Where Have All the Men Gone?

Daddy problems. Or Lack of "Daddy", problems. This last weekend I went up north to my cousin's wedding, she danced with her "daddy", walked down the aisle with her "daddy", had her "daddy" speak to everyone, and they even had a "daddy & daughter" dance where all the dads went out and danced with their little girls.

I had to fight back the tears and hide my face behind my baby cousin so my Mom wouldn't see.

Today, they talked about Dads in class, and about how little girls just want them to be there to hold them, tell them everything is going to be okay, and to ask who they need to go beat up.

Once again I had to fight back tears from my classmates as all those emotions from the previous two days flooded through me. Immediately after class I hoped in my car and drove. I drove for a solid 2 hours, out into the wilderness, exploring the the edges of the roads, following paths until the three lane black top road turned to a one way gravel trail. Some 2 hours later I finally returned, bleary eyed, tired, feeling down, lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, and slightly depressed.

I spent the day laying on the couch watching Disney movies, mopping around the apartment and trying to be happy. I munched on comfort foods, all with way too many calories and lounged around some more. At some point Carter showed up and made me food, and we watched a movie. Toy Story. One I had watched only a few hours earlier.

I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to listen to anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone. I didn't want to even talk to God about it, knowing full well what he'd say to me. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted my family. My real family. I wanted my brothers to hug me and tell me I'd be okay. I wanted my Dad to love me. I wanted my Grandfathers to be alive and to actually care about me.



It's hard, having no father figure in your life. Not even a Grandfather. Nor an older brother around to comfort you and hug you and ask who they need to go beat up.

Sigh, where have all the men disappeared to? Why are there none in my life? No Fathers. No Brothers. No Grandfathers. None.

Who Am I

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

Who am I, to question your motivation.
The reasoning behind your call
whether I'm worthy or not.
If I deserve the blessing?

Anew Direction

a·new/əˈn(y)o͞o/

Adverb:	In a new or different, typically more positive, way. Once more; again.
Synonyms:	again - afresh - newly - once more

Patience

One thing my generation is lacking, is patience. We want everything immediately. And if we don't already have it in our hands by the time we think of it, we get frustrated. I'm guilty of it too. I've heard some of the older folk talking about how we got this way. They blame the technology, and if you think about it. They're right. Microwaves give us food in minutes that would normally take 5-10x as long-or longer. Phones allow us instant contact with our loved ones. The Internet gives us the ability to find information almost instantly. Honestly, it's sad. Especially when patience becomes a forgotten virtue.

Desires of My Heart

I thought I had to give up all my dreams to follow your plan God. But I was wrong, you want me to have dreams. That’s what that message was all about. “I have a dream” But that’s my problem right now. I gave up all my dreams and sit here empty handed. So God, here’s my dream. A lifelong dream, something I will hold onto for years to come. Not only do I dream of following after you and helping people into your kingdom. That’s obviously the top dream of mine. But Lord, you want me to have my own dream. My own personal dream. So Lord, here it is. I dream of writing books. Yes Lord that’s it. I dream of writing books and  reaching people….

Confirmation ?

Confirmation, where do I get it? How can I get it? How do I know, for sure, that this is what he's telling me? I think he's saying one thing, but then I don't know for sure if it's just me or not. Like, is this just a physical desire and not something sent from God? How am I to know?

Into the Field

That's what I'm wanting, to go out into the field. Am I ready? Now that's something else entirely. All I know is that I want to go. I've been wanting to do this for years, since I went to Mexico back in 2007. My only problem is that I've never been ready. Now, its not only me saying "I'm not ready" My own mother has said the same thing "You're not ready yet, give it some time." People are worried that I'll get there and then freak out because of the stuff I'm seeing. But that still doesn't keep me from wanting to go. I can't help it, the desire is there. The urge is there. I've begged God to just send me. But...it's not the right time.

Unexplainable Happiness

Something's moving, something's changing. See his glory. Feels like Heaven on Earth. 

