Letting Go

Do I just give up? Let it all go and throw away my dreams, plans, goals for the future? Is that what I am to do? How can I do this when everything I've ever known, ever wanted lies here in the United States. It's all connected, all intertwined with my future. These plans I've made map out my life forever. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted with my life and then here God comes throwing this all at me at once. Okay it wasn't really at once. The idea has been there for years, always hiding out in the back of my mind. It wasn't until this summer that I realized that THIS is what I'm meant to do. But now that I know, I'm finding it hard to let go. To accept it and the changes it brings along. How can I? I love change, don't get me wrong. But now I'm having to let go of my dreams. I've found that compromising with God isn't really an option. I either accept his calling and complete immerse myself in it or I can attempt to run. Which we all know won't work. It never works.

It took me long enough to give up my other dreams, but now this? Now I have to give up the one thing I've wanted, dreamed of, desired with all my heart. The one thing that would give me a chance to explore the world, help others, and learn who I am...has just been removed from my world. WHAT?! WHY? HOW? This is so not fair.

And Now I'm reminded of that all too familiar saying "Life's not fair" Of course its not. It never was and never will be. I just wish it was a little more fair than it currently is. I can't do this. This thing. I don't even know what it is. Yet somehow. Someway I'm doing it. Why? How? Can't I ever stop?

I'm such a hypocrite. I say I want to be a missionary. I feel like I'm called to be one. I'd love to be one. The thrill. The adventure. I'd gladly take it on. Leaving the US for another country...to LIVE to become a citizen of? Sure why not? Sign me up. Play with banana leaf and trash balls? Hug Orphans? Sell most of my belongings? Dress in Rags? Wear tattered and torn sandals? Eat beans and rice day after day? Walk instead of drive? Take cold bucket showers? Sleep on cement floors? Carry all I own in an over sized backpack? Sure I'll do it! In fact I'd be thrilled to do that. But tell me I can't be a Peace Corp Volunteer? That's when the complaining and frustration begins. That's when the "this isn't far!" whining begins. And then, then I feel selfish. I feel as if I'm trying to shove my way upon God. To tell him what I'm doing rather than ask him what he wants me to do. I feel as if I can't possibly be good enough for him. I feel as if I'll fail miserably at the whole missionary thing. I feel as if I'll get terrified out of my wits as soon as I'm actually there. I feel as if I dont trust God enough, don't know him well enough to help others figure out this thing. I feel as if I don't know what Grace is. So how in the world am I supposed to show others what it is? I feel like a fake. A liar. A phony. Day in and Day out I wander along this path I'm set on, wondering what happened. Where'd my life go? Why, how did I become such a hypocrite? Such a phony? Where'd I go wrong? When did I lose touch with God? When did I fall away, when did put God on the back burner? I just don't get it. I mean, after growing up in a Christian home with a Christian mother who cares and a great Church Family I'm left like this.

Sigh. How am I ever going to embrace this calling when I can't even embrace myself? How can I love others when I can't even love myself? How can I forgive others when I can't even forgive myself? How can I tell others about God when I don't even feel like I know him very well? How can I do these things when my own life is in such shambles?

College? DLA? Bible College? Mission Field? Sigh. This is too much for me. I need to learn to let go. To just give all up to God. To Count on God. To know that he is there, that is watching over me. To trust him with every aspect of my life. But that doesn't simply happen overnight.