I don't even know what's going on anymore, I can hardly contain my excitement! In fact a few days ago my brain nearly blew up as I tried to explain the complicated mass of thoughts swarming my already too full brain! You should have seen the size of that email! It was so freaking large that I had to send it in 3 parts! Although, come to think of it, that was more for her benefit than mine. I didn't want my friend freaking out and not being able to read the entire thing in one sitting so I sent three in case she wanted to split it up a little. But guess what else I figured out in the process! When you do things like that, the person almost always reads the next piece because they are interested and think to themselves "just one more, it won't be long" but really its the same time length as it would have been if it was one large email! Maybe even longer! HA! I'm a genius.
Wait.
Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!
I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)
Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...
Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!
See what I mean?
Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.
You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!
WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.
Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?
Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.
THEY ALREADY DO!
So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Ineffable! (#3)
It's been so long I almost don't remember where I left off. Okay screw that, I know. I just have to think about it a little bit.
So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.
Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....
myself.
I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.
Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.
I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)
So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.
Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....
myself.
I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.
Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.
I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
"I'll be back!"
Apparently I don't know how to post more than once a month (without cheating). And sadly, the reason I'm here is to warn you-the few people who might actually read this-that the "update" I had promised you is going to be delayed a bit. I'm kind of tied up with life at the moment, even though the things I'm tied up with clearly relate to what I've been trying to talk about in here...I just don't have the time to write about it. (I know, I know. Sad Day)
So just thought I'd pop in and tell ya'll
"I'll be back!"
HUGS! :)
So just thought I'd pop in and tell ya'll
"I'll be back!"
HUGS! :)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Ineffable! (#2)
The scars kind of took me off track a little in the last post. So I might as well finish the thought.
After escaping that bout with depression and another "low" point, I was trying to picture myself in the future. What type of job? Where would I be? So I sat on my bed staring at the wall to eliminate distractions and closed my eyes. The room was silent, I was alone. A perfect place to meet with God. I thought about it, asked God to show me, to enlighten me and he did. I always did have problems envisioning myself in a cubicle, office, classroom, store, at home. I just couldn't get the image I was longing for. So when God did give me a vision, it didn't take me by surprise that I wasn't in any of those places. No, you didn't read that wrong. It's true. I wasn't in any office, classroom, cubicle, store, etc. No. I was in some rural village (Africa maybe?), a small shack behind me (or a hut), the ground was dusty and pure dirt not a single blade of grass lay beneath my feet. Children clustered about me, anxiously awaiting their turns for I wasn't simply standing there. I was spinning in circles, twirling young children around as we both smiled and laughed. My hair was flying around loosely behind me and I seemed not to care. I wore a long skirt which should have bothered me in the hot sun, but it didn't. I didn't care. I was HAPPY. Key word there, HAPPY!
After that it didn't take me long to figure out my calling in life. A mere second to be exact.
Missions.
I had always loved the idea of being a missionary. The stories thrilled me, the adventure excited me. It seemed like the ultimate, extreme, adventure for Christ. Even as a young girl the idea was always exciting. But the one time I asked my Mom what she would think if I became one, her grin disappeared and she looked at me solemnly. "That's a hard life. It's not easy. You'd be far, FAR, from home." I told her I knew it'd be hard but she merely repeated her words. "It's not easy. You'd be far, far from home." So I ditched the idea as my own were much more appealing. My teenage thoughts of running off to Alaska sounded much better than traveling thousands of miles, living far from family, living on little to nothing, facing danger every day. Nah, Alaska was much better. Heck even Colorado or Australia would be better. Or so I though.
Even though I had just had an encounter with God about my calling, I still wasn't sure. I still had too much to deal with in my own life. Things I wasn't ready to deal with and didn't' ever want to deal with. I often wrote that my pain, my anger, my hatred, defined me as a person. That without it I wouldn't be me anymore. I was wrong. It was because I had those that I wasn't who God had made me to be. They were preventing me from being me. They had polluted the real me and changed me into something totally different. It took me a long time to realize it. But wait, that's not for now. That comes a little later. I've got to continue where I left off.
