Need

I can't escape
this need of mine
lurking deep within
the soul I hide

it holds me tight
binding me day & night
with a strength
i cannot fight

the pain
like a blanket, it covers my life
the hate
fills my vision
the anger
lurks within the shadows
waiting for a chance to be unleashed
the abandonment
lies in wait in the dark of the night
preying on the fond memories
and happy thoughts

i embrace it all
as if i couldn't live without
i embrace
because i cannot face
the life before me

without it
i am not me
i need it
to feel
to be me
to keep the terrors of the dark at bay
to keep my sanity
i need
because without it
i cannot be

I'm tied to it, this need of mine. I cannot escape this need of mine. Without it, I simply wouldn't be me. I can't live without this need, I just can't. Without it, I cannot live. Its me. Its all I know. I NEED to feel the pain, I NEED to feel abandoned and alone. I need it because I feel like without it, I'm not me anymore. That when its gone, the real me is gone. I NEED the scars on my hands, I NEED them to stay. I can't live without them. If they fade, I'll simply make more. I desperately need them, I need them to remind me. To remind me of the pain, to remind me of the hate, the anger, the abandonment. I don't know how to live without my need. I've never had the chance to, I don't know how to. all I know is this. I NEED this.

No one understands how badly I NEED this pain. This hate, in my life. I need something, something to channel all the frustration, anger, and resentment into. I NEED this to make me feel like me. I'm terrified to know, what I'd be like, had these things been taken from my life. Would I be me? Would I be here? I'm addicted to it, I don't just WANT it. I NEED it. Its my addiction. I can't live without it. I don't care how dangerous it is. How deadly it can be. All I know is that without it, I'm simply not me. Everyone has their own addiction. Mine is simply pain. I can't live without pain. I need the pain. Any form of pain is fine. When the emotional, spiritual pain is absent. I resort to new more physical methods. I NEED the scars, they make me feel the pain I'm so terribly addicted to. The pain I feel, as I stare at them is an emotional pain. But for now, it is enough to keep me from the physical. I'm addicted. I'm an Addict. I NEED it. I have to have it. I can't live without it....