My "collection"

My collection that's how I refer to it now. The little row of delicately placed mini scars that I...sort of put there. All at low points, but still. They are there and they are visible to everyone, not just me. I didn't hide them on my wrist or stomach. They are there for all to see. Though most don't have the slightest idea because they are so small and they don't think that a "good little christian girl" like me would ever go there. Oh but if only they knew. If only they knew that I'm not exactly that good little girl they all assumed I was. Oh they'd rethink then, they'd rethink the idea of letting their darling "babies" hang out with me. They'd rethink the idea of asking me to babysit, to help out around the camp/church. They'd rethink it all. And where would I be then? Alone once more...oh but wait. I have my little collection to keep me company. Don't want to forget about those little things. (It's kinda hard when every time you wash your hands there they are, every time you type there they are, every time you hand something over...there they are...daily reminders...as if I needed that.) Honestly, I've tried to hide them. Not really for me...but more for others. YES! I admit it. They are embarassing. They show off how low I've sunk. How pathetic my life is that I've got to revert to that! So yes, I've tried wearing long sleeves...works okay..in winter. I've tried makeup, didn't work so well, I've tried jewelry...never managed to stay there long enough. I guess I can't hide it, especially not with me adding to it every few months. *Sigh* If only I had never sunk this low.

Who am I kidding?

I dont know what I'm doing. Who am I kidding? I have no idea how to write, how to put words on paper. I dont know the grammar rules, I don't know how to structure something, my plots fall apart, my characters are flat. So really...who am I kidding?

No one. No one's falling for this pathetic lie, except me that is. I'm still clinging to the belief that this isn't a lie, that this isn't another flop another thing I pretended I knew how to do. But in all honesty, it probably is. I'm not kidding anyone here. All it takes is 5 seconds reading my WIP and you'll see. You'll see how terribly I fail at writing. The words sit awkwardly on the pages, the characters scream for a chance to do something other than sit there and have pointless conversations with each other...if they are even lucky enough to get that...So really. Who am I kidding? Wait, I've already answered this question. But just for kicks, I'll answer again. NO ONE.

*Sigh* Sometimes I wonder what the point is? Why do I even bother to try. Everything I've ever done has failed. From School to friends to writing to photography to work to taking care of myself. It's all failed...and it will all fail again. That "word" really is sitting there, looming in the horizon just waiting for me, its prey, to draw near. Do I run? Nah, I'm too stubborn to run. No, instead I'll sit here and stare at it a little bit longer. I'll ponder why it's here and whether or not I can force it to leave. (Which it won't). So what will I do...I'll walk right up to it and let it take over my life.

*Sigh* What's happened to me?

I'm Not Alright-Poem Fail

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside
As the pain cracks the thick walls
Banishing the light
Letting darkness seep inside

My hearts broken in two
Forever broken
As the tears I cry
Slip through the cracks
Escaping reality
I am not alright

My heart has gone numb
Frozen in time
Icy to the touch
Unable to feel
Even the simplest emotions
Unable to understand
The hardships of life

My life shrinks, into a ball
It rolls away
Far away
From the tiny fingers that reach out
Trying to save
The life that’s slipping away

Alone...as always

Once again I found myself alone tonight, just like always. I was told I wouldn't be alone, that I wouldn't have to worry about it. What a lie that turned out to be. We all know the truth. We all know how it ALWAYS ends up...it always ends up with someone not following through with their promise and someone else all alone and hating every minute of it. Oh sure tonight wasn't THAT bad. But still...it was bad enough that it made me think about thinks. Thinks I'd rather not even go into right now, things like "will I always be like this?" GOSH MOLS IT WAS A STUPID LITTLE THING! THEY WERE JUST LATE IN ARRIVING! GET OVER IT! But...they still left me alone. And then even those who could have helped out, choose not to. So really I guess I'm mad about those that left me alone on purpose. The other person, well they didn't have a choice really but still...those other people. They left me, they chose to leave poor little ole me all alone. So many others have, so what will stop future people from making the same decision? I know I said that this anger probably comes from these annoying and stupid people tonight, but there are other things that are bringing this idea to my mind tonight. One in particular. I feel as if one of my best friends is...avoiding me. Ditching me. As if she's like, gotten tired of listening to me rant about my annoying life when her's is probably worse. (I don't actually know as we haven't really talked much lately...which is why I feel this way too) I feel as if she's just sik of being my friend, so many others have in the past that it makes me wonder if she'll stay legit. If she'll still be here come tomorrow. **Sigh** This is what I think about. This is what I dwell on day after day. But you know what? Most of it probably is true. When I do talk to Alana* I feel as if she tries to end the conversation as soon as possible because she can't stand talking to me. When for all I know, she may really be tired, she may really have to help her family, she may really need to go do something. Yet I sit here and continue to come up with stupid reasons/proof as to why she's trying to get rid of me. **Sigh** I need to get back to reality. I know that, but...I don't know how. All I see is this. This pathetic thing I call my life. It's my fault really. I would have had a life if I'd accept people's offers to do things. But know, I turn it down with the lame excuse..."I'm busy". In fact I lie to people about what's going on in my life all the time. I tell them several things "yeah I'm fine" "I don't care" "nothing happened" "I'm busy" "I have to do......blah" Most of the times I use lame excuses to get out of things I'm too shy to admit I want to even try. I should just shut up. No one reads this. Trust me I know. I looked it up. The only page views I get are from myself....how sad is that? Pretty sad I must admit. Now, I think I'll go. I'll just leave you with one quick pathetic attempt a poem.

