? When did I fall away, when did put God on the back burner? I just don't get it. I mean, after growing up in a Christian home with a Christian mother who cares and a great Church Family I'm left like this.
Sigh. How am I ever going to embrace this calling when I can't even embrace myself? How can I love others when I can't even love myself? How can I forgive others when I can't even forgive myself? How can I tell others about God when I don't even feel like I know him very well? How can I do these things when my own life is in such shambles?
College? DLA? Bible College? Mission Field? Sigh. This is too much for me. I need to learn to let go. To just give all up to God. To Count on God. To know that he is there, that is watching over me. To trust him with every aspect of my life. But that doesn't simply happen overnight.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
When I said I was fine....
...I lied. I'm not. I'm no where even close to that.
I try to push the thoughts away but they just sit there. Torturing me every freaking second of the day. I'll simply sit, and stare blankly about the room. Not at anything in particular. My mind remains empty, save for those stupid annoying I would prefer if they never crossed my mind again thoughts. In fact, every time I write a post...or heck even read one of the last two I've written. I have to fight the tears. I can't let on that I'm this frustrated over ...(rubs eyes and takes several deep breaths)...over this whole thing. I'd prefer if he just left already. Please, dont make me .....just don't make me have to go through this again. I beg you. All I need to do is survive another 336 days. That's it. Then I'm free to go. Then I can leave and never have to worry about going through this again.
God. I'm sorry I lied to all of you. But apparently I'm not sorry enough to stop. So next time you ask how I am, and I say "I'm fine" Don't believe me. I'll be lying to you.
I try to push the thoughts away but they just sit there. Torturing me every freaking second of the day. I'll simply sit, and stare blankly about the room. Not at anything in particular. My mind remains empty, save for those stupid annoying I would prefer if they never crossed my mind again thoughts. In fact, every time I write a post...or heck even read one of the last two I've written. I have to fight the tears. I can't let on that I'm this frustrated over ...(rubs eyes and takes several deep breaths)...over this whole thing. I'd prefer if he just left already. Please, dont make me .....just don't make me have to go through this again. I beg you. All I need to do is survive another 336 days. That's it. Then I'm free to go. Then I can leave and never have to worry about going through this again.
God. I'm sorry I lied to all of you. But apparently I'm not sorry enough to stop. So next time you ask how I am, and I say "I'm fine" Don't believe me. I'll be lying to you.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Why did he have to come back?
It would have been easier had he stayed away, now I’m forced to remember all those painful memories. And worse yet, left alone to deal with them. They don’t see it. They can’t. They are too busy with their own screwed up lives to notice the one that’s ever so slowly slipping down the drain. If only they’d open their eyes, care enough to find out if what I’m telling them is actually true. If only they’d ask “How are you REALLY?” Then maybe they’d learn, maybe they’d care. Maybe I wouldn’t be left sitting here.
All the things I long to tell him, I can't. I've been forbidden from it. The things that kill me to have to hide, to keep secret, to keep hidden....are the things I'd long to tell him. But I can't.
She's stolen my best friend from me. The only one who ever truly understood me. Who cared. Now he's gone. Maybe not physically (though he will be soon) but emotionally. That connection we once had is gone. All because of her. And she wonders why I despise her. Why I argue with her. Why I count down the days till I'm free of HER. Yet for some odd reason people continue to think that it will all just disappear once I'm out of the house. It wont. We are incapable of getting along. I know that. She knows that. Yet she pretends that she doesn't. She pretends that I'm the daughter she always wanted, the one she dreamed of before I was born. She pretends that I'm the perfect child who does everything the way it should be. She imagines me as the little stay at home mom who does all these girly things...that's not me. I'm not the daughter she wanted. No, that task fell to my sister in law. The perfect daughter. The one she always dreamed of.
Its common knowledge that the middle child is always left hanging. The oldest does everything first. When they graduate its a first. When they turn 18 its a first. When they start driving its a first. Same with the youngest. When they start driving its a last, therefore much more emotional cause that means the children are growing up. When they graduate HS its another last, therefore another emotional event. But us middle children? Nothing we do is ever important, ever emotional. Why, cause its already been done and will be done again.
