Failed. Twice.

I failed...again. Once again I gave in, once again I grasped that pencil and dug into the soft flesh on my hands. But this time it was worse. This time it was so much worse. This time...it was two. Two terribly visible pink lines with red skin around them reside on my already scarred hand. Really Molly? Really? More? God what were you thinking?

That's the problem. Who knows what I was thinking. I sure don't. Okay. That's a lie I know exactly what I was thinking, but I'm terrified to put it into words. I'm terrified to put it on here for fear that both of "them" see it. One, Lana, would simply lecture me and tell me to call her next time. That was kind of IMPOSSIBLE this last time as she wasn't even around. The other, well she would be saddened if she knew the truth.

Well since I'm already exposed I might as well go ahead with it. Below are the text messages I sent my email shortly afterward.
--2 other people were in the room. And did not notice. You are just invisible. Or are they too polite to interrupt you?
-- Forgot that it burns shortly afterward...it just like stings
--God molly. Another? Really? What is your excuse this time? Oh wait you do not have one do you? Did not think so! God you have problems!!! (after the 2nd one)
-- You ruin everything. You always do. It was ok until you came around. God molly get a life and stop destroying others happiness
-- God i have problems. Really molly? More scars? How will you explain this one? You do not even have a legit reason this time. FAILURE (right after 1st)
--Timeline of Scars: Scratched---no DUG into my hand with a mechanical pencil leaving behind 5-7 small scars......Correction--I've added another one...(31-3-10) 3 more attempts, one real one (9-4-10), two real ones (12-4-10), one accidental (15-4-10) roughly 20 itty bity things that were only skin peeling, no real damage done (15-5-10) 3 more attempts, one smaller one that actually lasted (6-6-10) Another (19.6.10) Another Deeper (15.7.10) I lied, its 2 not 1 (15.7.10)


Why did I do this? Well, let's see. I felt worthless. Invisible. Alone. Depressed. I felt like Running Away. I felt like a waste of life....need I say more?