Apparently I don't know how to post more than once a month (without cheating). And sadly, the reason I'm here is to warn you-the few people who might actually read this-that the "update" I had promised you is going to be delayed a bit. I'm kind of tied up with life at the moment, even though the things I'm tied up with clearly relate to what I've been trying to talk about in here...I just don't have the time to write about it. (I know, I know. Sad Day)
So just thought I'd pop in and tell ya'll
"I'll be back!"
HUGS! :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Ineffable! (#2)
The scars kind of took me off track a little in the last post. So I might as well finish the thought.
After escaping that bout with depression and another "low" point, I was trying to picture myself in the future. What type of job? Where would I be? So I sat on my bed staring at the wall to eliminate distractions and closed my eyes. The room was silent, I was alone. A perfect place to meet with God. I thought about it, asked God to show me, to enlighten me and he did. I always did have problems envisioning myself in a cubicle, office, classroom, store, at home. I just couldn't get the image I was longing for. So when God did give me a vision, it didn't take me by surprise that I wasn't in any of those places. No, you didn't read that wrong. It's true. I wasn't in any office, classroom, cubicle, store, etc. No. I was in some rural village (Africa maybe?), a small shack behind me (or a hut), the ground was dusty and pure dirt not a single blade of grass lay beneath my feet. Children clustered about me, anxiously awaiting their turns for I wasn't simply standing there. I was spinning in circles, twirling young children around as we both smiled and laughed. My hair was flying around loosely behind me and I seemed not to care. I wore a long skirt which should have bothered me in the hot sun, but it didn't. I didn't care. I was HAPPY. Key word there, HAPPY!
After that it didn't take me long to figure out my calling in life. A mere second to be exact.
Missions.
I had always loved the idea of being a missionary. The stories thrilled me, the adventure excited me. It seemed like the ultimate, extreme, adventure for Christ. Even as a young girl the idea was always exciting. But the one time I asked my Mom what she would think if I became one, her grin disappeared and she looked at me solemnly. "That's a hard life. It's not easy. You'd be far, FAR, from home." I told her I knew it'd be hard but she merely repeated her words. "It's not easy. You'd be far, far from home." So I ditched the idea as my own were much more appealing. My teenage thoughts of running off to Alaska sounded much better than traveling thousands of miles, living far from family, living on little to nothing, facing danger every day. Nah, Alaska was much better. Heck even Colorado or Australia would be better. Or so I though.
Even though I had just had an encounter with God about my calling, I still wasn't sure. I still had too much to deal with in my own life. Things I wasn't ready to deal with and didn't' ever want to deal with. I often wrote that my pain, my anger, my hatred, defined me as a person. That without it I wouldn't be me anymore. I was wrong. It was because I had those that I wasn't who God had made me to be. They were preventing me from being me. They had polluted the real me and changed me into something totally different. It took me a long time to realize it. But wait, that's not for now. That comes a little later. I've got to continue where I left off.
That encounter got me thinking, got change starting. When my Mom talked about all the new exciting things she was learning, I listened. I listened and absorbed it all. I didn't like it. I hated it. But I listened anyway. I still resented her, still disliked her, still felt anger towards her and several others. But slowly, ever so slowly, God was breaking down the walls around my heart. Things were in motion that I could never undo. I just didn't realize it at the time.
Till next time
After escaping that bout with depression and another "low" point, I was trying to picture myself in the future. What type of job? Where would I be? So I sat on my bed staring at the wall to eliminate distractions and closed my eyes. The room was silent, I was alone. A perfect place to meet with God. I thought about it, asked God to show me, to enlighten me and he did. I always did have problems envisioning myself in a cubicle, office, classroom, store, at home. I just couldn't get the image I was longing for. So when God did give me a vision, it didn't take me by surprise that I wasn't in any of those places. No, you didn't read that wrong. It's true. I wasn't in any office, classroom, cubicle, store, etc. No. I was in some rural village (Africa maybe?), a small shack behind me (or a hut), the ground was dusty and pure dirt not a single blade of grass lay beneath my feet. Children clustered about me, anxiously awaiting their turns for I wasn't simply standing there. I was spinning in circles, twirling young children around as we both smiled and laughed. My hair was flying around loosely behind me and I seemed not to care. I wore a long skirt which should have bothered me in the hot sun, but it didn't. I didn't care. I was HAPPY. Key word there, HAPPY!