Josh this. Josh that. Josh this. Josh that. That's all I've heard these past 2 years. COME ON! Yes, he was a senior. yes it was his last year at home. BUT REALLY?!. "Ah, my baby boy is graduating HS!" Ah, he needs a graduation party. He's joining the military! He's got a girlfriend! He needs a going way party! Don't tell him anything bad, don't make him worry! He doesn't need that! Ah he's engaged! Ah he's graduating from Basic Training. HES MARRIED! I've got a married son! Don't worry him, he doesn't need that. I WANT TO SEE MY SON TOO! Spring Break Yeah I get to see my son again! (H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS! WHY ON EARTH DID I EVER AGREE TO GO ON A VACATION WITH HER!?) My boy's coming home! YEAH! Ah..he's leaving. I'm going to go cry for the billionth time.
I know that people in the military need support, they don't need to be worried. But seriously...does everything have to be about him all the freaking time! What about me? This is my year isn't it? I'm leaving home in less than 336 days...shouldn't it be "Me" sometimes? Nope. Instead it goes like this through her head every freaking second of the day. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Moll--no wait..change my mind--Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. "I feel like I'm forgetting someone...nevermind" Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. "Oh YEAH! Molly. She can wait." Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Molly. Repeat.
Gah. I was fine, until he came home. Now I have to deal with all this crap once again. I had managed to forget it. Or at least shove the thoughts away so I didn't have to think about them. I can't now. I'm forced to confront them once again...just cause he's back and now I have daily reminders of all this crap. God, this isn't even all of it. But I can't keep typing...I dont want Jake to see my crying.
All the things I long to tell him, I can't. I've been forbidden from it. The things that kill me to have to hide, to keep secret, to keep hidden....are the things I'd long to tell him. But I can't.
She's stolen my best friend from me. The only one who ever truly understood me. Who cared. Now he's gone. Maybe not physically (though he will be soon) but emotionally. That connection we once had is gone. All because of her. And she wonders why I despise her. Why I argue with her. Why I count down the days till I'm free of HER. Yet for some odd reason people continue to think that it will all just disappear once I'm out of the house. It wont. We are incapable of getting along. I know that. She knows that. Yet she pretends that she doesn't. She pretends that I'm the daughter she always wanted, the one she dreamed of before I was born. She pretends that I'm the perfect child who does everything the way it should be. She imagines me as the little stay at home mom who does all these girly things...that's not me. I'm not the daughter she wanted. No, that task fell to my sister in law. The perfect daughter. The one she always dreamed of.
Its common knowledge that the middle child is always left hanging. The oldest does everything first. When they graduate its a first. When they turn 18 its a first. When they start driving its a first. Same with the youngest. When they start driving its a last, therefore much more emotional cause that means the children are growing up. When they graduate HS its another last, therefore another emotional event. But us middle children? Nothing we do is ever important, ever emotional. Why, cause its already been done and will be done again.
Josh this. Josh that. Josh this. Josh that. That's all I've heard these past 2 years. COME ON! Yes, he was a senior. yes it was his last year at home. BUT REALLY?!. "Ah, my baby boy is graduating HS!" Ah, he needs a graduation party. He's joining the military! He's got a girlfriend! He needs a going way party! Don't tell him anything bad, don't make him worry! He doesn't need that! Ah he's engaged! Ah he's graduating from Basic Training. HES MARRIED! I've got a married son! Don't worry him, he doesn't need that. I WANT TO SEE MY SON TOO! Spring Break Yeah I get to see my son again! (H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS! WHY ON EARTH DID I EVER AGREE TO GO ON A VACATION WITH HER!?) My boy's coming home! YEAH! Ah..he's leaving. I'm going to go cry for the billionth time.
I know that people in the military need support, they don't need to be worried. But seriously...does everything have to be about him all the freaking time! What about me? This is my year isn't it? I'm leaving home in less than 336 days...shouldn't it be "Me" sometimes? Nope. Instead it goes like this through her head every freaking second of the day. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Moll--no wait..change my mind--Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. "I feel like I'm forgetting someone...nevermind" Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. "Oh YEAH! Molly. She can wait." Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Molly. Repeat.