Yes I did sing the above over and over again for nearly an hour. As well as sang "Blessed Be Your Name" Man, I don't know what's going on here! I'm so happy, it's just unexplainable! I made my usual video for Alana and she just laughed and told me "Hon, that unexplainable happiness is the holy spirit" Or you know, something along those lines. :) I'm so hyped up I can't even think straight. All I know is that my body is moving along with this song and I'm just....going crazy. 

I've never been like this and DANG! I'm just enjoying it over here! 

I can't stop moving. I can't stop singing. This is just me. And I'm loving it. 

Not Yet

"Not yet" How many times have I heard those words these past few years? Too many. Most people I know are hesitant about jumping into things like this. But me, I'm excited. So excited I can hardly sit still and often miss God's voice telling me to cool down. Slow down. Wait. Be patient. That's the thing, I don't want to wait. I don't want to be patient. I want to go, NOW!

Deciphering Dreams

The other day I had a dream, why I had this dream I don't know. I used to remember more about the dream, but since I never wrote it down it's somehow managed to vanish. All I remember now is that I was running. Running away from this guy that I "loved" I didn't want him to find me and I was trying my best to hide.

What She Doesn't Know

I was going to write out this elaborate post on my Partner in Crime and who she was/is. But then I decided that that was pretty cliche and a little too cheesy for my liking. So instead I'm writing this. A bunch of random words that don't exactly make any sense. But then again, if I were to start writing how we truly act around each other, it wouldn't make any sense to anyone else either. So, which do I pick? Something that makes sense to one person and no one else? Or something that makes sense to no one?

Scattered Thoughts

Sista and I sat outside tonight talking, just talking. It was nice. Who cares if it's you know 2am, it was still nice. We talked about, well everything. Things about "Dad", to L and J to school to emotions to depression to cutting to suicidal behaviors to deployment to whatever else came to our minds. I don't have any real sisters to talk to about those things, so I'm SO glad that J married someone that I could actually talk to. These past few days with them here has been wonderful. I've missed them like crazy, yet at the same time I'm kind of glad that they're gone/leaving. It's nice to be able to explore the world on my own. I may be completely broke and a poor, jobless college student. But hey, at least I'm giving life a go, right?

There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....

Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?

That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"

That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.

That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?

Emotionless

I did it. I went and saw him, face to face, and told him. Apparently it means a lot to him. Apparently J hasn't even told him that. So why did I do it again? Good question. I'm starting to wonder that myself.

No wait, it's because I had to. It was just something I had to do, something I needed to do before I could move on with my life. I'm still not ready for him to jump back in, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. But hey, at least I went, saw him, and told him face to face. At least I wasn't a freaking coward and did it through a dumb applesauce letter. Like the jerk did so many years ago when he just up and disappeared in the middle of the night.

.....obviously I'm still not pleased with him. Obviously I'm still hurt and upset. But that's something different. It's a start at least. Forgiveness isn't something that happens overnight. But to be honest, over the past few months things have started to ease up a bit. I know it takes time, and that eventually I will be able to think of him and what he did without feeling so...hurt.

Before I went, everyone kept asking me how I was doing, how I was feeling. And now that it's over I'm getting asked again. But to be honest, I'm kind of emotionless about the whole thing. I don't really have any feelings towards, anything. I didn't have any expectations going into it. And it didn't matter anyway, everything was just blah. I don't know why I'm so emotionless about this whole thing. I don't know why I don't have any feelings toward this. Towards him. Towards anything related to this whole experience. I simply don't. None whatsoever.

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if something's wrong with me.

The Gift

I was given a gift, but what did I do with it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never used it to glorify him, I never thanked the one who had given it to me. Instead I used it to argue with him, to show how far I had fallen away from him. I used it as an escape from reality. A way to run away from all the pain and anger I felt, not just towards him, but towards the world. I never thanked him for it, and always complained about it. Constantly saying how much I failed at it. How I wish I was better, how I wish I had a different gift. But no, you can't change your gift. You can't get rid of it, hide it, trade it in for a better one. Nope, you just have to learn to accept what he gave you. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I know I'm not perfect, I know I make mistakes. But at least I'm trying. You have to give me that.