After that it didn't take me long to figure out my calling in life. A mere second to be exact.
Missions.
I had always loved the idea of being a missionary. The stories thrilled me, the adventure excited me. It seemed like the ultimate, extreme, adventure for Christ. Even as a young girl the idea was always exciting. But the one time I asked my Mom what she would think if I became one, her grin disappeared and she looked at me solemnly. "That's a hard life. It's not easy. You'd be far, FAR, from home." I told her I knew it'd be hard but she merely repeated her words. "It's not easy. You'd be far, far from home." So I ditched the idea as my own were much more appealing. My teenage thoughts of running off to Alaska sounded much better than traveling thousands of miles, living far from family, living on little to nothing, facing danger every day. Nah, Alaska was much better. Heck even Colorado or Australia would be better. Or so I though.
Even though I had just had an encounter with God about my calling, I still wasn't sure. I still had too much to deal with in my own life. Things I wasn't ready to deal with and didn't' ever want to deal with. I often wrote that my pain, my anger, my hatred, defined me as a person. That without it I wouldn't be me anymore. I was wrong. It was because I had those that I wasn't who God had made me to be. They were preventing me from being me. They had polluted the real me and changed me into something totally different. It took me a long time to realize it. But wait, that's not for now. That comes a little later. I've got to continue where I left off.
That encounter got me thinking, got change starting. When my Mom talked about all the new exciting things she was learning, I listened. I listened and absorbed it all. I didn't like it. I hated it. But I listened anyway. I still resented her, still disliked her, still felt anger towards her and several others. But slowly, ever so slowly, God was breaking down the walls around my heart. Things were in motion that I could never undo. I just didn't realize it at the time.
Till next time
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ineffable! (#1)
OMG!
1. I can't believe I just wrote that.
2. That's exactly how I feel! :) I feel like screaming and jumping for joy! I'm so pumped it's crazy! I can't wait to get out in the world!
Okay, maybe I should backtrack a little. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Maybe I should make this a little series so that it doesn't take up fifty billion pages. :)
Now. Where to begin? The beginning sounds like a decent place. :) (Jeesh, calm down! Enough with the smiley faces. Breathe. Breathe. There, much better) So, the past few years have been a pretty rough time for me. Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. This blog is evidence enough. :| Well I've got some great news for you, THINGS ARE CHANGING! Well duh. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Oh Well. Doesn't matter, I'm about to now! :) (GAH! I said enough!...Sorry...will try not to smile...)
A few months ago I was pretty frustrated with this little thing called "High School Graduation". I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, where I was going and often felt completely alone in the world. I played with several ideas, ranging from go to a Christian Internship to run away to Alaska and hide out there. (As if the wilderness could hide me from God!) I felt so lost and alone and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My friends were all either busy with their own lives or struggling through their own problems. None of them would need my problems to add to their own burdens. So I bottled it up and left it on the back shelf of my heart. As I did everything I didn't want to deal with. Then back in August I reached a low point. I was sitting in my room, Senior Year was about to start and I was freaking out as I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. Finally, I called out to God. But I felt like I wasn't getting enough, like I had too many distractions so I went outside, took my Zune with me, played some music and started talking to God out loud. I hadn't even gone very far when the song "I'm Counting on God" by the Desperation Band began to play. It wasn't even on my playlist. :) I started laughing saying "Okay God. I get the picture! Okay God! I've got it!" I put aside all my worries about the future, things I shouldn't have even been worrying about in the first place and simply gave it all to God. That was the first thing I have ever truly given to God. My Future.