Gah. I was fine, until he came home. Now I have to deal with all this crap once again. I had managed to forget it. Or at least shove the thoughts away so I didn't have to think about them. I can't now. I'm forced to confront them once again...just cause he's back and now I have daily reminders of all this crap. God, this isn't even all of it. But I can't keep typing...I dont want Jake to see my crying.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Alone...as always
Once again I found myself alone tonight, just like always. I was told I wouldn't be alone, that I wouldn't have to worry about it. What a lie that turned out to be. We all know the truth. We all know how it ALWAYS ends up...it always ends up with someone not following through with their promise and someone else all alone and hating every minute of it. Oh sure tonight wasn't THAT bad. But still...it was bad enough that it made me think about thinks. Thinks I'd rather not even go into right now, things like "will I always be like this?" GOSH MOLS IT WAS A STUPID LITTLE THING! THEY WERE JUST LATE IN ARRIVING! GET OVER IT! But...they still left me alone. And then even those who could have helped out, choose not to. So really I guess I'm mad about those that left me alone on purpose. The other person, well they didn't have a choice really but still...those other people. They left me, they chose to leave poor little ole me all alone. So many others have, so what will stop future people from making the same decision? I know I said that this anger probably comes from these annoying and stupid people tonight, but there are other things that are bringing this idea to my mind tonight. One in particular. I feel as if one of my best friends is...avoiding me. Ditching me. As if she's like, gotten tired of listening to me rant about my annoying life when her's is probably worse. (I don't actually know as we haven't really talked much lately...which is why I feel this way too) I feel as if she's just sik of being my friend, so many others have in the past that it makes me wonder if she'll stay legit. If she'll still be here come tomorrow. **Sigh** This is what I think about. This is what I dwell on day after day. But you know what? Most of it probably is true. When I do talk to Alana* I feel as if she tries to end the conversation as soon as possible because she can't stand talking to me. When for all I know, she may really be tired, she may really have to help her family, she may really need to go do something. Yet I sit here and continue to come up with stupid reasons/proof as to why she's trying to get rid of me. **Sigh** I need to get back to reality. I know that, but...I don't know how. All I see is this. This pathetic thing I call my life. It's my fault really. I would have had a life if I'd accept people's offers to do things. But know, I turn it down with the lame excuse..."I'm busy". In fact I lie to people about what's going on in my life all the time. I tell them several things "yeah I'm fine" "I don't care" "nothing happened" "I'm busy" "I have to do......blah" Most of the times I use lame excuses to get out of things I'm too shy to admit I want to even try. I should just shut up. No one reads this. Trust me I know. I looked it up. The only page views I get are from myself....how sad is that? Pretty sad I must admit. Now, I think I'll go. I'll just leave you with one quick pathetic attempt a poem.
Darkness creeps in around me
Silence fills the air
An empty soul
Is hiding here
Away from light
Away from view
Locked up
In this cold dark cell
Can you hear them?
The voices of the lost
Crying out to be heard
Can you hear those above
Those in the light
Desperately calling your name
Can you hear it?
So far from light
Have you fallen
Deep into the shadows
In endless pits
And into the dark
You shall remain
For your soul has already
Given up hope
Blocked the entrance to the heart
And crawled to the corner
Afraid to face the world
Afraid to see what you could become
Can you see?
The light high above
Or have you blocked your eyes as well
Are you scared to be saved?
Scared to live again
To feel
To trust others not to hurt you again
To love…once again?
Darkness creeps in around me
Silence fills the air
An empty soul
Is hiding here
Away from light
Away from view
Locked up
In this cold dark cell
Can you hear them?
The voices of the lost
Crying out to be heard
Can you hear those above
Those in the light
Desperately calling your name
Can you hear it?
So far from light
Have you fallen
Deep into the shadows
In endless pits
And into the dark
You shall remain
For your soul has already
Given up hope
Blocked the entrance to the heart
And crawled to the corner
Afraid to face the world
Afraid to see what you could become
Can you see?
The light high above
Or have you blocked your eyes as well
Are you scared to be saved?
Scared to live again
To feel
To trust others not to hurt you again
To love…once again?
Friday, July 23, 2010
What's motivation?
If I hate it so much, then why don't I do anything about it? Hmmm. Good question, it's probably just my lack of motivation. I have none. I've said a million different times, "this time it will be different" "I will do this" and guess what...I've never done it. All I have to do is look down or look in the mirror and I'll see that. I've failed. Failed miserably too.
