Desperation

I sit 

my heart pounding;

and stare

the paths before me

empty and bare

chose one

a voice whispers

just one

thats all it takes

promises of a bright future await

Thats where I sit tonight, staring down the empty paths before me. Trying to figure out which one's meant for me. Two large branches lay before me, each with their own side streets. Choose one, and then another one...that's all it really takes. It should be so easy, so very easy. But its not, it never has been. How am I ever supposed to choose? 

The paths...they are like two opposites, two things I'm forced to choose between. Everyone thinks it should be easy, so easy. After all a good Christian kid like me, there's really only one option right? A christian school and a life pursuing God. but that's my problem, because its what everyone expects, I just can't force myself to do it. I'm tried of being the person everyone expects me to be, people like that are simply ignored. No one bothers to pay attention to someone who never changes, who's always the same and totally predictable. Why bother, they are the same all the time right? Well not anymore, I dont want to be that way. After being ignored forever, I'm just wanting a little attention. To feel like I belong, like people actually care. And that's why this choosing is so dang hard. 

Do I go with what's right, what the proper thing would be to do? Or do I take a slightly alternative route, going with what I desire.

I'm desperate. I don't know where to turn. I'm stuck, staring at these paths feeling all alone. My hearts beating fast, it knows the time is soon. Soon, too soon, I'll have to choose. Why can't I just wait? Isn't there some short cut, a mid-way mark? Why do I have to choose now? My times almost up, I've got nowhere to turn. Left? Right? Straight? Wait? What do I do? I'm desperate for an answer! I'm dying for a little light, I can't see the next step. What is it? How far do I go? Is there any going back? What if I mess up? Can I turn back? How am I ever going to do this? Will I survive? Will I ever make it through this? GAH! Why won't someone just tell me, I'm dying here! I'm DESPERATE FOR AN ANSWER! 

Writing & Editing

Lately I've been obsessed with writing. Thankfully this is actually a good hobby for me as I NEED to write. I need it to escape my mind, to disappear into a world that I weave right before my very eyes. I need this, because without...well, I don't like to think about what happens without it. You probably already know the answer to that one and if not. Here's a hint. I haven't written much in the past 4+ months. So if you've read my blog, then you know what's happened in those months.

All I've done since putting together my new Desk is sit at my desk and type. Type about anything, but mostly type out the novel that is rapidly spinning through my head. I have several "novels" going through my head at any given moment. Lately there have been 3 major ones. 2 of them are ones I wish I could publish, and HOPE to publish and the third is a dream-story. Its a story that's developed while I was sleeping, the dreams are all connected. With the same characters, locations, desires, etc. Its all the same. I have written down the 3 current dreams I've had about this particular story and the other 2. Well one's still in the process of being "processed" by my brain while the other needs to be finished and edited. Which is what I've been attempting to do these past 2 days. I really am pretty excited about it, and since I'm excited it takes my mind off of other things. Which is exactly what I've needed for a long time now.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I failed. I really did. My hand still burns/itches and its QUITE visible. But really, only part of me regrets it. Sure it hurts and sure its stupid and dumb and careless. But the other part of me is glad that its there. It reminds me of what's happened and reminds me of how far I've sunk in the past. Certainly the argument "well shouldn't the others have done that?" will come up as this one is at least 1-2 months newer than the older ones. (Which have healed surprising well and are even beginning to fade AMAZING!) I'm on the climb again, thanks mostly to my greatly increased grades and my sudden enthusiasm for writing once again. I just don't feel like me when I'm not writing. Especially when I WANT to write, and just can't find the enthusiasm that I so desperately want. Oh how great it feels to be writing & reading again. I haven't read much lately either and now that I am I've found how much I've missed it---and how greatly it helps with my writing. :) And now I'm a bit too excited about writing to continue this post. I must go and continue my writing and editing.

Failure

I failed. I can't believe I failed. Once again, I've sunken back into the pit of despair. The pit of depression. And once again I'm struggling to climb out.

I recently realized that the "scars" on my hands were formed while I was sitting in the very bottom of my pit. As soon as I hit rock bottom, the "scars" began to "form". I recently realized how strong the emotions: the pain, hate, anger, frustration, worthlessness feelings really were. If you haven't guess already, I've recently been there.

I thought I was doing good. I was on the climb upwards again, and we all know how hard that is. Simply standing up, reaching, and believing that we CAN climb out is the first--seemingly impossible--step. Well I took that step and good a little ways up. But it seems like with every 6 inches I climb I fall back 5. However, recently, I fell back more than 5. I fell back down to the bottom. To the pit which I had struggled so hard to get out of. And I found myself back at rock bottom. And I couldn't take it. I just couldn't take it. And...I gave in. I gave in to the pain...the emotions and...I...I "received" another "scar". I didn't mean to, and I regret it. But...I have one. And I can't take it back now. Its there, and its there to stay. I really wish it wasn't, but alas, it is.

And here I remain. Feeling like a failure, like I've let down the entire world. When in reality only 2 people even know of it. So how have I failed the world when really...I've only failed to keep a promise to...what, two people? One of them being me. So is it really that big of a deal? To me, YES! I'm trying. I really am trying to escape this pit. But its hard, or so hard! I want to get better, not just for me but for my friends and family. I've promised them all (some literally, and others in my mind) that I would try. That I would do better, that I wouldn't give in again. But here I am, giving in. Here I am, a failure to all. Yet none of them know. If only they knew, then they' see how terribly I've failed them once again.