Slammed Doors

Why do I even try? Whats the point? All I ever get is more rejection. More doors slammed shut in my face just as I'm about to take a step forward.

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Everything was going perfectly well...it was all working out. And now...now I'm stuck here again.  Back where I started, if not farther back. I thought...I thought things were actually going well for once. That things would happen as I had always wished they would. But I was wrong. Man on man was I wrong. I'm always wrong, now that I think about it. I can't remember a single thing I have been right about in the past...6 months? Nah...make it a year...maybe more.

How many times will I get my hopes up about something...only to have the door slammed shut in my face? I mean seriously! COME ON! This is insane! I've been "rejected" far too many times! Why does it have to keep happening! I'm tired of having to sit by and watch as the door closes before me. I'm tired of having to turn around and go back down the hall to where I began. I'm tired of having to wait and wait and wait and wait before things start working out for me again...because eventually they ALL fail! So whats the point of even trying....whats the point of going through the halls to reach the doors, when in the end they are only going to get slammed shut?

I don't get it...and I doubt I ever will.

Mechanical Pencils

 This, right there was my "weapon" of choice. It started out by accident, I didn't meant to discover it. But I did. And thus a seemingly never ending cycle of pain began. Here's the story

I was in school, and wanted to write something on my hand so that I wouldn't forget it. But I didn't have any pens with me. all I had was a mechanical pencil, similar to the one pictured here. So I took it and tried to write on my hand. Now, normally, you can't write on your hand with pencil. It doesn't show really. Well, I didn't really have any other option so I pressed as hard as I could and basically scratched what it was into the first layer of skin on my left hand. And...it worked. A few weeks later, I found myself in the same position...in need of a pen. And without one. So I did it again. But as I did it this time, I found that I...well...that I liked it. And thus the cycle began.

I took to taking the pencil and pushing down on the soft fleshy area of my hand and dragging it back and forth until a thin red line appeared. I found that as I did this, clumps of soft skin would come off with it. Leaving behind a perfectly straight indent on my hand. I liked it, I liked the light pain it provided and thought it felt cool, when I'd run my other hand over the line. So I did it again...and again. However, I would only do it after the first one had healed, as soon as the first line would heal I'd make another one, right beside it. Soon I had a collection of them. And as I type I can still see them. The newest one, done nearly a month ago...is still there. I still healing as each time they'd heal, I'd pick at the scabs. The newest one, was the deepest one. The one that formed the largest scab, the one that took the longest to heal. The one that bled each time I'd touch it. The newest one, is also the largest SCAR that I have on my left hand. I now have a collection of  scars. And yes, they are in fact scars. All in a row, quite obvious really. And since they are scars, they will NOT go away. Ever. I don't mind really, for they remind me of how depressed I was. how far I sunk. They make me realize that I don't ever want to go there again. They make me realize how lucky I was that i didn't take it any further than that. Thankfully, I'm afraid of pain. Physical pain, it sickens me. However this...this wasn't enough to sicken me...but it was enough to satisfy my wants.

In a way, its a lot like cutting. Actually...its just like cutting. But with a pencil. Who would have thought that someone could do bodily harm using a pencil? And even if they did...they probably didn't imagine using it the way I did.

A few people noticed. A few people asked. But I always found something to blame it on. Either my cat, the dog, or heck..even sledding. However, each time I'd lie...I'd find that I would forget what I had told the last person, and I began to hope that they never compared answers. (But doesn't that usually happen when you lie?) Heck my Mom even asked me, but what did I tell her? "It was the dog" Sadly enough...she believed me.

Heck everyone fricking believed me! Have I gotten to be that good of a liar? Or have people just stopped caring. I take that back. Not everyone believed me, everyone but one at least. She never believes me when I lie, she always seems to know that I'm lying. And in a way, I'm grateful for that. Its nice to know that someone knows me well enough to know when somethings wrong, when something's not quite right...when I'm lying. Its nice to know that someone actually knows the real me...and isn't just taking everything I say at face value.

Fresh Start

It's about time I know, 3+ years is quite a while. But those 3+ years happened for a reason. I know that, I always knew that. But for some reason I just couldn't quite believe it. I've sat here for days, weeks, months wondering when it would finally happen. And now it has.