I continued on the next few weeks, worry creeping back every now and then but something within me always knew that it'd be okay. Then one day I sat down on my bed and began to think. I had just barely survived another low point of mine. Escaping with a few new scars, sadly self inflicted ones. Below are a few pictures I took over the past few months. It really began over a year ago, but this past year was the worst for it. Sadly I do not have an updated picture but the row of "lines" across my hand now spans the entire length of the back of my hand. The bottom picture was one of the first pictures I took. Shortly after I first began my experiments with pencils. The middle one is the latest one I have to show you, but it was taken several months ago. Probably back in July. The first one was taken in mid May. However the one that matters the most is the middle one. The one that shows the best what it's like. As that one shows not only two very recent ones but several other ones that were in the works of becoming true scars. Many have faded, but are still quite visible in good light and when compared with my right hand. :| The line that appears to stretch across the back of my hand in the 2nd one really only goes about half way. It's just the angle the picture was taken at. Now, as I sit here typing, the line stops just shy of an inch from the far side of my hand.
Sigh. I think this is a decent place to stop for now. This post is already long enough but really, I'm just beginning. Pictures of my depressed self's "actions" are not really the most memorable things to look at. Although I am glad I took them. Other than the scars on my hand, they give me a great reminder at how far I sunk.
1. I can't believe I just wrote that.
2. That's exactly how I feel! :) I feel like screaming and jumping for joy! I'm so pumped it's crazy! I can't wait to get out in the world!
Okay, maybe I should backtrack a little. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Maybe I should make this a little series so that it doesn't take up fifty billion pages. :)
Now. Where to begin? The beginning sounds like a decent place. :) (Jeesh, calm down! Enough with the smiley faces. Breathe. Breathe. There, much better) So, the past few years have been a pretty rough time for me. Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. This blog is evidence enough. :| Well I've got some great news for you, THINGS ARE CHANGING! Well duh. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Oh Well. Doesn't matter, I'm about to now! :) (GAH! I said enough!...Sorry...will try not to smile...)
A few months ago I was pretty frustrated with this little thing called "High School Graduation". I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, where I was going and often felt completely alone in the world. I played with several ideas, ranging from go to a Christian Internship to run away to Alaska and hide out there. (As if the wilderness could hide me from God!) I felt so lost and alone and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My friends were all either busy with their own lives or struggling through their own problems. None of them would need my problems to add to their own burdens. So I bottled it up and left it on the back shelf of my heart. As I did everything I didn't want to deal with. Then back in August I reached a low point. I was sitting in my room, Senior Year was about to start and I was freaking out as I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. Finally, I called out to God. But I felt like I wasn't getting enough, like I had too many distractions so I went outside, took my Zune with me, played some music and started talking to God out loud. I hadn't even gone very far when the song "I'm Counting on God" by the Desperation Band began to play. It wasn't even on my playlist. :) I started laughing saying "Okay God. I get the picture! Okay God! I've got it!" I put aside all my worries about the future, things I shouldn't have even been worrying about in the first place and simply gave it all to God. That was the first thing I have ever truly given to God. My Future.
I continued on the next few weeks, worry creeping back every now and then but something within me always knew that it'd be okay. Then one day I sat down on my bed and began to think. I had just barely survived another low point of mine. Escaping with a few new scars, sadly self inflicted ones. Below are a few pictures I took over the past few months. It really began over a year ago, but this past year was the worst for it. Sadly I do not have an updated picture but the row of "lines" across my hand now spans the entire length of the back of my hand. The bottom picture was one of the first pictures I took. Shortly after I first began my experiments with pencils. The middle one is the latest one I have to show you, but it was taken several months ago. Probably back in July. The first one was taken in mid May. However the one that matters the most is the middle one. The one that shows the best what it's like. As that one shows not only two very recent ones but several other ones that were in the works of becoming true scars. Many have faded, but are still quite visible in good light and when compared with my right hand. :| The line that appears to stretch across the back of my hand in the 2nd one really only goes about half way. It's just the angle the picture was taken at. Now, as I sit here typing, the line stops just shy of an inch from the far side of my hand.
Sigh. I think this is a decent place to stop for now. This post is already long enough but really, I'm just beginning. Pictures of my depressed self's "actions" are not really the most memorable things to look at. Although I am glad I took them. Other than the scars on my hand, they give me a great reminder at how far I sunk.
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