Under Construction

Tonight a complete stranger took one look at me and said "You're a writer aren't you? You stand there quietly, taking everything in. You don't say much do you? But I bet you've got a lot to say. I can't wait to read your book"

Honestly, I didn't know how to respond. I kind of blushed a little, acted quite surprised by this and hurried on with my roomies. I mean, how do you respond to something like that? I don't know the guy, sure my roomie did but I don't. He graduated from my college and all, but that was quite a long time ago. Or at least, it sure seems like it.

I know I do have a lot to say, a lot I want to get out. I know that writing has always been my thing and that I could help people. That I could word things in such a way that it would just you know, click. But I don't know how to start. How does one start writing such a thing? I opened a word document but the blankness, the empty white space before me. How do I even begin to fill such a thing? How can I change the course of someone's life, change their thoughts, their ideas, their values when I myself am still under construction?

I know for a fact that I have a lot of work that needs doing, lots of projects in the works, and several areas of my life that are still blocked off by police tape--things that seriously need investigating. This isn't easy, I mean people think that going to a Bible college would mean everything's sunshine and rainbows when it comes to relationships with God. But it's not. In fact, it's probably harder than other things just because you are constantly under attack--spiritually. I've had some rough spots these past few months, this blog holds the proof.

Speaking of which, why did I even get on this thing? To see what it is I have written to begin with. To see where I've come from, to see where I'm headed.

Crap--Carter's falling asleep on my floor. Poor guy is exhausted. Just got back from Nigeria this afternoon. Praise the Lord, he's finally found his own calling. PTL--he's finally back home, safe and sound.

Who Am I

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

Who am I, to question your motivation.
The reasoning behind your call
whether I'm worthy or not.
If I deserve the blessing?

Anew Direction

a·new/əˈn(y)o͞o/

Adverb:	In a new or different, typically more positive, way. Once more; again.
Synonyms:	again - afresh - newly - once more

Don't cry

Don't. You. Dare. Cry. 

Patience

One thing my generation is lacking, is patience. We want everything immediately. And if we don't already have it in our hands by the time we think of it, we get frustrated. I'm guilty of it too. I've heard some of the older folk talking about how we got this way. They blame the technology, and if you think about it. They're right. Microwaves give us food in minutes that would normally take 5-10x as long-or longer. Phones allow us instant contact with our loved ones. The Internet gives us the ability to find information almost instantly. Honestly, it's sad. Especially when patience becomes a forgotten virtue.

Desires of My Heart

I thought I had to give up all my dreams to follow your plan God. But I was wrong, you want me to have dreams. That’s what that message was all about. “I have a dream” But that’s my problem right now. I gave up all my dreams and sit here empty handed. So God, here’s my dream. A lifelong dream, something I will hold onto for years to come. Not only do I dream of following after you and helping people into your kingdom. That’s obviously the top dream of mine. But Lord, you want me to have my own dream. My own personal dream. So Lord, here it is. I dream of writing books. Yes Lord that’s it. I dream of writing books and  reaching people….

Confirmation ?

Confirmation, where do I get it? How can I get it? How do I know, for sure, that this is what he's telling me? I think he's saying one thing, but then I don't know for sure if it's just me or not. Like, is this just a physical desire and not something sent from God? How am I to know?

Into the Field

That's what I'm wanting, to go out into the field. Am I ready? Now that's something else entirely. All I know is that I want to go. I've been wanting to do this for years, since I went to Mexico back in 2007. My only problem is that I've never been ready. Now, its not only me saying "I'm not ready" My own mother has said the same thing "You're not ready yet, give it some time." People are worried that I'll get there and then freak out because of the stuff I'm seeing. But that still doesn't keep me from wanting to go. I can't help it, the desire is there. The urge is there. I've begged God to just send me. But...it's not the right time.

Not Yet

"Not yet" How many times have I heard those words these past few years? Too many. Most people I know are hesitant about jumping into things like this. But me, I'm excited. So excited I can hardly sit still and often miss God's voice telling me to cool down. Slow down. Wait. Be patient. That's the thing, I don't want to wait. I don't want to be patient. I want to go, NOW!

