Not Yet

"Not yet" How many times have I heard those words these past few years? Too many. Most people I know are hesitant about jumping into things like this. But me, I'm excited. So excited I can hardly sit still and often miss God's voice telling me to cool down. Slow down. Wait. Be patient. That's the thing, I don't want to wait. I don't want to be patient. I want to go, NOW!

But you know, it's finally making sense to me. Why I haven't gone yet, why it's been so long. Why things just never worked out the way I hoped. It was all because I wasn't ready. And I'm still not ready. I'm not prepared, nor equipped to head out there and wage battle for God's kingdom. I'm simply not prepared. I've lead a sheltered life, haven't dealt with anything evil in a long time...or rather, ever. My foundation is a little rocky, so if I were to head on out there....well, let's just say I'd be attacked rather quickly. God knew I needed a better foundation, to forgive people and rededicate my life to him. He knew this years ago when I was begging to go to Romania. Well, now I finally get it. I finally understand that I'm simply not ready yet. And that THAT is why I'm here where I am now. To be trained. To be prepared for what is to come. I would still like to head on out there, to experience the mission field for myself. But if I'm too scared to stand up and praise Jesus along with my roommates, cause I'm afraid of how it will look, then I'm clearly not ready to jump head first into the mission field. 

I'm simply not prepared. I simply have to be patient and wait, just a little longer. If I can wait patiently for 3 years, then surely I can wait another year, or two, or three. I know that someday I will head on out there. I will jump into the mission field, but this time I'll be prepared. I'll hit the ground running. I'll be ready.

Sigh, someday I'll go. Someday I'll be there. 

Just not yet.