In need of a bigger brain...

I am in need of a bigger brain because mine is overflowing. Overflowing with thoughts and ideas that I can't seem to organize into separate categories...because my brain is already full. I can't think straight, I can't even begin to focus on anything...and each weekend, anything I learned in school is thrown in the trash in my unconscious attempt to organize my thoughts.

I'm woken up at 5:30am each and EVERY day. As I sit there, my mind spinning as it tries to think clearly. I worry. I dream. I worry again. I dream some more. I plan. I plot. I try to focus. I learn. I forget. I worry once more. I'm back where I started.

My life is far from normal. Whatever normal is. I don't even seem to live in reality anymore. Its like my brain has given up on "reality" and has moved off to la la land...and just so happened to "forget" to leave a "reach-me-address". Nothing is real to me anymore. Everything is a lie, a fake...its not real. I live in this world, that doesn't even exist. My life...isn't realistic. My dreams...aren't realistic. My expectations...aren't realistic. Nothing about me is realistic...is real. Its like I'm not even here half the time. My mind's lost in some foreign land, and I can't seem to find my way back. Part of me is fighting to get back...while the half...is beginning to like this different "world" where I can be whoever I want. Where I never have to worry, where things work the way they are supposed to. Where father's don't run off with other women. Where parents, siblings, friends, spouses...don't die. Where war doesn't exist. Where money is never a problem. Where everyone is treated equal. Where obesity isn't a problem. Where disease is instinct. Where teenagers aren't depressed for reasons that don't even make sense. Where people aren't haunted by their past. Where I can actually understand the thoughts that somehow appear in my head. That somehow seem to make sense, but I don't know how. Where things are the way I've always imagined.

But this world doesn't really exist. Its not real, never has been...and sadly will never be. People will die. Fathers will run off with other women. Disease is still running about our world--killing all in its path. War is still going strong, and there doesn't seem to be any end. Depression attacks the innocent--never leaving any escape. Obesity, poverty, and unexplainable things...still happen.

And I'm still sitting here. In dire need of a bigger brain. One that could comprehend these thoughts. One that could make sense of my confused emotions. One that doesn't become depressed for no apparent reason. Yet I don't have any of it. I'm still here, still unable to understand. And still---depressed.

A Brother

My older brother Josh is leaving for the army on Sunday...August 16th. That's two days away. A while back I was sitting on my bunk at camp. It was late and I had recently talked with Josh, whom I hardly got to talk to/see since we were both working all summer and I was living at camp. I pulled out my notebook and decided that I wanted to write him a poem for when he left. I started writing and at first it was kind of depressing and sad...but that was how I was feeling at the time. But as I progressed through the poem, it took up three pages, it began to change. My feelings towards him exploded onto the page. My hand couldn't keep up with the words as they flew through my brain .... sentance after sentance I wrote. And the more I wrote the more real it began to get. Before I knew it I was crying. Crying because I loved my brother more than I could ever express and crying because I knew he would be leaving...and that we would never again be as close physically as we were then. For he was moving out...for good. Below is the poem, along with some pictures I took of him and Jess a while back.

"I woke up one day

from the ignorant life I had led

I realized that you don't always get what you want

that you can't control

others behaviors

that sooner or later

they

will leave"

"I woke up and realized

that I had taken advantage

of what was kindly given to me

how I had ignored

the best thing i had

how I had teased and laughed at

the one who truly cared"

"Reality hit...

it shattered me to a million pieces

broke apart my soul

as i longed for another chance...

a few more days, hours

one more minute

and i'd be glad

for I had ignored for so long

the only older brother I had"

"now I regret

the choices i've made

as I look back and see

all the times he stood up for me

and all the times....

i made fun of him"

"I couldn't see

how much he cared for me

how he'd die----to keep me safe

how he only wanted

what was best ---for me"

"he was always there....always

yet i didnt' seem to care

but now i do

he was and still is the best brother

one who is willing ot put his life on the line...

just for me."

"he understood my mixed emotions

and broken heart

he felt the pain i carried each day

he always knew

somehow he knew

that i was not okay

and he'd hug me

kiss my forehead

hold me in his arms and tell me "i love you"

he was just what i needed

right when I needed it

and when tears would pour from my eyes

he'd FIND me

and hold me tight

and tell me everything would be alright

he's MY brother

my beloved brother

and words cannot express the love I have for him."

Josh and Jess (October 2008)