1. I can't believe I just wrote that.
2. That's exactly how I feel! :) I feel like screaming and jumping for joy! I'm so pumped it's crazy! I can't wait to get out in the world!
Okay, maybe I should backtrack a little. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Maybe I should make this a little series so that it doesn't take up fifty billion pages. :)
Now. Where to begin? The beginning sounds like a decent place. :) (Jeesh, calm down! Enough with the smiley faces. Breathe. Breathe. There, much better) So, the past few years have been a pretty rough time for me. Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. This blog is evidence enough. :| Well I've got some great news for you, THINGS ARE CHANGING! Well duh. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Oh Well. Doesn't matter, I'm about to now! :) (GAH! I said enough!...Sorry...will try not to smile...)
A few months ago I was pretty frustrated with this little thing called "High School Graduation". I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, where I was going and often felt completely alone in the world. I played with several ideas, ranging from go to a Christian Internship to run away to Alaska and hide out there. (As if the wilderness could hide me from God!) I felt so lost and alone and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My friends were all either busy with their own lives or struggling through their own problems. None of them would need my problems to add to their own burdens. So I bottled it up and left it on the back shelf of my heart. As I did everything I didn't want to deal with. Then back in August I reached a low point. I was sitting in my room, Senior Year was about to start and I was freaking out as I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. Finally, I called out to God. But I felt like I wasn't getting enough, like I had too many distractions so I went outside, took my Zune with me, played some music and started talking to God out loud. I hadn't even gone very far when the song "I'm Counting on God" by the Desperation Band began to play. It wasn't even on my playlist. :) I started laughing saying "Okay God. I get the picture! Okay God! I've got it!" I put aside all my worries about the future, things I shouldn't have even been worrying about in the first place and simply gave it all to God. That was the first thing I have ever truly given to God. My Future.
I continued on the next few weeks, worry creeping back every now and then but something within me always knew that it'd be okay. Then one day I sat down on my bed and began to think. I had just barely survived another low point of mine. Escaping with a few new scars, sadly self inflicted ones. Below are a few pictures I took over the past few months. It really began over a year ago, but this past year was the worst for it. Sadly I do not have an updated picture but the row of "lines" across my hand now spans the entire length of the back of my hand. The bottom picture was one of the first pictures I took. Shortly after I first began my experiments with pencils. The middle one is the latest one I have to show you, but it was taken several months ago. Probably back in July. The first one was taken in mid May. However the one that matters the most is the middle one. The one that shows the best what it's like. As that one shows not only two very recent ones but several other ones that were in the works of becoming true scars. Many have faded, but are still quite visible in good light and when compared with my right hand. :| The line that appears to stretch across the back of my hand in the 2nd one really only goes about half way. It's just the angle the picture was taken at. Now, as I sit here typing, the line stops just shy of an inch from the far side of my hand.
Sigh. I think this is a decent place to stop for now. This post is already long enough but really, I'm just beginning. Pictures of my depressed self's "actions" are not really the most memorable things to look at. Although I am glad I took them. Other than the scars on my hand, they give me a great reminder at how far I sunk.
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