Seems like it was overnight, but I know that it wasn't. I can't really pin point the end. Just as I can't pin point the start. It sort of just happened. I woke up one day, and things were a little bit different. Two weeks later, things were greatly different. How this happened, I still don't know. All I know is that it has...and that I'm enjoying it. It's like the tables were switched around and now, I suddenly hold the power again. My life is in my control once more, but it wasn't so long ago that it wasn't. All someone has to do is look at this blog and they'll know that. I think my "rock bottom" moment was sometime in the past few months. And everyone knows that once you hit rock bottom, you start to climb up again..its no longer a continual drop. Now, I'm climbing up. I'm back on my way to the top and I can't wait to see the view.

Things are different, so very different. Except, there remains one thing that I cannot do. Literally cannot. Prayer. I just...cant do it. When other people pray I can't wait until their done. And when I pray, I feel like I'm only doing it to "act" like a good Christian. Like I'm not doing it for the right reasons. Also, when I pray, its like this super long, drawn out ordeal...even though I hardly say a word. Half the time when I pray, I fall asleep before anything "real" even happens. But hey, I'm not complaining. I mean, I have to take it one step at a time right? I can't just expect that everything will fall right into place. And I'll be the perfect Christian, cause that's not happening. I have to rebuild my relationship with God, with myself, with everyone. I have to start over, I've let down so many. I've lied to who knows how many. Its time for me to start over....but this time. I'm getting a fresh start. Another chance, a chance to do it right this time.

I've read the bible lately, almost every night for the entire month of January. I admit I do miss some days, but doesn't everyone when they first start out again? Like I said before, I can't expect the best right away. the fact that I'm TRYING to at least do this thing...makes me happy. It tells me that a part of me does still care, that somewhere I am actively fighting this "thing" that has had control over me for so long. The fact that I'm reading the bible has to say something...compared to when I would avoid it entirely. Something has changed, that much is certain. But I still don't know what exactly.

However, the timing couldn't be more perfect. Everything's falling into place for me right now. But then again, God's timing is always perfect, so of course its falling into place. I WANT to talk about this thing...but I can't. I refuse to get my hopes up about something that I'm not even sure will  happen yet. It can't be a coincidence though....it can't....right?! UGH! I sure hope its not just my BRAIN thinking that it is. But either way, I'm happy! Happy! It feels weird to say that I'm happy. I'm like NEVER happy...so why am I happy?? I don't even know!! I just am. I know this journey isn't going to be easy, it never is. And I have a feeling that I'll probably slip back down the slope once more, but as long as I keep trying I will reach the top again. I will.

Help....

I read the bible,

     to no avail

i reveal my secrets,

     to no one in particular

i try to hide from God,

    only to fail

I push him away

    just to watch myself succeed

I keep friends out

    and find myself alone

i lock the doors of my soul

    just to watch my life fall apart

i throw away the key

     only to go searching

i find my spirits failing

     and don't know what to do

I'm lost

     but have no guide

I'm trapped

     and can't see the door

Help.....

     I'm stuck with no way out

Free Will+Confusion=Free Pain?

A new year. Another year. Why do we have to acknowledge this new year? Why can't we just get rid of our dating system and simply have it all blend into one? Why do we NEED to know how old something is? Does it really matter what day it is? What year it is? How old something is? Does it?

Does it matter that I've been "depressed" for x amount of years now? Does it? Let's see. How far back did it start? Well. 2006. That should be a good starting place. Hm...no. I think I was already depressed then. What about 2005. So I was what...12? What happened that year? That was a rough year for me, but it was better than 2006. So let's say that it was a slow and steady decline beginning somewhere between 2005-2006. That's...how many years? Does it even matter? To some it probably does. But not to me. Nothing really matters anymore. My life is pretty much pointless. At least it seems that way.

So what IS the reason I'm here? Since I'm a FAILURE of a Christian. Then why am I here? I can't really further God's kingdom when I'm fighting against it myself...now can I? According to some people, God has plans for all of us. But I don't really believe that. Cause if he did, then why am I so lost. Why am I so confused? Why isn't anything ever working out? Why do I hate my life so much? If he does then why isn't he doing anything to try and stop me from screwing up my life? From destroying the only thing he gave me. Life.

