He's Jealous?

He's jealous? How in the world is he jealous of ME! Of MY relationship with God! How?! There is absolutely nothing to be jealous of, yet he's jealous. But then again, I guess we don't talk too much anymore so he wouldn't know that that very relationship he's so jealous of, is sorta...kinda...slipping down the drain. To be honest, only a small handful of people actually know about that. I try my best to keep it hidden while I try to figure this whole thing out. But really, he's jealous of it. Why?

*Sigh* He's jealous of something that no longer is. He's jealous of the relationship I used to have. And now, more than ever I want him to go. To just get away. To leave. To go back to his home. To stay out of my life. To stay away. It won't be long before he's overseas for the military anyway. So its not like I have to wait too long. But I just can't take it anymore, him being here. Every moment he's here is like a slap in the face. It reminds me of all the failed relationships I have, of all the things I've shoved away. Hidden in the dark corners of my heart. He brings them all back to the surface to show their faces, to remind me of their existence. He's not aware of it, but he does it. Every time he comes back into my life he does that to me. And I don't know how to get away from it all.

He still believes that we have a great relationship. That he knows me, understands me, that I trust him with things. But what he doesn't know is that that is a thing of the past. He's on a one way street now. He's gone, he's lost his role in my life. I love him. I always will, he's my older brother. But trust him? Tell him things no one else knows? Talk to him about life? I just can't go there again. That's gone, the moment he ditched L and I was the moment I pushed him away. And slowly, ever so slowly since that day...I've been pushing him. Further and further away. He's just like those bad memories and failed relationships, things I keep hidden in the darkest corners of my heart. I don't think I need to list those things. They are probably quite obvious enough. Really all I need to say are "Mother" "Father" "God" "J" and there ya go. All those things I keep hidden revolve around those four simple words. Those "innocent" little lines on my hand...fall under one or more of those categories right there. Really, just about everything fits under those four words. *Sigh* He just needs to leave. He's been here too long. It's time for him to go.

Letting Go

Do I just give up? Let it all go and throw away my dreams, plans, goals for the future? Is that what I am to do? How can I do this when everything I've ever known, ever wanted lies here in the United States. It's all connected, all intertwined with my future. These plans I've made map out my life forever. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted with my life and then here God comes throwing this all at me at once. Okay it wasn't really at once. The idea has been there for years, always hiding out in the back of my mind. It wasn't until this summer that I realized that THIS is what I'm meant to do. But now that I know, I'm finding it hard to let go. To accept it and the changes it brings along. How can I? I love change, don't get me wrong. But now I'm having to let go of my dreams. I've found that compromising with God isn't really an option. I either accept his calling and complete immerse myself in it or I can attempt to run. Which we all know won't work. It never works.

It took me long enough to give up my other dreams, but now this? Now I have to give up the one thing I've wanted, dreamed of, desired with all my heart. The one thing that would give me a chance to explore the world, help others, and learn who I am...has just been removed from my world. WHAT?! WHY? HOW? This is so not fair.

And Now I'm reminded of that all too familiar saying "Life's not fair" Of course its not. It never was and never will be. I just wish it was a little more fair than it currently is. I can't do this. This thing. I don't even know what it is. Yet somehow. Someway I'm doing it. Why? How? Can't I ever stop?

I'm such a hypocrite. I say I want to be a missionary. I feel like I'm called to be one. I'd love to be one. The thrill. The adventure. I'd gladly take it on. Leaving the US for another country...to LIVE to become a citizen of? Sure why not? Sign me up. Play with banana leaf and trash balls? Hug Orphans? Sell most of my belongings? Dress in Rags? Wear tattered and torn sandals? Eat beans and rice day after day? Walk instead of drive? Take cold bucket showers? Sleep on cement floors? Carry all I own in an over sized backpack? Sure I'll do it! In fact I'd be thrilled to do that. But tell me I can't be a Peace Corp Volunteer? That's when the complaining and frustration begins. That's when the "this isn't far!" whining begins. And then, then I feel selfish. I feel as if I'm trying to shove my way upon God. To tell him what I'm doing rather than ask him what he wants me to do. I feel as if I can't possibly be good enough for him. I feel as if I'll fail miserably at the whole missionary thing. I feel as if I'll get terrified out of my wits as soon as I'm actually there. I feel as if I dont trust God enough, don't know him well enough to help others figure out this thing. I feel as if I don't know what Grace is. So how in the world am I supposed to show others what it is? I feel like a fake. A liar. A phony. Day in and Day out I wander along this path I'm set on, wondering what happened. Where'd my life go? Why, how did I become such a hypocrite? Such a phony? Where'd I go wrong? When did I lose touch with God? When did I fall away, when did put God on the back burner? I just don't get it. I mean, after growing up in a Christian home with a Christian mother who cares and a great Church Family I'm left like this.

