My own DEMISE.

"Thats why I pushed for it." -Lana

God, for the very same reason I shoved an idea away. "Lana" pushed for it. Really? God, what do I do now? I know she's probably right but being my stubborn self I will never admit it to her face. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I had admitting anything actually. All I do is dance around the problem, hoping that eventually it will fade. But that's just it. It DOESN'T. So then I'm left here staring at myself, wondering how in the world I even got here to begin with. I'm left with a choice, a choice I'd rather hand off to someone else--but at the same time I don't want anyone else to make that same choice 'cause I know they'll pick the one I'm convincing myself I don't want.

Why is she so different? Why do I care what she thinks of me? Why do I care so much? I feel all exposed. But why? I didn't feel this way before. Maybe that's cause the other two are family..or like family. But her, i just don't know. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose her as a friend. Maybe I'm afraid she'll judge me and then ditch. So many others have done in the past. What would make her any different? That's it. It has to be it. My stupid, pathetic, childish fear of mine has come back to haunt me once again. Like always.

That word, it just looms ahead of me, predicting my pending future. ABANDONED! It just sits there, patiently awaiting the day I draw closer. It smiles and shows me how everyone will leave me. How some day I'll be all alone again. How in my attempt to forget the past, in my attempt to forget the abandonment I'll bring it all right back. I'll be my own demise. It knows this, and taunts me with it day and night. Looming, forever looming on the horizon of my future. I can't escape it. Sooner or later I will have to face it. But that's just it. I'd rather die than face it. Is there anyway around it? The answer...no. Confrontation. Oh god how I despise it. Every shape and form of it brings pain and fear. "there is one way..." a voice whispers to me. "harden your heart, never love again, never let anyone in...then you'll never know abandonment" That is an option, sadly it is. But wait, wouldn't that be doing exactly that. Abandoning myself from others to the point where I feel abandoned? Didn't I just establish the fact that I'd be my own demise? God, what has become of me?