Under Construction

Tonight a complete stranger took one look at me and said "You're a writer aren't you? You stand there quietly, taking everything in. You don't say much do you? But I bet you've got a lot to say. I can't wait to read your book"

Honestly, I didn't know how to respond. I kind of blushed a little, acted quite surprised by this and hurried on with my roomies. I mean, how do you respond to something like that? I don't know the guy, sure my roomie did but I don't. He graduated from my college and all, but that was quite a long time ago. Or at least, it sure seems like it.

I know I do have a lot to say, a lot I want to get out. I know that writing has always been my thing and that I could help people. That I could word things in such a way that it would just you know, click. But I don't know how to start. How does one start writing such a thing? I opened a word document but the blankness, the empty white space before me. How do I even begin to fill such a thing? How can I change the course of someone's life, change their thoughts, their ideas, their values when I myself am still under construction?

I know for a fact that I have a lot of work that needs doing, lots of projects in the works, and several areas of my life that are still blocked off by police tape--things that seriously need investigating. This isn't easy, I mean people think that going to a Bible college would mean everything's sunshine and rainbows when it comes to relationships with God. But it's not. In fact, it's probably harder than other things just because you are constantly under attack--spiritually. I've had some rough spots these past few months, this blog holds the proof.

Speaking of which, why did I even get on this thing? To see what it is I have written to begin with. To see where I've come from, to see where I'm headed.

Crap--Carter's falling asleep on my floor. Poor guy is exhausted. Just got back from Nigeria this afternoon. Praise the Lord, he's finally found his own calling. PTL--he's finally back home, safe and sound.

Where has my life gone?

Time.

It's passing me by, faster than I would like. I look back on my life, on the years I've spent and what memories do I have? I've always waited until I was older, more mature to start having fun. What I didn't realize was that my life was wasting away. I live my life without any form of true fun, I have no memories to look back on and laugh about. Where did my childhood go, where did the fun and excitement, the carefree, reckless teenage years...where did they disappear to?

Now, now I'm all...adultish. I'm responsible and mature, not because I choose to be. But because I have to be. I can't just blow 40 bucks at the mall, I have to save it for tuition and rent. I can't just eat out everyday after school, I need to budget that money to help pay my way home for Thanksgiving. I have to get up and force myself to go to school and to work because...well heck, I'm PAYING for this school, why skip it? And I have to go to work because I need the money. I wish I could go to work because I enjoyed it, but alas---i'm not there yet. I know someday I will be, but that's not yet.

Sigh. Everything's not yet. That's all I've told myself since I was a kid "Not yet" and now. Now I look back and I feel like I've wasted my life away.

Being an adult isn't any fun. And to think, I was excited about coming down here and being an adult. Apparently, I didn't know what I had when I had it. How many people can say the same? Probably too many.

TIC

This is College

I've gone through so many odd, weird, interesting, different things lately that it's almost become common. When things go as planned, now that's just weird. That's something that NEEDS to be discussed. But what I now consider normal, common, typical-those are the things people want to hear about. Cause while it's normal for me, it's not for them. So what has happened that needs to be shared?

I met Edward Cullen. In real life-his name is Jake. How ironic is that?
I learned that Carter has a very low tolerance for drugs :)
I learned that skipping class results in low grades.
I figured out that if you don't emerge from your apartment in more than 36 hours-then you're a hermit by default.
I've been called "baby" by old men in hotel rooms.
I've been stuck at work at the end of the day, with no ride home.
I've ruined surprise birthday gifts.
I've gone to Walmart alone at midnight for toilet paper.
I've been approached by an old man in a Walmart parking lot for gas money.
I lost $20 in tip money-I don't know how. I totally cried all the way home after that, frustrated and confused.
I've laid in bed sobbing.
I've stared at a picture of my "nieces" for hours, trying to not cry.
I stood at the head of the tub, and used the shower head to spray it down.
I wanted to cut my feet off to stop the pain after spending an entire day standing at work.
I fell on my bed, in my work clothes, and passed out in a second.
I spent 2.5 hours reading a tiny 50 page book on the 3 fold nature of man.
I have peed in the bathroom while my roommates were in there. They're trying to break me in.
I shared my poetry with my roommate.
I danced and sang praises to God after an amazing night at church.
I watched as God moved in my roommate's lives.
I sat on the kitchen floor for 2 hours when my roommates fought with each other in the living room. this was my 2nd day at school.
I have been body slammed in my bed twice by a roommate.
I have taught myself how to cook via Google.
I learned that my roommates don't know to survive without a microwave.
I learned that sharing food isn't always a good idea.
I learned that if you don't do dishes they pile up.
I learned that said dishes attract bugs.
I learned that if you leave a damp towel on the counter top for a long time-said bugs will mate underneath it.
I finally understand how my family felt about the litter box.
I finally appreciate my little brother.
I was pranked my cousin and his roommates-they called and told me a murderer was on the loose and knocking on random people's doors. Said guys-then came and knocked on my door all creepily like.
I took a shower at the gym because ours was broken.
I have a friend who likes to pretend his Moses and leading his people out of exile/exhalation. Once free of the mass of people trying to exit, we then promptly complain. :)
I have 13 books due by November 10th, I've read one.
I ran to walmart at midnight for ice cream and cookie dough.
I went to an expensive hair cutting salon and was pampered for the day.
I've rolled hundreds of silverware for work.
I watched as one of the kittens popped on of my roommates faces.
I played hide and seek in the park at 2am.
I colored princesses and fish just for the fun of it.
I made breakfast for my roommates' birthday.
I have yet to be late for work.
I took off one of my socks because it matched the other one. I physically could not live with myself for wearing it.
I walked to Wendy's with a group of people at 2am because we were hungry.