That encounter got me thinking, got change starting. When my Mom talked about all the new exciting things she was learning, I listened. I listened and absorbed it all. I didn't like it. I hated it. But I listened anyway. I still resented her, still disliked her, still felt anger towards her and several others. But slowly, ever so slowly, God was breaking down the walls around my heart. Things were in motion that I could never undo. I just didn't realize it at the time.
Till next time
After escaping that bout with depression and another "low" point, I was trying to picture myself in the future. What type of job? Where would I be? So I sat on my bed staring at the wall to eliminate distractions and closed my eyes. The room was silent, I was alone. A perfect place to meet with God. I thought about it, asked God to show me, to enlighten me and he did. I always did have problems envisioning myself in a cubicle, office, classroom, store, at home. I just couldn't get the image I was longing for. So when God did give me a vision, it didn't take me by surprise that I wasn't in any of those places. No, you didn't read that wrong. It's true. I wasn't in any office, classroom, cubicle, store, etc. No. I was in some rural village (Africa maybe?), a small shack behind me (or a hut), the ground was dusty and pure dirt not a single blade of grass lay beneath my feet. Children clustered about me, anxiously awaiting their turns for I wasn't simply standing there. I was spinning in circles, twirling young children around as we both smiled and laughed. My hair was flying around loosely behind me and I seemed not to care. I wore a long skirt which should have bothered me in the hot sun, but it didn't. I didn't care. I was HAPPY. Key word there, HAPPY!
After that it didn't take me long to figure out my calling in life. A mere second to be exact.
Missions.
I had always loved the idea of being a missionary. The stories thrilled me, the adventure excited me. It seemed like the ultimate, extreme, adventure for Christ. Even as a young girl the idea was always exciting. But the one time I asked my Mom what she would think if I became one, her grin disappeared and she looked at me solemnly. "That's a hard life. It's not easy. You'd be far, FAR, from home." I told her I knew it'd be hard but she merely repeated her words. "It's not easy. You'd be far, far from home." So I ditched the idea as my own were much more appealing. My teenage thoughts of running off to Alaska sounded much better than traveling thousands of miles, living far from family, living on little to nothing, facing danger every day. Nah, Alaska was much better. Heck even Colorado or Australia would be better. Or so I though.
Even though I had just had an encounter with God about my calling, I still wasn't sure. I still had too much to deal with in my own life. Things I wasn't ready to deal with and didn't' ever want to deal with. I often wrote that my pain, my anger, my hatred, defined me as a person. That without it I wouldn't be me anymore. I was wrong. It was because I had those that I wasn't who God had made me to be. They were preventing me from being me. They had polluted the real me and changed me into something totally different. It took me a long time to realize it. But wait, that's not for now. That comes a little later. I've got to continue where I left off.
That encounter got me thinking, got change starting. When my Mom talked about all the new exciting things she was learning, I listened. I listened and absorbed it all. I didn't like it. I hated it. But I listened anyway. I still resented her, still disliked her, still felt anger towards her and several others. But slowly, ever so slowly, God was breaking down the walls around my heart. Things were in motion that I could never undo. I just didn't realize it at the time.
Till next time
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ineffable! (#1)
OMG!
1. I can't believe I just wrote that.
2. That's exactly how I feel! :) I feel like screaming and jumping for joy! I'm so pumped it's crazy! I can't wait to get out in the world!
Okay, maybe I should backtrack a little. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Maybe I should make this a little series so that it doesn't take up fifty billion pages. :)
Now. Where to begin? The beginning sounds like a decent place. :) (Jeesh, calm down! Enough with the smiley faces. Breathe. Breathe. There, much better) So, the past few years have been a pretty rough time for me. Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. This blog is evidence enough. :| Well I've got some great news for you, THINGS ARE CHANGING! Well duh. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Oh Well. Doesn't matter, I'm about to now! :) (GAH! I said enough!...Sorry...will try not to smile...)
