Tell Me

Tell me that everything's going to be alright. Tell me that you know what you're doing. Tell me that you'll provide. Ease my troubled heart tonight, O'Lord. Let me feel your presence and know that you are GOD and that you will never leave my side.

Journaling

I'm here. I know this is where I belong. But why? Why me? And don't give me that "why not?" crap. I need a legit answer. something more than "because I called you here" "What more do you need?" God, I just don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

 All I want is to curl up in a ball and cry. But I can't. I have to stay strong. No crying here. I can't be vulnerable. My roomie M2 was right, I don't like being vulnerable. I can't open up my heart because I'm afraid to...to get hurt again. I just can't. God. too many people have walked away, abandoned me. Why would this time be any different? what makes this school so dang special? How do I know that these people will be any different? They don't know me, they don't know who I am or where I've been. And what's worse is that, they've been through worse yet here they are passing me by.

 God? who the frick am I? Why am I such a hypocrite? Why do I feel so unloved and unworthy? I deserve better. I deserve something more. But this, this is all I know. All I've ever known. This inferiority its, it's something I don't know how to deal with. Why I don't feel like God can...I feel this way because I rejected him. I shunned him, hated, despised him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I tried to move on to do it myself. To be my own savior. It's not working it never worked to begin with. So why did I keep at it? Good question. Why am I so selfish all the time. So vain as to think it's all about me. It's clearly not. God, I can't do this anymore. I just can't keep running and hiding. I can't keep this charade up any longer. Look God I'm sorry okay? I just don't know what I'm doing and I'm foolish okay! There I said it. I'm a foolish naive young girl who has no idea what she's doing. Happy now?

 How'd I know you would say no? You won't be happy till I'm back with you. Completely and 100% yours. I sound and act the same. Even when worried, happy, sad, upset, excited, mad, bitter. My moods change minutely or rather the outward appearance does. But my walls are finally cracking and now, I don't know where I want to be, but getting there is my problem. At least my roommates have come to "peace" about things. Yet I can't. Why? It's so simple really. I don't want to let go of my anger. It's all I know. The one thing that's remained constant throughout my life. Even though it was based on inconsistent things. I hate change. I hate the unknown. And that's right where god put me. Smack dab in the middle of the great unknown. Cause then I have to rely on him. Even when I don't want to...sigh.

 I was going to blog. My computer has been commandeered (I'm boring my roomie's computer) by God to teach me a thing or two. I don't like these teaching times. Especially when I know what needs doing. This time it's read my bible and pray. But I'm resisting, I know-BAD Molly, BAD! But it's not.

Dang this isn't good. I'm starting to...no I'm not! I am clean and free of all demonic spirits. I have been set free and this temple is bolted down. NO evil spirit shall ever set up camp in here again. Why am I such an idiot? Why? Why do i refuse to accept what I know to be true? What's been ingrained in me since day one? Oh God, what have I done to myself?

 BREATHE

 Just breathe M. Breathe. I know it's hard but we can do "all things through Christ who strengthens me" What happened to that girl? The one who was so excited and couldn't wait and never wanted to leave? Who could feel his presence? The one who was touched by an angel-who was hugged when they needed it most. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. God how do I trust you? How do I stop this nonsense? I still feel like I did so many years ago. Like somewhere out there-aka across the room-is someone whose problems are worse than mine. They deserve God more. What did she ever do wrong? I slammed the door in his face. I hated him, despised him,. I wanted nothing to do with God-I backed out on him. I deserve none of it. G2 said we didn't deserve any of it. But at least some people deserve God's help more than others. Starving children in Africa. you get the idea.

 BREATHE

 It's going to be okay....... .......it has to be.....

Not. Backing. Down

Clearly, I'm making the right decision here. Coming to College. Why else would the devil try so hard these past few weeks to hold me back. Heck, he's even trying right now. But what he doesn't know, is that I'm not backing down. I don't care what he throws my way. I will NOT give up on this. I will pursue God's calling on my life no matter what the devil throws my way. I refuse to back down.

Losing My Mind

I think I'm going crazy. Yesterday I thought it was Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday, and then Friday. And then last night, for a brief moment, I thought it was December. But it's not.

What is happening here! Why is my mind so dang screwed up? I would say I blame the fact that my brain is so overwhelmed right now, but oh wait. I'm not allowed to blame it on other things. (Even though this time it's probably true.)

My mind is so crowded, overworked, overwhelmed. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't think through my thoughts long enough to even write them down. I know there are things I'm worried about. I know there are things I should be doing. I know there are things I want to be doing. But what those things are...

That I cannot tell you. Not because I don't want to, but  because I honestly don't know what they are. Which is why this post is...is...so, random I guess? I just don't know anymore. Like I don't know why I just put a question mark at the end of that sentence or why I'm even still here typing away.

Honestly, I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm stressed. Actually, I know I'm stressed. I'm starting to freak out and I just don't know what to do with myself. But you already know that part.

Maybe I should step away from the computer, go clear my head. Somehow, somewhere. Where? I'm not quite sure just yet. Maybe if I actually take the time to lift my fingers from this keyboard which somehow seems to draw me towards it, like a magnet really, then perhaps I'll find the answer outside of this pathetically tiny room with no air floor and stuffy-sweaty-boy smell that lingers annoyingly in the corner. Okay that last part made absolutely no sense so I think I should just stop now before everything thinks I've lost my marbles.

Even though I already have.

I am Blessed

Since no one really reads this, it probably doesn't matter. But earlier today I was attempting to find a new template for this blog. I tried several before realizing that the one I have now works just fine. Even though it looks like a barren waste land. I will just have to deal with it for a bit longer. At least until I can figure out what the heck I am doing.

