I don't get it. I never have and at times I doubt I ever will. God wants us to be happy right? So then is it wrong for us to try and pursue our dreams? Can't we further God's kingdom in other ways besides just the whole missionary type thing? Aren't there other ways to do that?
Once again, I'm here. Sitting at the desk, typing away as I day dream about the day when I can finally leap into my dreams. There are so many things I long to do with my life, mainly travel and write. Thankfully those two can be combined with just about anything. But its only common knowledge that those two things are nearly impossible without a job that actually pays. My dreams of living off my books, are simply dreams and nothing more. How many people out there say "I want to write a book"? Too many. Seems like everyone in America wants to write nowadays. But the reality of any of those ever getting published? Well the chances have dropped, that much is for certain. And as time goes on I feel as if my writing is staying the same. Its not growing, its not changing. Maybe that has to do with the fact that I don't write as much anymore and spend all my time THINKING and LEARNING how to write...and never actually doing anything. Maybe that's why, but honestly I don't ACTUALLY know.
I think the reason I'm complaining is because I've planned my life out so many times, but the things...the details that make up my life are constantly changing. Certain things never leave such as my want to travel and write. But the "back-up" jobs, hobbies, colleges, locations--all those things change. And lately, it seems like they are changing constantly. I have countless things I would LOVE to do while I'm still young. But it seems like my time is short. Like I won't be young for long. Things I would have loved to do, I am now suddenly too old for.Other things simply take up too much time, or cost an unreasonable amount of money. Here's a quick list...
- World Race Mission Trip-11 months and $16,000
- Peace Corps-27 months
- Road trip around the U.S-$1500 (with what I want to do)
- Desperation Leadership Academy-8 months and $5,500
- Backpack in Europe
- Biola University-$30,000 a year
See. That right there is why I'm frustrated. All of those things take time and money. More money than I have at the moment, and when put together...the amount of time it would take for me to do all of those things is about 10 years. Including schooling. So what now. I can't do that, its too long and too much money. I'd be broke. Id be like...dead.
UGH!!! Life is so dang frustrating! Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn't know that God was calling me to something. If I was simply living life for myself, the only one in charge. What would it be like? Never having to worry if you are following God's plan or not? Hmm...surely millions of people in America today are doing that. Yet I...am not one of them...and thus do not know.
My plans have changed again. Now I want to go to Alaska. But not just to visit. I want to live there. But all that Alaska stuff is for another post...some other time. But just the fact that I now have ANOTHER thing to add to my list is frustrating me. I don't know what to do with my time anymore. I dont know what I want to live for anymore. I thought I knew. I thought I knew what I wanted in life, but really I'm so very lost.
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