A few months ago I was pretty frustrated with this little thing called "High School Graduation". I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, where I was going and often felt completely alone in the world. I played with several ideas, ranging from go to a Christian Internship to run away to Alaska and hide out there. (As if the wilderness could hide me from God!) I felt so lost and alone and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My friends were all either busy with their own lives or struggling through their own problems. None of them would need my problems to add to their own burdens. So I bottled it up and left it on the back shelf of my heart. As I did everything I didn't want to deal with. Then back in August I reached a low point. I was sitting in my room, Senior Year was about to start and I was freaking out as I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. Finally, I called out to God. But I felt like I wasn't getting enough, like I had too many distractions so I went outside, took my Zune with me, played some music and started talking to God out loud. I hadn't even gone very far when the song "I'm Counting on God" by the Desperation Band began to play. It wasn't even on my playlist. :) I started laughing saying "Okay God. I get the picture! Okay God! I've got it!" I put aside all my worries about the future, things I shouldn't have even been worrying about in the first place and simply gave it all to God. That was the first thing I have ever truly given to God. My Future.
I continued on the next few weeks, worry creeping back every now and then but something within me always knew that it'd be okay. Then one day I sat down on my bed and began to think. I had just barely survived another low point of mine. Escaping with a few new scars, sadly self inflicted ones. Below are a few pictures I took over the past few months. It really began over a year ago, but this past year was the worst for it. Sadly I do not have an updated picture but the row of "lines" across my hand now spans the entire length of the back of my hand. The bottom picture was one of the first pictures I took. Shortly after I first began my experiments with pencils. The middle one is the latest one I have to show you, but it was taken several months ago. Probably back in July. The first one was taken in mid May. However the one that matters the most is the middle one. The one that shows the best what it's like. As that one shows not only two very recent ones but several other ones that were in the works of becoming true scars. Many have faded, but are still quite visible in good light and when compared with my right hand. :| The line that appears to stretch across the back of my hand in the 2nd one really only goes about half way. It's just the angle the picture was taken at. Now, as I sit here typing, the line stops just shy of an inch from the far side of my hand.
Sigh. I think this is a decent place to stop for now. This post is already long enough but really, I'm just beginning. Pictures of my depressed self's "actions" are not really the most memorable things to look at. Although I am glad I took them. Other than the scars on my hand, they give me a great reminder at how far I sunk.
1. I can't believe I just wrote that.
2. That's exactly how I feel! :) I feel like screaming and jumping for joy! I'm so pumped it's crazy! I can't wait to get out in the world!
Okay, maybe I should backtrack a little. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Maybe I should make this a little series so that it doesn't take up fifty billion pages. :)
Now. Where to begin? The beginning sounds like a decent place. :) (Jeesh, calm down! Enough with the smiley faces. Breathe. Breathe. There, much better) So, the past few years have been a pretty rough time for me. Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. This blog is evidence enough. :| Well I've got some great news for you, THINGS ARE CHANGING! Well duh. I already mentioned that, didn't I? Oh Well. Doesn't matter, I'm about to now! :) (GAH! I said enough!...Sorry...will try not to smile...)
A few months ago I was pretty frustrated with this little thing called "High School Graduation". I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, where I was going and often felt completely alone in the world. I played with several ideas, ranging from go to a Christian Internship to run away to Alaska and hide out there. (As if the wilderness could hide me from God!) I felt so lost and alone and didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My friends were all either busy with their own lives or struggling through their own problems. None of them would need my problems to add to their own burdens. So I bottled it up and left it on the back shelf of my heart. As I did everything I didn't want to deal with. Then back in August I reached a low point. I was sitting in my room, Senior Year was about to start and I was freaking out as I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. Finally, I called out to God. But I felt like I wasn't getting enough, like I had too many distractions so I went outside, took my Zune with me, played some music and started talking to God out loud. I hadn't even gone very far when the song "I'm Counting on God" by the Desperation Band began to play. It wasn't even on my playlist. :) I started laughing saying "Okay God. I get the picture! Okay God! I've got it!" I put aside all my worries about the future, things I shouldn't have even been worrying about in the first place and simply gave it all to God. That was the first thing I have ever truly given to God. My Future.
I continued on the next few weeks, worry creeping back every now and then but something within me always knew that it'd be okay. Then one day I sat down on my bed and began to think. I had just barely survived another low point of mine. Escaping with a few new scars, sadly self inflicted ones. Below are a few pictures I took over the past few months. It really began over a year ago, but this past year was the worst for it. Sadly I do not have an updated picture but the row of "lines" across my hand now spans the entire length of the back of my hand. The bottom picture was one of the first pictures I took. Shortly after I first began my experiments with pencils. The middle one is the latest one I have to show you, but it was taken several months ago. Probably back in July. The first one was taken in mid May. However the one that matters the most is the middle one. The one that shows the best what it's like. As that one shows not only two very recent ones but several other ones that were in the works of becoming true scars. Many have faded, but are still quite visible in good light and when compared with my right hand. :| The line that appears to stretch across the back of my hand in the 2nd one really only goes about half way. It's just the angle the picture was taken at. Now, as I sit here typing, the line stops just shy of an inch from the far side of my hand.