Darkness creeps in around me

Silence fills the air

An empty soul

Is hiding here

Away from light

Away from view

Locked up

In this cold dark cell



Can you hear them?

The voices of the lost

Crying out to be heard

Can you hear those above

Those in the light

Desperately calling your name

Can you hear it?



So far from light

Have you fallen

Deep into the shadows

In endless pits

And into the dark

You shall remain

For your soul has already

Given up hope

Blocked the entrance to the heart

And crawled to the corner

Afraid to face the world

Afraid to see what you could become



Can you see?

The light high above

Or have you blocked your eyes as well

Are you scared to be saved?

Scared to live again

To feel

To trust others not to hurt you again

To love…once again?

Wish I knew

I had this amazing idea for a blog post. I was all excited about typing it up today. But...it's gone. Where, who knows.

I've got a year left, one stupid, pathetic, year. What will I do? My entire life has been a blur, boring, plain, and sometimes annoying. But now that I'm beginning the end, it seems as if it should be picking up. It seems as if it should be becoming exciting. But that's just the thing. It isn't. Instead I sit here and count down the days till I turn 18 and begin making my own choices(344). I plot out all the things I'll do AFTER my 344 days are over. But what do I do during those days? Who knows. I'll probably just end up wasting them. Spending them working, hiding out in my room, writing things I know will never see the light of day, take photos of things I'll later be too ashamed to show anyone, really I guess my problem here is self esteem. But I'm not in the mood to go there. So what else is there to do? Besides sit at home and be a bum for the next 344 days.

Well there's always the old standby, arguing with your mother. I'm sure she'll just love me after that. In all honesty, I doubt her and I will ever truly get along well. We may have in the past...when I was her perfect little princess...but not now. And not in the future. She'll be just like my dad then, another person that's NOT in my life. I'll basically be a self declared orphan. Hmmm...that sounds funny. Sure, I know plenty of people would DIE to have both of their parents or even one of them. But this is my choice here. She has never shown much interest in being a part of my life so why should I force something that just will never be? Exactly. I shouldn't, and won't. *sigh*

I don't know how I got here. To this pathetic level. I mean, what child in their right mind would WANT to be an orphan. Well, me. That's who. Maybe not a legit one, but I sure as heck seem to want it like that emotionally. Why...I wish I knew. I wish I knew why I sit at this desktop so often and plot out my escape. I wish I knew. But I just don't. And I really doubt I ever truly will.

What's motivation?

If I hate it so much, then why don't I do anything about it? Hmmm. Good question, it's probably just my lack of motivation. I have none. I've said a million different times, "this time it will be different" "I will do this" and guess what...I've never done it. All I have to do is look down or look in the mirror and I'll see that. I've failed. Failed miserably too.

People always tell me "your beautiful" "your pretty" "you look nice" And sure...I'll say "thanks" maybe smile a little, or I'll simply shrug and say "yeah right" or "whatever". Honestly, I don't believe them. Never have. I do have my moments where I'll look at myself and say "i like what I see" but that quickly fades as seconds later I spot another problem. "Oh wait, what about that?" "Ew, what's that?" "Sick." "Ugh" Yes that is honestly how I feel about myself. On a scale of one to ten for satisfaction with myself? I'd give it a two right now. Honestly a two. Maybe even a one. I failed, I really have. And that right there makes it a MUCH lower number. Some days, it's a 5. Some days its a 6. But it's NEVER any higher than that. God, I have problems. I should just get off my lazy butt and do something shouldn't I? But wait, I'm too lazy to actually get off that lazy butt. Hmmm. What to do?

Sometimes, I just wish I didn't have this problem. But then again its my own fault isn't it? Right, it is.

Spotted: Reality Version.

BASICALLY Here's what happened. Now that I've gotten over my stupid little....analogy.
I was in the kitchen. Ali smeared cake on my face. I went to wipe it, with my....hand. She gasped. "What happened to your hand!" (minor panic attack) "Uh...nothing. It's fine." (yanks hand down and tries to act normal) Sam walked in right as she was gasping. "What's wrong with her hand?" (see's it, I run behind table, and attempt to do something without using it) "What did you do? Did you fall? Hit something? Run into something?" (I answer no for everyone, shaking my head, saying "no") "What did you do?" "I don't know." They look at me awkwardly then look at each other and whisper something. I hide and throw myself into the work...which isn't much. And pray that they ignore it, forget about it, etc.