But here's one thing, one good thing at least. I found out a few minutes ago that my financial burden has been somewhat lifted. Not only will I be receiving 110 back from my apartment deposit, but I have also received a 4th roommate. Saving me about $50 each month. I guess someone up there thinks I am deserving.

Thank you God!

Believe It

I know that God will provide, or at least I thought I knew. Lately, I find myself repeating it and repeating it and even writing it on my arm, putting it as my phone banner, etc. It's literally everywhere. But at the same time, I just don't believe it. I find it hard to believe that God can...well not that he "can" provide. I know he's capable but I find myself, well. Feeling unworthy of being provided for. If that even makes sense.

Yesterday as I was driving home I thought about everything I had witnessed in the past few months. People I know have been giving God their finances and suddenly everything's falling into place. They have the money, they aren't worried and they can afford to go to school. Me, I'm the one who's sitting in her room with a calculator nervously analyzing every little detail hoping that I can actually afford this whole school thing. I haven't actually given it up to God. I've said it, but then I go right back and start planning again and analyzing. It doesn't work like that. If I "give" something to God then I have to stop worrying and just trust that he'll make it all work. 

That's where I've failed. 

So as I was driving I had a conversation with God. And came to the realization that I simply don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy enough to deserve support or provision. All my life I've wandered around feeling unworthy of, well just about anything. I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be loved, provided for, cared about, worried about. Really I just don't feel good enough for anything. And I know that's now how it's supposed to be. I know that it's "not true" but I can't get that idea out of my head. 

I'm trying to believe it. I'm trying to believe that I am in fact good enough to be supported and provided for. That I do deserve to be loved and cared about. So to make myself believe it, I'm going on a fast. A 21 day fast. Why the 21 day fast, because it's really the only fast I know. I guess I could do just about anything, but I think I'll stick with what I know. At least for now. So 21 days it is. Basically what this fast is, is you go 1 week with just liquids. Preferably no soda, sports drinks, etc. Then its 2 weeks of just fruit and vegetables. Oh and liquids. You can still drink. Cause you know, that's kind of important. 

But what I'm supposed to do is when I would be eating a meal, I'm supposed to sit there and meditate on the word or pray to God. Every time I've tried this fast, I've failed. I blame the fact that... never mind. I can't make excuses. The real reason I fail is because I'm simply a wimp. I give up way too quickly. But this time, this time I want it to be different. I don't care if I'm moving in 12 days. The other 9 days of the fast can take place at school. That's not a big deal. Anyways, I've never actually done the whole pray and meditate on God's word aspect of this fast so I think I'm going to try that this time around. See how it goes. 

Right now, my only prayer is that I make it through the day. 

Oh God, Why?

I don't know how to title this post. I don't know how to start this post. In fact, I hardly know why I'm writing this post. Really, I don't know much. It's shocking, how clueless I actually am. People think I'm so smart, and wonder why I get put in detention. (Actually it's just because I'm notoriously late every.single.day)

Perhaps the reason I'm not sure where to begin, its because this isn't just a simple fact. It's not like my "fat" posts. I can't just throw out the facts and hope that no one bothers to read them because they're embarrassing. This is one of those emotional posts. Something that comes from the soul, something I've tried to escape for several years. Almost ten actually. This is something I tried to forget about, something I tried to remove from my life and hoped I would never ever ever have to revisit.

This is something I simple have to do.

No it's not write this post. It's talk to my dad. Face to face. Person to person. It's something I have to do. At first I thought I could simply send him a letter, maybe an email and tell him how I felt. Then I realized how dumb and cowardly that was and that if I did it that way, then I would be just as pathetic as him. Plan B was to call him up on the phone and tell him. It sounded good at the time, until that idea got shot down by the one and only (AMAZING) Father I have in heaven :) It wasn't until then that I actually took the time to listen to why he was calling me to do this. To forgive the man who I've considered "dead" for so long. The man who stole my childhood, and abandoned me at an early age. The man who no longer, well actually he never did, deserves the title "Father" or "Dad".

Let me back up for a moment. A few weeks ago as I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. I asked God to search my soul and show me whatever he found fault with. I'm not really sure how on earth to phrase that, I know it sounds a little...well, you know. Strange. But that's basically what I did. At the time I figured he'd start out small. I knew/know I have a lot of things wrong with me. Several grudges, bad little habits, that type of thing. I thought he'd pull up something like my Mom, or my Brother and have me deal with that little "Mountain" first. I never thought he'd go all the way in, past all my barricades, locked doors, steel walls...you get the idea...and bring up the one thing I had tried to hide, to bury away since the day it happened.

(I would say "you guessed it..." but I kind of already told you where this was going.) Yeah, my Dad. It's like God went to the deepest, darkest place in my soul and dragged this out. I figured this would be the final step, the last thing I'd do. Apparently not. I mean, it does make sense. Here I am wanting to be a missionary, one of the things they do is they go around and tell people "you need to forgive so and so for doing blah". And how can I tell them to do that, if I can't even forgive a man whose only crime was walking out the door? Compared to others, what he did was hardly anything. So how can I tell them to forgive the person who killed their husband, son, daughter. Who raped them or their child. Who sold them as a sex slave. Who burned their village. How can I tell them they need to forgive, if I can't forgive a man who simply wasn't around? I'd be hypocritical. It just wouldn't be right.

So that brings me to where I am now. And to be honest, I still don't want to do this. After God told me I needed to, or rather that I had to...for my own good. I argued with him. I begged him, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I had this grand idea that someday my "Dad" would come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. But instead God was telling me that I had to go to him and tell him face to face that I forgave him.

Sigh.

I have to see him. There's no escaping it, I have to go. I just hope I can maintain my composure.