Daddy problems. Or Lack of "Daddy", problems. This last weekend I went up north to my cousin's wedding, she danced with her "daddy", walked down the aisle with her "daddy", had her "daddy" speak to everyone, and they even had a "daddy & daughter" dance where all the dads went out and danced with their little girls.
I had to fight back the tears and hide my face behind my baby cousin so my Mom wouldn't see.
Today, they talked about Dads in class, and about how little girls just want them to be there to hold them, tell them everything is going to be okay, and to ask who they need to go beat up.
Once again I had to fight back tears from my classmates as all those emotions from the previous two days flooded through me. Immediately after class I hoped in my car and drove. I drove for a solid 2 hours, out into the wilderness, exploring the the edges of the roads, following paths until the three lane black top road turned to a one way gravel trail. Some 2 hours later I finally returned, bleary eyed, tired, feeling down, lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, and slightly depressed.
I spent the day laying on the couch watching Disney movies, mopping around the apartment and trying to be happy. I munched on comfort foods, all with way too many calories and lounged around some more. At some point Carter showed up and made me food, and we watched a movie. Toy Story. One I had watched only a few hours earlier.
I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to listen to anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone. I didn't want to even talk to God about it, knowing full well what he'd say to me. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted my family. My real family. I wanted my brothers to hug me and tell me I'd be okay. I wanted my Dad to love me. I wanted my Grandfathers to be alive and to actually care about me.
It's hard, having no father figure in your life. Not even a Grandfather. Nor an older brother around to comfort you and hug you and ask who they need to go beat up.
Sigh, where have all the men disappeared to? Why are there none in my life? No Fathers. No Brothers. No Grandfathers. None.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Where has my life gone?
Time.
It's passing me by, faster than I would like. I look back on my life, on the years I've spent and what memories do I have? I've always waited until I was older, more mature to start having fun. What I didn't realize was that my life was wasting away. I live my life without any form of true fun, I have no memories to look back on and laugh about. Where did my childhood go, where did the fun and excitement, the carefree, reckless teenage years...where did they disappear to?
Now, now I'm all...adultish. I'm responsible and mature, not because I choose to be. But because I have to be. I can't just blow 40 bucks at the mall, I have to save it for tuition and rent. I can't just eat out everyday after school, I need to budget that money to help pay my way home for Thanksgiving. I have to get up and force myself to go to school and to work because...well heck, I'm PAYING for this school, why skip it? And I have to go to work because I need the money. I wish I could go to work because I enjoyed it, but alas---i'm not there yet. I know someday I will be, but that's not yet.
Sigh. Everything's not yet. That's all I've told myself since I was a kid "Not yet" and now. Now I look back and I feel like I've wasted my life away.
Being an adult isn't any fun. And to think, I was excited about coming down here and being an adult. Apparently, I didn't know what I had when I had it. How many people can say the same? Probably too many.
It's passing me by, faster than I would like. I look back on my life, on the years I've spent and what memories do I have? I've always waited until I was older, more mature to start having fun. What I didn't realize was that my life was wasting away. I live my life without any form of true fun, I have no memories to look back on and laugh about. Where did my childhood go, where did the fun and excitement, the carefree, reckless teenage years...where did they disappear to?
Now, now I'm all...adultish. I'm responsible and mature, not because I choose to be. But because I have to be. I can't just blow 40 bucks at the mall, I have to save it for tuition and rent. I can't just eat out everyday after school, I need to budget that money to help pay my way home for Thanksgiving. I have to get up and force myself to go to school and to work because...well heck, I'm PAYING for this school, why skip it? And I have to go to work because I need the money. I wish I could go to work because I enjoyed it, but alas---i'm not there yet. I know someday I will be, but that's not yet.
Sigh. Everything's not yet. That's all I've told myself since I was a kid "Not yet" and now. Now I look back and I feel like I've wasted my life away.
Being an adult isn't any fun. And to think, I was excited about coming down here and being an adult. Apparently, I didn't know what I had when I had it. How many people can say the same? Probably too many.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
TIC
This is College
I've gone through so many odd, weird, interesting, different things lately that it's almost become common. When things go as planned, now that's just weird. That's something that NEEDS to be discussed. But what I now consider normal, common, typical-those are the things people want to hear about. Cause while it's normal for me, it's not for them. So what has happened that needs to be shared?
I met Edward Cullen. In real life-his name is Jake. How ironic is that?
I learned that Carter has a very low tolerance for drugs :)
I learned that skipping class results in low grades.
I figured out that if you don't emerge from your apartment in more than 36 hours-then you're a hermit by default.