People always tell me "your beautiful" "your pretty" "you look nice" And sure...I'll say "thanks" maybe smile a little, or I'll simply shrug and say "yeah right" or "whatever". Honestly, I don't believe them. Never have. I do have my moments where I'll look at myself and say "i like what I see" but that quickly fades as seconds later I spot another problem. "Oh wait, what about that?" "Ew, what's that?" "Sick." "Ugh" Yes that is honestly how I feel about myself. On a scale of one to ten for satisfaction with myself? I'd give it a two right now. Honestly a two. Maybe even a one. I failed, I really have. And that right there makes it a MUCH lower number. Some days, it's a 5. Some days its a 6. But it's NEVER any higher than that. God, I have problems. I should just get off my lazy butt and do something shouldn't I? But wait, I'm too lazy to actually get off that lazy butt. Hmmm. What to do?
Sometimes, I just wish I didn't have this problem. But then again its my own fault isn't it? Right, it is.
People always tell me "your beautiful" "your pretty" "you look nice" And sure...I'll say "thanks" maybe smile a little, or I'll simply shrug and say "yeah right" or "whatever". Honestly, I don't believe them. Never have. I do have my moments where I'll look at myself and say "i like what I see" but that quickly fades as seconds later I spot another problem. "Oh wait, what about that?" "Ew, what's that?" "Sick." "Ugh" Yes that is honestly how I feel about myself. On a scale of one to ten for satisfaction with myself? I'd give it a two right now. Honestly a two. Maybe even a one. I failed, I really have. And that right there makes it a MUCH lower number. Some days, it's a 5. Some days its a 6. But it's NEVER any higher than that. God, I have problems. I should just get off my lazy butt and do something shouldn't I? But wait, I'm too lazy to actually get off that lazy butt. Hmmm. What to do?
Sometimes, I just wish I didn't have this problem. But then again its my own fault isn't it? Right, it is.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Maybe that's why
I'm wandering, back and forth across this line. I don't know. I don't know what I think, feel, believe. I don't know if God's just a myth. A fairytale, a story someone made up one day when they were bored. I don't know if its just a cult and the people in it are blind. I don't know. I have no proof. People tell me to pray, to ask God. But how can I do that when I'm doubting if he's even real? They tell me there's proof all around us. That this world is proof enough. For all I know it could have been here forever. I doubt there was a BANG and it was here. For all I know everything was always here. How do we know there was a beginning? How do we know it wasn't just here forever, perhaps people just didn't document it. Perhaps their bones have disappeared. But lets not get into that whole thing. I don't care about creation nor evolution. The bigger problem is sitting here before me. What do I believe? What do I do?
I need proof. I need someone to come along and PROVE to me that God is real, but in order to actually break through all these mental barriers I've placed the person is not allowed to use Jesus (for all I know he could be made up), they can't use creation, the bible (how do we know some random person didn't just write it), they can't use "prayer" (how do I know its not just chance that things "come true"?) and they can't (obviously) just say its obvious, "duh there HAS to be a greater power, a god" cause obviously that's not enough for me.
I feel as if my entire life has been a lie. One giant lie. I feel as if I'm a lie. My whole life is a lie. Like I've been living this life that isn't mine, and was never intended to be mine. I feel as if I've got no purpose and that I might as well live this life for myself. I should stop trying to please people (both family and god)cause how do I know it even matters? I should pursue my own interests, and live my life as ethically as I can. Morals. That's another argument I've heard. "how do they know what's right and whats wrong?" well lets see. does it harm someone else? then its wrong. does it break the laws (that were created so that we wouldn't harm someone else)then its wrong. and i'm not just talking about physical harm but mental, emotional harm. That's how I know what's right and wrong. I used to believe that right and wrong were dictated by God. But how do I know? Like I said before, how do I know he's even out there.
Maybe its all this confusion that makes me doubt myself. Maybe its all this that makes me wonder how I'm ever going to fit into this world. Maybe its all the lies that makes me feel as if I've got no potential, purpose, future. Maybe that's why I keep finding myself staring at blank pages wondering where my life is going. Maybe that's why my relationship with my mom has gone down the drain. Maybe that's why I can't stand to be in the same room with her. Maybe that's why I can't stand the words "god" "bible" "pray/er" "worship" "jesus" "christ" "father" (am I missing any...?) Maybe that's why.
I need proof. I need someone to come along and PROVE to me that God is real, but in order to actually break through all these mental barriers I've placed the person is not allowed to use Jesus (for all I know he could be made up), they can't use creation, the bible (how do we know some random person didn't just write it), they can't use "prayer" (how do I know its not just chance that things "come true"?) and they can't (obviously) just say its obvious, "duh there HAS to be a greater power, a god" cause obviously that's not enough for me.
