Maybe that's why

I'm wandering, back and forth across this line. I don't know. I don't know what I think, feel, believe. I don't know if God's just a myth. A fairytale, a story someone made up one day when they were bored. I don't know if its just a cult and the people in it are blind. I don't know. I have no proof. People tell me to pray, to ask God. But how can I do that when I'm doubting if he's even real? They tell me there's proof all around us. That this world is proof enough. For all I know it could have been here forever. I doubt there was a BANG and it was here. For all I know everything was always here. How do we know there was a beginning? How do we know it wasn't just here forever, perhaps people just didn't document it. Perhaps their bones have disappeared. But lets not get into that whole thing. I don't care about creation nor evolution. The bigger problem is sitting here before me. What do I believe? What do I do?

I need proof. I need someone to come along and PROVE to me that God is real, but in order to actually break through all these mental barriers I've placed the person is not allowed to use Jesus (for all I know he could be made up), they can't use creation, the bible (how do we know some random person didn't just write it), they can't use "prayer" (how do I know its not just chance that things "come true"?) and they can't (obviously) just say its obvious, "duh there HAS to be a greater power, a god" cause obviously that's not enough for me.

I feel as if my entire life has been a lie. One giant lie. I feel as if I'm a lie. My whole life is a lie. Like I've been living this life that isn't mine, and was never intended to be mine. I feel as if I've got no purpose and that I might as well live this life for myself. I should stop trying to please people (both family and god)cause how do I know it even matters? I should pursue my own interests, and live my life as ethically as I can. Morals. That's another argument I've heard. "how do they know what's right and whats wrong?" well lets see. does it harm someone else? then its wrong. does it break the laws (that were created so that we wouldn't harm someone else)then its wrong. and i'm not just talking about physical harm but mental, emotional harm. That's how I know what's right and wrong. I used to believe that right and wrong were dictated by God. But how do I know? Like I said before, how do I know he's even out there.

Maybe its all this confusion that makes me doubt myself. Maybe its all this that makes me wonder how I'm ever going to fit into this world. Maybe its all the lies that makes me feel as if I've got no potential, purpose, future. Maybe that's why I keep finding myself staring at blank pages wondering where my life is going. Maybe that's why my relationship with my mom has gone down the drain. Maybe that's why I can't stand to be in the same room with her. Maybe that's why I can't stand the words "god" "bible" "pray/er" "worship" "jesus" "christ" "father" (am I missing any...?) Maybe that's why.