Thou Shalt Plan No More

Who am I kidding? I have no idea why I am here, other than the fact that this is the place I'm supposed to be in. Now how do I know that? That's just the thing, I don't know. I just "know" that this is right. See, back when I was planning for this next step, the thing I'm doing right now, I compared several different options and was about to pursue them when I realized it was all wrong. Then I found this one, and for the first time in years, I felt at peace about my decision. I knew that this was the right step for me. Plus, I had several dreams after making that decision that further confirmed that Yes, this is the right step. I like it when dreams do that, when they confirm something for you. It's always helpful, and comforting to know that someone up there is agreeing with what you're planning for your life. Although, I bet he always knew I'd come down here. Rather than head on over to those other places. Like you know, Biola-Northwestern-DLA. Although, I still wouldn't mind going to DLA. It's just not the place for me. I was meant to come here, but anything beyond that...well I still haven't gotten that far yet.

I like to plan things, to figure out what I want before it happens. Well lately, God's been trying to get me to stop planning things. To just trust him and to go with the flow. That's hard for me, its a daily challenge to not stop and start planning what I'm going to do after college is over. Dude! I just got here, why am I already planning what I'm going to do once I'm done with school? Now that's just crazy. But, well. You know me. I'm that crazy one that plans things that won't ever happen. But hey, a girl can always dream right? RIGHT?

Letting Go

Do I just give up? Let it all go and throw away my dreams, plans, goals for the future? Is that what I am to do? How can I do this when everything I've ever known, ever wanted lies here in the United States. It's all connected, all intertwined with my future. These plans I've made map out my life forever. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted with my life and then here God comes throwing this all at me at once. Okay it wasn't really at once. The idea has been there for years, always hiding out in the back of my mind. It wasn't until this summer that I realized that THIS is what I'm meant to do. But now that I know, I'm finding it hard to let go. To accept it and the changes it brings along. How can I? I love change, don't get me wrong. But now I'm having to let go of my dreams. I've found that compromising with God isn't really an option. I either accept his calling and complete immerse myself in it or I can attempt to run. Which we all know won't work. It never works.

It took me long enough to give up my other dreams, but now this? Now I have to give up the one thing I've wanted, dreamed of, desired with all my heart. The one thing that would give me a chance to explore the world, help others, and learn who I am...has just been removed from my world. WHAT?! WHY? HOW? This is so not fair.

And Now I'm reminded of that all too familiar saying "Life's not fair" Of course its not. It never was and never will be. I just wish it was a little more fair than it currently is. I can't do this. This thing. I don't even know what it is. Yet somehow. Someway I'm doing it. Why? How? Can't I ever stop?

I'm such a hypocrite. I say I want to be a missionary. I feel like I'm called to be one. I'd love to be one. The thrill. The adventure. I'd gladly take it on. Leaving the US for another country...to LIVE to become a citizen of? Sure why not? Sign me up. Play with banana leaf and trash balls? Hug Orphans? Sell most of my belongings? Dress in Rags? Wear tattered and torn sandals? Eat beans and rice day after day? Walk instead of drive? Take cold bucket showers? Sleep on cement floors? Carry all I own in an over sized backpack? Sure I'll do it! In fact I'd be thrilled to do that. But tell me I can't be a Peace Corp Volunteer? That's when the complaining and frustration begins. That's when the "this isn't far!" whining begins. And then, then I feel selfish. I feel as if I'm trying to shove my way upon God. To tell him what I'm doing rather than ask him what he wants me to do. I feel as if I can't possibly be good enough for him. I feel as if I'll fail miserably at the whole missionary thing. I feel as if I'll get terrified out of my wits as soon as I'm actually there. I feel as if I dont trust God enough, don't know him well enough to help others figure out this thing. I feel as if I don't know what Grace is. So how in the world am I supposed to show others what it is? I feel like a fake. A liar. A phony. Day in and Day out I wander along this path I'm set on, wondering what happened. Where'd my life go? Why, how did I become such a hypocrite? Such a phony? Where'd I go wrong? When did I lose touch with God? When did I fall away, when did put God on the back burner? I just don't get it. I mean, after growing up in a Christian home with a Christian mother who cares and a great Church Family I'm left like this.

Sigh. How am I ever going to embrace this calling when I can't even embrace myself? How can I love others when I can't even love myself? How can I forgive others when I can't even forgive myself? How can I tell others about God when I don't even feel like I know him very well? How can I do these things when my own life is in such shambles?

College? DLA? Bible College? Mission Field? Sigh. This is too much for me. I need to learn to let go. To just give all up to God. To Count on God. To know that he is there, that is watching over me. To trust him with every aspect of my life. But that doesn't simply happen overnight.