Sigh. How am I ever going to embrace this calling when I can't even embrace myself? How can I love others when I can't even love myself? How can I forgive others when I can't even forgive myself? How can I tell others about God when I don't even feel like I know him very well? How can I do these things when my own life is in such shambles?

College? DLA? Bible College? Mission Field? Sigh. This is too much for me. I need to learn to let go. To just give all up to God. To Count on God. To know that he is there, that is watching over me. To trust him with every aspect of my life. But that doesn't simply happen overnight.

Mother & I

She pretends to hate me sometimes. I don't have to pretend.

When I said I was fine....

...I lied. I'm not. I'm no where even close to that.

I try to push the thoughts away but they just sit there. Torturing me every freaking second of the day. I'll simply sit, and stare blankly about the room. Not at anything in particular. My mind remains empty, save for those stupid annoying I would prefer if they never crossed my mind again thoughts. In fact, every time I write a post...or heck even read one of the last two I've written. I have to fight the tears. I can't let on that I'm this frustrated over ...(rubs eyes and takes several deep breaths)...over this whole thing. I'd prefer if he just left already. Please, dont make me .....just don't make me have to go through this again. I beg you. All I need to do is survive another 336 days. That's it. Then I'm free to go. Then I can leave and never have to worry about going through this again.

God. I'm sorry I lied to all of you. But apparently I'm not sorry enough to stop. So next time you ask how I am, and I say "I'm fine" Don't believe me. I'll be lying to you.

Why did he have to come back?

It would have been easier had he stayed away, now I’m forced to remember all those painful memories. And worse yet, left alone to deal with them. They don’t see it. They can’t. They are too busy with their own screwed up lives to notice the one that’s ever so slowly slipping down the drain. If only they’d open their eyes, care enough to find out if what I’m telling them is actually true. If only they’d ask “How are you REALLY?” Then maybe they’d learn, maybe they’d care. Maybe I wouldn’t be left sitting here.

All the things I long to tell him, I can't. I've been forbidden from it. The things that kill me to have to hide, to keep secret, to keep hidden....are the things I'd long to tell him. But I can't.

She's stolen my best friend from me. The only one who ever truly understood me. Who cared. Now he's gone. Maybe not physically (though he will be soon) but emotionally. That connection we once had is gone. All because of her. And she wonders why I despise her. Why I argue with her. Why I count down the days till I'm free of HER. Yet for some odd reason people continue to think that it will all just disappear once I'm out of the house. It wont. We are incapable of getting along. I know that. She knows that. Yet she pretends that she doesn't. She pretends that I'm the daughter she always wanted, the one she dreamed of before I was born. She pretends that I'm the perfect child who does everything the way it should be. She imagines me as the little stay at home mom who does all these girly things...that's not me. I'm not the daughter she wanted. No, that task fell to my sister in law. The perfect daughter. The one she always dreamed of.

Its common knowledge that the middle child is always left hanging. The oldest does everything first. When they graduate its a first. When they turn 18 its a first. When they start driving its a first. Same with the youngest. When they start driving its a last, therefore much more emotional cause that means the children are growing up. When they graduate HS its another last, therefore another emotional event. But us middle children? Nothing we do is ever important, ever emotional. Why, cause its already been done and will be done again.

Josh this. Josh that. Josh this. Josh that. That's all I've heard these past 2 years. COME ON! Yes, he was a senior. yes it was his last year at home. BUT REALLY?!. "Ah, my baby boy is graduating HS!" Ah, he needs a graduation party. He's joining the military! He's got a girlfriend! He needs a going way party! Don't tell him anything bad, don't make him worry! He doesn't need that! Ah he's engaged! Ah he's graduating from Basic Training. HES MARRIED! I've got a married son! Don't worry him, he doesn't need that. I WANT TO SEE MY SON TOO! Spring Break Yeah I get to see my son again! (H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS! WHY ON EARTH DID I EVER AGREE TO GO ON A VACATION WITH HER!?) My boy's coming home! YEAH! Ah..he's leaving. I'm going to go cry for the billionth time.

I know that people in the military need support, they don't need to be worried. But seriously...does everything have to be about him all the freaking time! What about me? This is my year isn't it? I'm leaving home in less than 336 days...shouldn't it be "Me" sometimes? Nope. Instead it goes like this through her head every freaking second of the day. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Moll--no wait..change my mind--Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. "I feel like I'm forgetting someone...nevermind" Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. "Oh YEAH! Molly. She can wait." Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Luke. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Molly. Repeat.

Gah. I was fine, until he came home. Now I have to deal with all this crap once again. I had managed to forget it. Or at least shove the thoughts away so I didn't have to think about them. I can't now. I'm forced to confront them once again...just cause he's back and now I have daily reminders of all this crap. God, this isn't even all of it. But I can't keep typing...I dont want Jake to see my crying.