Thou Shalt Plan No More

Who am I kidding? I have no idea why I am here, other than the fact that this is the place I'm supposed to be in. Now how do I know that? That's just the thing, I don't know. I just "know" that this is right. See, back when I was planning for this next step, the thing I'm doing right now, I compared several different options and was about to pursue them when I realized it was all wrong. Then I found this one, and for the first time in years, I felt at peace about my decision. I knew that this was the right step for me. Plus, I had several dreams after making that decision that further confirmed that Yes, this is the right step. I like it when dreams do that, when they confirm something for you. It's always helpful, and comforting to know that someone up there is agreeing with what you're planning for your life. Although, I bet he always knew I'd come down here. Rather than head on over to those other places. Like you know, Biola-Northwestern-DLA. Although, I still wouldn't mind going to DLA. It's just not the place for me. I was meant to come here, but anything beyond that...well I still haven't gotten that far yet.

I like to plan things, to figure out what I want before it happens. Well lately, God's been trying to get me to stop planning things. To just trust him and to go with the flow. That's hard for me, its a daily challenge to not stop and start planning what I'm going to do after college is over. Dude! I just got here, why am I already planning what I'm going to do once I'm done with school? Now that's just crazy. But, well. You know me. I'm that crazy one that plans things that won't ever happen. But hey, a girl can always dream right? RIGHT?

Tell Me

Tell me that everything's going to be alright. Tell me that you know what you're doing. Tell me that you'll provide. Ease my troubled heart tonight, O'Lord. Let me feel your presence and know that you are GOD and that you will never leave my side.

Journaling

I'm here. I know this is where I belong. But why? Why me? And don't give me that "why not?" crap. I need a legit answer. something more than "because I called you here" "What more do you need?" God, I just don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

 All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to stay strong. No crying here. I can't be vulnerable. My roomie M2 was right, I don't like being vulnerable. I can't open up my heart because I'm afraid to...to get hurt again. I just can't. God. too many people have walked away, abandoned me. Why would this time be any different? what makes this school so dang special? How do I know that these people will be any different? They don't know me, they don't know who I am or where I've been. And what's worse is that, they've been through worse yet here they are passing me by.

 God? who the frick am I? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I feel so unloved and unworthy? I deserve better. I deserve something more. But this, this is all I know. All I've ever known. This inferiority its, it's something I don't know how to deal with. Why I don't feel like God can...I feel this way because I rejected him. I shunned him, hated, despised him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I tried to move on to do it myself. To be my own savior. It's not working it never worked to begin with. So why did I keep at it? Good question. Why am I so selfish all the time. So vain as to think it's all about me. It's clearly not. God, I can't do this anymore. I just can't keep running and hiding. I can't keep this charade up any longer. Look God I'm sorry okay? I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm foolish okay! There I said it. I'm a foolish naive young girl who has no idea what she's doing. Happy now?

 How'd I know you would say no? You won't be happy till I'm back with you. Completely and 100% yours. I sound and act the same. Even when worried, happy, sad, upset, excited, mad, bitter. My moods change minutely or rather the outward appearance does. But my walls are finally cracking and now, I don't know where I want to be, but getting there is my problem. At least my roommates have come to "peace" about things. Yet I can't. Why? It's so simple really. I don't want to let go of my anger. It's all I know. The one thing that's remained constant throughout my life. Even though it was based on inconsistent things. I hate change. I hate the unknown. And that's right where god put me. Smack dab in the middle of the great unknown. Cause then I have to rely on him. Even when I don't want to...sigh.

 I was going to blog. My computer has been commandeered (I'm boring my roomie's computer) by God to teach me a thing or two. I don't like these teaching times. Especially when I know what needs doing. This time it's read my bible and pray. But I'm resisting, I know-BAD Molly, BAD! But it's not.

Dang this isn't good. I'm starting to...no I'm not! I am clean and free of all demonic spirits. I have been set free and this temple is bolted down. NO evil spirit shall ever set up camp in here again. Why am I such an idiot? Why? Why do i refuse to accept what I know to be true? What's been ingrained in me since day one? Oh God, what have I done to myself?

