My brother J and his wife come up in a few days. Tuesday to be exact. Then on Wednesday we're driving over to my Aunt's house where we will meet up with the man who doesn't deserve the honor of being my "father". I'm supposed to tell him that I forgive him. And I do, its just that....I'm not ready for this. For the past 10 years I've gone without any form of contact with the...man. And I'm not exactly ready to start again now. In fact, I don't even want to do this. But I know that I have to, I know that if I don't do this then...well, actually I don't know what will happen. I just know that this is something I have to do. But, that doesn't mean it makes doing it any easier. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading the drive there, the conversation, how I'll bring it up. Honestly, if I had my way I would go up to his house, knock on his door and tell him then and there that I forgive him. Then I would walk away, get in a car and drive home. Sadly, this isn't how it's going to go down.
GAH! I'm so not ready for this. I know I need to...well, prepare somehow. But I just don't want to. I'm still hoping that I can just back out of this whole thing and pretend it's never going to happen. But, that's not the truth. The truth is it is happening, and that I need to do this. Although, it's more something I need to do on my own. Not with my brother and his wife, but by myself. However at the same time, I want them there.
Sigh. I'm just one big walking contradiction. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready for what's going down next Wednesday night....
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