Yep, this is College.

Party Into the AM ?

Have you ever tried planning a party for your roommates birthday? What if your roommate had a twin sister. Have you ever tried planning a party for your twin roommates 20th birthday? Have you ever tried to plan a party for your twin roommates when you don't know any of their friends?

Completely Normal

I took a poll and 99% of my imaginary blog readers said they wouldn't mind if I changed directions with my blog. Especially since the previous 90 blog posts have all been depressing and just plain boring. So, now the question remains-where do I go with this blog? Should I just ramble on and on about the seemingly normal adventures of a college student pursuing God's plan for her life? Eh-sounds good enough for me. But, I don't really have anything that exciting right now. I mean to me, everything seems normal.

Cream of Broccoli Soup

My family has the best Cream of Broccoli Soup recipe ever, it's delicious, creamy, smooth, and all around awesomesauce.

If you can make it right.

As you might have guessed, I attempted making it the other day. I had purchased my ingredients a few days earlier and decided that it was time to use them up. The soup tasted okay, not outstanding or anything, but it was lumpy! I couldn't figure out why so I called my Mom. The cooking expert in the family. (Actually that would be one of her sisters, but she's still an excellent cook!) According to her there could be two possible things I did wrong.

1. I didn't cooking the broccoli long enough, meaning the blenders could not break it down enough. 
2. There wasn't enough liquid in the soup to make it thinner and creamier. 

Honestly, it may have been a combination of the two. I probably didn't cook it long enough, but I was a little pressed for time and there probably wasn't enough liquid in there anyways. Oops. So I guess that means I fail at life, and cooking. 

Heh. I would screw it up, it just sounds like something this poor, uneducated, little ole' college student me would do. Fail. 

Carter & Dope?

Even as I write this, it's already old news. But hey, I have to start somewhere! First-a little background knowledge. I work at this little restaurant, it's a small family owned place and the food is delicious! All 3 of my roommates, 1 of my classmates, and my cousin all work there. So it's obviously the place to be.

Anew Direction

a·new/əˈn(y)o͞o/

Adverb:	In a new or different, typically more positive, way. Once more; again.
Synonyms:	again - afresh - newly - once more

Trapped Within

(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)

It's passing me by, and I'm spiraling down.
Away from all this, into a false reality.

Insanity

You know your roommate is crazy when she starts barking at the computer screen :)

Don't cry

Don't. You. Dare. Cry. 

Scattered Thoughts

Sista and I sat outside tonight talking, just talking. It was nice. Who cares if it's you know 2am, it was still nice. We talked about, well everything. Things about "Dad", to L and J to school to emotions to depression to cutting to suicidal behaviors to deployment to whatever else came to our minds. I don't have any real sisters to talk to about those things, so I'm SO glad that J married someone that I could actually talk to. These past few days with them here has been wonderful. I've missed them like crazy, yet at the same time I'm kind of glad that they're gone/leaving. It's nice to be able to explore the world on my own. I may be completely broke and a poor, jobless college student. But hey, at least I'm giving life a go, right?

There was a time when even that wasn't in my plans....

Thankfully, things have changed and I'm doing much better. But honestly, at times I wonder. I wonder what would have happened to those around me had I gone through with it. How would this world have changed? Honestly, I know things are better off with me still in it. I know that "someone" up there has plans for what I used to think was a pitiful life. So I know that I can't just get up and end it anytime I want. That's just not in the cards for me. But I still wonder. I still wonder if they'd care, if they'd remember me years from now. It's just like the 2 kids in school who died 1.5 years ago. People still remember them, but will they 10 years from now? 20? 30? 40 years from now, will their names even survive the old age? That's just something I don't know about. Somehow, surely someone will find a way to keep their memory alive for many many years to come. But I personally, don't know if I'll be able to remember. And if I can't even remember a girl and a boy who died in my school...why would anyone remember me? What kind of impact have I had on this world?