 BREATHE

 Just breathe M. Breathe. I know it's hard but we can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me" What happened to that girl? The one who was so excited and couldn't wait and never wanted to leave? Who could feel his presence? The one who was touched by an angel-who was hugged when they needed it most. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. God how do I trust you? How do I stop this nonsense? I still feel like I did so many years ago. Like somewhere out there-aka across the room-is someone whose problems are worse than mine. They deserve God more. What did she ever do wrong? I slammed the door in his face. I hated him, despised him,. I wanted nothing to do with God-I backed out on him. I deserve none of it. G2 said we didn't deserve any of it. But at least some people deserve God's help more than others. Starving children in Africa. you get the idea.

 BREATHE

 It's going to be okay....... .......it has to be.....

Not. Backing. Down

Clearly, I'm making the right decision here. Coming to College. Why else would the devil try so hard these past few weeks to hold me back. Heck, he's even trying right now. But what he doesn't know, is that I'm not backing down. I don't care what he throws my way. I will NOT give up on this. I will pursue God's calling on my life no matter what the devil throws my way. I refuse to back down.

I am Blessed

Since no one really reads this, it probably doesn't matter. But earlier today I was attempting to find a new template for this blog. I tried several before realizing that the one I have now works just fine. Even though it looks like a barren waste land. I will just have to deal with it for a bit longer. At least until I can figure out what the heck I am doing.

But here's one thing, one good thing at least. I found out a few minutes ago that my financial burden has been somewhat lifted. Not only will I be receiving 110 back from my apartment deposit, but I have also received a 4th roommate. Saving me about $50 each month. I guess someone up there thinks I am deserving.

Thank you God!

Believe It

I know that God will provide, or at least I thought I knew. Lately, I find myself repeating it and repeating it and even writing it on my arm, putting it as my phone banner, etc. It's literally everywhere. But at the same time, I just don't believe it. I find it hard to believe that God can...well not that he "can" provide. I know he's capable but I find myself, well. Feeling unworthy of being provided for. If that even makes sense.

Yesterday as I was driving home I thought about everything I had witnessed in the past few months. People I know have been giving God their finances and suddenly everything's falling into place. They have the money, they aren't worried and they can afford to go to school. Me, I'm the one who's sitting in her room with a calculator nervously analyzing every little detail hoping that I can actually afford this whole school thing. I haven't actually given it up to God. I've said it, but then I go right back and start planning again and analyzing. It doesn't work like that. If I "give" something to God then I have to stop worrying and just trust that he'll make it all work. 

That's where I've failed. 

So as I was driving I had a conversation with God. And came to the realization that I simply don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy enough to deserve support or provision. All my life I've wandered around feeling unworthy of, well just about anything. I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be loved, provided for, cared about, worried about. Really I just don't feel good enough for anything. And I know that's now how it's supposed to be. I know that it's "not true" but I can't get that idea out of my head. 

I'm trying to believe it. I'm trying to believe that I am in fact good enough to be supported and provided for. That I do deserve to be loved and cared about. So to make myself believe it, I'm going on a fast. A 21 day fast. Why the 21 day fast, because it's really the only fast I know. I guess I could do just about anything, but I think I'll stick with what I know. At least for now. So 21 days it is. Basically what this fast is, is you go 1 week with just liquids. Preferably no soda, sports drinks, etc. Then its 2 weeks of just fruit and vegetables. Oh and liquids. You can still drink. Cause you know, that's kind of important. 

But what I'm supposed to do is when I would be eating a meal, I'm supposed to sit there and meditate on the word or pray to God. Every time I've tried this fast, I've failed. I blame the fact that... never mind. I can't make excuses. The real reason I fail is because I'm simply a wimp. I give up way too quickly. But this time, this time I want it to be different. I don't care if I'm moving in 12 days. The other 9 days of the fast can take place at school. That's not a big deal. Anyways, I've never actually done the whole pray and meditate on God's word aspect of this fast so I think I'm going to try that this time around. See how it goes. 

Right now, my only prayer is that I make it through the day.