Sigh. I think this is a decent place to stop for now. This post is already long enough but really, I'm just beginning. Pictures of my depressed self's "actions" are not really the most memorable things to look at. Although I am glad I took them. Other than the scars on my hand, they give me a great reminder at how far I sunk.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
He's Jealous?
He's jealous? How in the world is he jealous of ME! Of MY relationship with God! How?! There is absolutely nothing to be jealous of, yet he's jealous. But then again, I guess we don't talk too much anymore so he wouldn't know that that very relationship he's so jealous of, is sorta...kinda...slipping down the drain. To be honest, only a small handful of people actually know about that. I try my best to keep it hidden while I try to figure this whole thing out. But really, he's jealous of it. Why?
*Sigh* He's jealous of something that no longer is. He's jealous of the relationship I used to have. And now, more than ever I want him to go. To just get away. To leave. To go back to his home. To stay out of my life. To stay away. It won't be long before he's overseas for the military anyway. So its not like I have to wait too long. But I just can't take it anymore, him being here. Every moment he's here is like a slap in the face. It reminds me of all the failed relationships I have, of all the things I've shoved away. Hidden in the dark corners of my heart. He brings them all back to the surface to show their faces, to remind me of their existence. He's not aware of it, but he does it. Every time he comes back into my life he does that to me. And I don't know how to get away from it all.
He still believes that we have a great relationship. That he knows me, understands me, that I trust him with things. But what he doesn't know is that that is a thing of the past. He's on a one way street now. He's gone, he's lost his role in my life. I love him. I always will, he's my older brother. But trust him? Tell him things no one else knows? Talk to him about life? I just can't go there again. That's gone, the moment he ditched L and I was the moment I pushed him away. And slowly, ever so slowly since that day...I've been pushing him. Further and further away. He's just like those bad memories and failed relationships, things I keep hidden in the darkest corners of my heart. I don't think I need to list those things. They are probably quite obvious enough. Really all I need to say are "Mother" "Father" "God" "J" and there ya go. All those things I keep hidden revolve around those four simple words. Those "innocent" little lines on my hand...fall under one or more of those categories right there. Really, just about everything fits under those four words. *Sigh* He just needs to leave. He's been here too long. It's time for him to go.
*Sigh* He's jealous of something that no longer is. He's jealous of the relationship I used to have. And now, more than ever I want him to go. To just get away. To leave. To go back to his home. To stay out of my life. To stay away. It won't be long before he's overseas for the military anyway. So its not like I have to wait too long. But I just can't take it anymore, him being here. Every moment he's here is like a slap in the face. It reminds me of all the failed relationships I have, of all the things I've shoved away. Hidden in the dark corners of my heart. He brings them all back to the surface to show their faces, to remind me of their existence. He's not aware of it, but he does it. Every time he comes back into my life he does that to me. And I don't know how to get away from it all.
He still believes that we have a great relationship. That he knows me, understands me, that I trust him with things. But what he doesn't know is that that is a thing of the past. He's on a one way street now. He's gone, he's lost his role in my life. I love him. I always will, he's my older brother. But trust him? Tell him things no one else knows? Talk to him about life? I just can't go there again. That's gone, the moment he ditched L and I was the moment I pushed him away. And slowly, ever so slowly since that day...I've been pushing him. Further and further away. He's just like those bad memories and failed relationships, things I keep hidden in the darkest corners of my heart. I don't think I need to list those things. They are probably quite obvious enough. Really all I need to say are "Mother" "Father" "God" "J" and there ya go. All those things I keep hidden revolve around those four simple words. Those "innocent" little lines on my hand...fall under one or more of those categories right there. Really, just about everything fits under those four words. *Sigh* He just needs to leave. He's been here too long. It's time for him to go.
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