He's Jealous?

He's jealous? How in the world is he jealous of ME! Of MY relationship with God! How?! There is absolutely nothing to be jealous of, yet he's jealous. But then again, I guess we don't talk too much anymore so he wouldn't know that that very relationship he's so jealous of, is sorta...kinda...slipping down the drain. To be honest, only a small handful of people actually know about that. I try my best to keep it hidden while I try to figure this whole thing out. But really, he's jealous of it. Why?

*Sigh* He's jealous of something that no longer is. He's jealous of the relationship I used to have. And now, more than ever I want him to go. To just get away. To leave. To go back to his home. To stay out of my life. To stay away. It won't be long before he's overseas for the military anyway. So its not like I have to wait too long. But I just can't take it anymore, him being here. Every moment he's here is like a slap in the face. It reminds me of all the failed relationships I have, of all the things I've shoved away. Hidden in the dark corners of my heart. He brings them all back to the surface to show their faces, to remind me of their existence. He's not aware of it, but he does it. Every time he comes back into my life he does that to me. And I don't know how to get away from it all.

He still believes that we have a great relationship. That he knows me, understands me, that I trust him with things. But what he doesn't know is that that is a thing of the past. He's on a one way street now. He's gone, he's lost his role in my life. I love him. I always will, he's my older brother. But trust him? Tell him things no one else knows? Talk to him about life? I just can't go there again. That's gone, the moment he ditched L and I was the moment I pushed him away. And slowly, ever so slowly since that day...I've been pushing him. Further and further away. He's just like those bad memories and failed relationships, things I keep hidden in the darkest corners of my heart. I don't think I need to list those things. They are probably quite obvious enough. Really all I need to say are "Mother" "Father" "God" "J" and there ya go. All those things I keep hidden revolve around those four simple words. Those "innocent" little lines on my hand...fall under one or more of those categories right there. Really, just about everything fits under those four words. *Sigh* He just needs to leave. He's been here too long. It's time for him to go.