I feel as if my entire life has been a lie. One giant lie. I feel as if I'm a lie. My whole life is a lie. Like I've been living this life that isn't mine, and was never intended to be mine. I feel as if I've got no purpose and that I might as well live this life for myself. I should stop trying to please people (both family and god)cause how do I know it even matters? I should pursue my own interests, and live my life as ethically as I can. Morals. That's another argument I've heard. "how do they know what's right and whats wrong?" well lets see. does it harm someone else? then its wrong. does it break the laws (that were created so that we wouldn't harm someone else)then its wrong. and i'm not just talking about physical harm but mental, emotional harm. That's how I know what's right and wrong. I used to believe that right and wrong were dictated by God. But how do I know? Like I said before, how do I know he's even out there.
Maybe its all this confusion that makes me doubt myself. Maybe its all this that makes me wonder how I'm ever going to fit into this world. Maybe its all the lies that makes me feel as if I've got no potential, purpose, future. Maybe that's why I keep finding myself staring at blank pages wondering where my life is going. Maybe that's why my relationship with my mom has gone down the drain. Maybe that's why I can't stand to be in the same room with her. Maybe that's why I can't stand the words "god" "bible" "pray/er" "worship" "jesus" "christ" "father" (am I missing any...?) Maybe that's why.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Knowing
I told her. She knows now. Because I told her. I had to tell her. She forced it from me. I wish I didn't tell her. Yet I'm glad I told her. She needed to know. But she doesn't know what to think about what I told her.
She knows now, that my relationships are crap. She knows now how I feel about the "preaching" she shoves down my throat. She knows now how much I despise my conversations with her. She knows.
I told her that every time the storm begins to calm, she brings another one. Arguments with her are the killing thing. They are the weather that creates the storm until I, unable to handle it, simply blow up beneath the pressure. I can't do it. This fighting, this chaos. This false reality I call my life. I just cant do it. Every time I begin to find my way again, She comes back into my life. Forcing me, pushing me, to run away. Its not my fault, it never was, that we just don't get along. How she can deny, any responsibility I know not. We were never meant to get along, I swear I was switched at birth. She doesn't like me, I know that now. I don't like her, she knows that now. How much longer will I have to stay here? How much longer until i'm free? Seriously, how much longer? Living with her is only hindering me. That's all it's ever done. Someone once told me that when a parent is uncertain, the child becomes uncertain. Well THANKS! She got her wish, I no longer know whats right and wrong. I no longer know what I value. What I cherish.
Knowing, if only I knew the truth. If only I knew who I was. Then perhaps, perhaps then I'd know what to do.
And she wonders why I scarred myself?
She knows now, that my relationships are crap. She knows now how I feel about the "preaching" she shoves down my throat. She knows now how much I despise my conversations with her. She knows.
I told her that every time the storm begins to calm, she brings another one. Arguments with her are the killing thing. They are the weather that creates the storm until I, unable to handle it, simply blow up beneath the pressure. I can't do it. This fighting, this chaos. This false reality I call my life. I just cant do it. Every time I begin to find my way again, She comes back into my life. Forcing me, pushing me, to run away. Its not my fault, it never was, that we just don't get along. How she can deny, any responsibility I know not. We were never meant to get along, I swear I was switched at birth. She doesn't like me, I know that now. I don't like her, she knows that now. How much longer will I have to stay here? How much longer until i'm free? Seriously, how much longer? Living with her is only hindering me. That's all it's ever done. Someone once told me that when a parent is uncertain, the child becomes uncertain. Well THANKS! She got her wish, I no longer know whats right and wrong. I no longer know what I value. What I cherish.
Knowing, if only I knew the truth. If only I knew who I was. Then perhaps, perhaps then I'd know what to do.
And she wonders why I scarred myself?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Mother
You have no idea how long I've plotted my escape. How I beg God to make time fly faster, till the day I can finally flee this life. I'm sorry, I'm just not the daughter you always thought I'd be. All I am is me. That's all I'll ever be. I can't be the picture perfect, darling little princess you imagined. I'm not her. I never was. Why can't you just accept me the way I am? Please, I'm begging you. If only you could see past this mask, this costume...that's hiding the real me. I'm here! I SWEAR! I'm still HERE!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)