That's the thing that really gets me. I don't want to be known as "the girl who sat on my bus" or "she was my roommate once" "oh her?" "I think I met her, once. She was the quiet one right?"

That's not how I want people to talk about me. That's now how I want to be remembered. I want to be known for something more. Something greater. I have a higher calling, and I know that one day I will completely answer that calling. As for now, I'm doing my part and going to school and doing my best to believe that God will provide for me. He gave me a 3rd roommate, surely he can do the rest. I just have to believe and receive. Especially now that all of my roommates have a job. Now it's just down to me. I'm praying and praying, except that's just the thing. I haven't actually spent a single minute praying about it. I've cried about it, begged God to just explain it. I've asked him for it. But it wasn't praying. It wasn't something...something he would have wanted. And that my friend, is where I screwed up. My money is running out and I have no back ups. Neither J nor my Mom have any money to give me. I've had problem after problem and now...now I don't know what to do.

That's a lie, I know exactly what needs to be done. But the real question is...do I have the guts, the motivation, the determination, the faith.....to get it done?

Peace?

Here I am begging you

pleading with every part of my soul

not to leave, not to desert me

Not now, not ever

please oh please, don't you ever

abandon me again

my heart can't bare it

my soul can't take it

not again, please, not again

I'm not quite sure where that came from exactly. I kind of just started writing. I don't know whether that has anything to do with my so called "dad" but....whatever. It's there. I wrote it. Perhaps its just part of me that is terrified to open up again. Afraid that if I do then someone might wander in and tear the place apart. I don't know if I could live through that again. Once I finally figured out what was going on in my life, it seemed like things only got worse. That's when the whole, "cutting" thingy begin. I have pictures for proof you know. So if you ever want to see them, then just click on the label "scars" they should be in there. 

See, things are starting to look up for me. I'm finally in a place where I know I'm meant to be. Where things can't possibly be so bad. Yet, at the same time something just doesn't feel right. I'm hoping that after I deal with the "dad" thing, that things will finally fall back into place and that I'll be at peace once again. 

Honestly, I don't know what "peace" feels like. So if I don't know, then how will I know when it finally hits me? 

Not. Backing. Down

Clearly, I'm making the right decision here. Coming to College. Why else would the devil try so hard these past few weeks to hold me back. Heck, he's even trying right now. But what he doesn't know, is that I'm not backing down. I don't care what he throws my way. I will NOT give up on this. I will pursue God's calling on my life no matter what the devil throws my way. I refuse to back down.

I am Blessed

Since no one really reads this, it probably doesn't matter. But earlier today I was attempting to find a new template for this blog. I tried several before realizing that the one I have now works just fine. Even though it looks like a barren waste land. I will just have to deal with it for a bit longer. At least until I can figure out what the heck I am doing.

But here's one thing, one good thing at least. I found out a few minutes ago that my financial burden has been somewhat lifted. Not only will I be receiving 110 back from my apartment deposit, but I have also received a 4th roommate. Saving me about $50 each month. I guess someone up there thinks I am deserving.

Thank you God!

Jumbled Thoughts

I don't even know what's going on anymore, I can hardly contain my excitement! In fact a few days ago my brain nearly blew up as I tried to explain the complicated mass of thoughts swarming my already too full brain! You should have seen the size of that email! It was so freaking large that I had to send it in 3 parts! Although, come to think of it, that was more for her benefit than mine. I didn't want my friend freaking out and not being able to read the entire thing in one sitting so I sent three in case she wanted to split it up a little. But guess what else I figured out in the process! When you do things like that, the person almost always reads the next piece because they are interested and think to themselves "just one more, it won't be long" but really its the same time length as it would have been if it was one large email! Maybe even longer! HA! I'm a genius.

Wait.

Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!

I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)

Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...

Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!

See what I mean?

Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.

You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!

WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.

Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?

Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.

THEY ALREADY DO!

So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?

Running

All I do these days is run. Run away from the past. From my problems. From friends and family. Everything I do, encourages or aids my fleeing behaviors. 

And now, just as I have done once a month since January 2008. I'm considering running away again. this time for good. I could do it. All I need to do is go to college, and then just never come back. It wouldn't be too difficult really. Just stop talking to people, "lose" addresses, happen to be busy when they come, flights are too expensive...etc. It really wouldn't be all that hard.

Actually thats a lie. It would be hard, really hard to leave friends and family. But really the only one I want to run away from is...

....my mom.