I don't know how to title this post. I don't know how to start this post. In fact, I hardly know why I'm writing this post. Really, I don't know much. It's shocking, how clueless I actually am. People think I'm so smart, and wonder why I get put in detention. (Actually it's just because I'm notoriously late every.single.day)
Perhaps the reason I'm not sure where to begin, its because this isn't just a simple fact. It's not like my "fat" posts. I can't just throw out the facts and hope that no one bothers to read them because they're embarrassing. This is one of those emotional posts. Something that comes from the soul, something I've tried to escape for several years. Almost ten actually. This is something I tried to forget about, something I tried to remove from my life and hoped I would never ever ever have to revisit.
This is something I simple have to do.
No it's not write this post. It's talk to my dad. Face to face. Person to person. It's something I have to do. At first I thought I could simply send him a letter, maybe an email and tell him how I felt. Then I realized how dumb and cowardly that was and that if I did it that way, then I would be just as pathetic as him. Plan B was to call him up on the phone and tell him. It sounded good at the time, until that idea got shot down by the one and only (AMAZING) Father I have in heaven :) It wasn't until then that I actually took the time to listen to why he was calling me to do this. To forgive the man who I've considered "dead" for so long. The man who stole my childhood, and abandoned me at an early age. The man who no longer, well actually he never did, deserves the title "Father" or "Dad".
Let me back up for a moment. A few weeks ago as I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. I asked God to search my soul and show me whatever he found fault with. I'm not really sure how on earth to phrase that, I know it sounds a little...well, you know. Strange. But that's basically what I did. At the time I figured he'd start out small. I knew/know I have a lot of things wrong with me. Several grudges, bad little habits, that type of thing. I thought he'd pull up something like my Mom, or my Brother and have me deal with that little "Mountain" first. I never thought he'd go all the way in, past all my barricades, locked doors, steel walls...you get the idea...and bring up the one thing I had tried to hide, to bury away since the day it happened.
(I would say "you guessed it..." but I kind of already told you where this was going.) Yeah, my Dad. It's like God went to the deepest, darkest place in my soul and dragged this out. I figured this would be the final step, the last thing I'd do. Apparently not. I mean, it does make sense. Here I am wanting to be a missionary, one of the things they do is they go around and tell people "you need to forgive so and so for doing blah". And how can I tell them to do that, if I can't even forgive a man whose only crime was walking out the door? Compared to others, what he did was hardly anything. So how can I tell them to forgive the person who killed their husband, son, daughter. Who raped them or their child. Who sold them as a sex slave. Who burned their village. How can I tell them they need to forgive, if I can't forgive a man who simply wasn't around? I'd be hypocritical. It just wouldn't be right.
So that brings me to where I am now. And to be honest, I still don't want to do this. After God told me I needed to, or rather that I had to...for my own good. I argued with him. I begged him, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I had this grand idea that someday my "Dad" would come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. But instead God was telling me that I had to go to him and tell him face to face that I forgave him.
Sigh.
I have to see him. There's no escaping it, I have to go. I just hope I can maintain my composure.
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