Does he even care what I do with it? After all it is mine, and we do have free will. So can he even do anything about it really? Could I just like...destroy my life and have him not do anything about it? Cause he can't really...can he. It's all about free will. Right? If he DID care, then why wouldn't he stop me from wanting/thinking about certain things. Why wouldn't he banish the thoughts that fill my head each day. Why wouldn't he replace my pain with joy? Why would he let me sit here for so long, lost and confused. I know some people have it worse than I do. But those people either already have God, or don't. They are't stuck somewhere awkwardly in the middle like I am.

A Jolly Rancher's Brain

*This post uses words that one can only understand, if they have read the previous posts*

Its another Jolly Rancher Day. Thank GOD! God, knows I needed one. But what's really been on my "real" brain is this "what occupies my time when I'm in "Jolly Rancher" mode?"

Hm..its not really that hard to figure out actually. The future. And when I put it that way, its more like the Jolly Rancher side of me is the Future. And the Licorice side of me is the past. Now that is an interesting way of putting it. So then what's the present? If I'm always battling between the two, then when am I ever in reality? If I ever am actually in reality that is.

Writing. Writing. Writing. Writing. Future. Writing. Writing. Writing. Writing. Future. Writing. Writing. Writing. Publishing. Writing. Writing. Writing. Blah.  Blah. blah. Blah.

That's basically what's on my mind. All I think about these days is the future. Both the future of MY life and the lives of my many overly long stories/novels. I've researched publishing. I've bought books on writing novels and publishing novels. I've joined groups online. I've taken tons of notes, and my brain is constantly plotting out ways to improve my stories and eventually...publish them. At night, my brain is clouded with ideas, its constantly working out the thoughts and puzzle pieces that make up my stories. And at the same time, its creating new ones. I have so many different stories locked up in my head i can't think straight. So when I am in a Jolly Rancher mode. All I do is type, edit, research. Oh and plot out my own future. :)

But for now that's about it. Thankfully, it takes my mind off of other things. Things I'd rather forget, but know that I won't. It distracts me from the past. (Which has somehow managed to catch up with me again-but that's meant for another post.)

Alter Ego or Bi-Polar? Or something totally different?

I have two sides. I think everyone knows that. Most people do, but there's something about mine. That separates me from the crowd. How to explain this, I'm not exactly sure. However I do know that I have, well....2 personalities. In a way. I feel like the person in all the cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Except, that's not exactly what its like with me. My 2 personalities know about each other, but are completely oblivious to the other's thoughts, ideas, wants, etc. (Which is why I call them "personalities"-its not exactly bi-polar...but...well, i don't know really)

Now, when one of these "personalities" is in control, the other is completely helpless. Like it's asleep or something. Actually this is only true when the "devil" personality is in control. Because that side is always "awake" while the other tends to sleep for long periods of time. 

However, I am currently the happier, lighter, carefree, God following one. Yet I can feel the other one plotting in the back of my mind on how and when it will take over next. So far, I've been in this "state" for a few days now. I think having a break from school and all that stress has eased up my life a bit. But I know that shortly, it will all go away and become a "Licorice" sort of day once more. 

I don't like it when this alter ego, personality, THING is in control. Yet when it is, I can't do anything. Its like I'm sitting there watching someone else run my life. I'm depressed, I'm hateful, angry, stubborn, sinful, full of rage, etc. Its NOT good. Now those are the times that I plot my "escape" when I flee from this place I call home and in a way "ditch" my life as I currently know it. That's when I think about running away and other depressing things. That's when I spend hours crying myself to sleep. '

I'm afraid of what might happen when this "alter ego" thing takes over. I don't KNOW what will happen and it scares me. More than it should. Yet at the same time, when I am in the happier more god fearing ego, its like there is this thing...preventing me from finding God. From Calling out to him, from hearing him, from talking to him, praying, believing...etc. Its like a...well, a block. Like something you would put on a computer to keep little kids from going to sites they shouldn't. Every time the word "GOD" shows up in my "screen" this "GOD-BLOCK" shuts everything down. 

I don't know what this "thing" has in store for my life. And I'm afraid to find out. All I want is a chance to escape from this "thing" eternally. To find my way back to God, even if it means I have to do it in the dark. I'll simply have to feel my way through until I see him again. 

(Analogy) I stumble off the brightly lit path each time this "thing" takes over, and I'm thrown into the darkness. I can no longer see the lights lining the path way and I'm lost in the dark woods. Trying to find my way back, but running into hidden trees in the process.