I've been called "baby" by old men in hotel rooms.
I've been stuck at work at the end of the day, with no ride home.
I've ruined surprise birthday gifts.
I've gone to Walmart alone at midnight for toilet paper.
I've been approached by an old man in a Walmart parking lot for gas money.
I lost $20 in tip money-I don't know how. I totally cried all the way home after that, frustrated and confused.
I've laid in bed sobbing.
I've stared at a picture of my "nieces" for hours, trying to not cry.
I stood at the head of the tub, and used the shower head to spray it down.
I wanted to cut my feet off to stop the pain after spending an entire day standing at work.
I fell on my bed, in my work clothes, and passed out in a second.
I spent 2.5 hours reading a tiny 50 page book on the 3 fold nature of man.
I have peed in the bathroom while my roommates were in there. They're trying to break me in.
I shared my poetry with my roommate.
I danced and sang praises to God after an amazing night at church.
I watched as God moved in my roommate's lives.
I sat on the kitchen floor for 2 hours when my roommates fought with each other in the living room. this was my 2nd day at school.
I have been body slammed in my bed twice by a roommate.
I have taught myself how to cook via Google.
I learned that my roommates don't know to survive without a microwave.
I learned that sharing food isn't always a good idea.
I learned that if you don't do dishes they pile up.
I learned that said dishes attract bugs.
I learned that if you leave a damp towel on the counter top for a long time-said bugs will mate underneath it.
I finally understand how my family felt about the litter box.
I finally appreciate my little brother.
I was pranked my cousin and his roommates-they called and told me a murderer was on the loose and knocking on random people's doors. Said guys-then came and knocked on my door all creepily like.
I took a shower at the gym because ours was broken.
I have a friend who likes to pretend his Moses and leading his people out of exile/exhalation. Once free of the mass of people trying to exit, we then promptly complain. :)
I have 13 books due by November 10th, I've read one.
I ran to walmart at midnight for ice cream and cookie dough.
I went to an expensive hair cutting salon and was pampered for the day.
I've rolled hundreds of silverware for work.
I watched as one of the kittens popped on of my roommates faces.
I played hide and seek in the park at 2am.
I colored princesses and fish just for the fun of it.
I made breakfast for my roommates' birthday.
I have yet to be late for work.
I took off one of my socks because it matched the other one. I physically could not live with myself for wearing it.
I walked to Wendy's with a group of people at 2am because we were hungry.
Yep, this is College.
I've gone through so many odd, weird, interesting, different things lately that it's almost become common. When things go as planned, now that's just weird. That's something that NEEDS to be discussed. But what I now consider normal, common, typical-those are the things people want to hear about. Cause while it's normal for me, it's not for them. So what has happened that needs to be shared?
I met Edward Cullen. In real life-his name is Jake. How ironic is that?
I learned that Carter has a very low tolerance for drugs :)
I learned that skipping class results in low grades.
I figured out that if you don't emerge from your apartment in more than 36 hours-then you're a hermit by default.
I've been called "baby" by old men in hotel rooms.
I've been stuck at work at the end of the day, with no ride home.
I've ruined surprise birthday gifts.
I've gone to Walmart alone at midnight for toilet paper.
I've been approached by an old man in a Walmart parking lot for gas money.
I lost $20 in tip money-I don't know how. I totally cried all the way home after that, frustrated and confused.
I've laid in bed sobbing.
I've stared at a picture of my "nieces" for hours, trying to not cry.
I stood at the head of the tub, and used the shower head to spray it down.
I wanted to cut my feet off to stop the pain after spending an entire day standing at work.
I fell on my bed, in my work clothes, and passed out in a second.
I spent 2.5 hours reading a tiny 50 page book on the 3 fold nature of man.
I have peed in the bathroom while my roommates were in there. They're trying to break me in.
I shared my poetry with my roommate.
I danced and sang praises to God after an amazing night at church.
I watched as God moved in my roommate's lives.
I sat on the kitchen floor for 2 hours when my roommates fought with each other in the living room. this was my 2nd day at school.
I have been body slammed in my bed twice by a roommate.
I have taught myself how to cook via Google.
I learned that my roommates don't know to survive without a microwave.
I learned that sharing food isn't always a good idea.
I learned that if you don't do dishes they pile up.
I learned that said dishes attract bugs.
I learned that if you leave a damp towel on the counter top for a long time-said bugs will mate underneath it.
I finally understand how my family felt about the litter box.
I finally appreciate my little brother.
I was pranked my cousin and his roommates-they called and told me a murderer was on the loose and knocking on random people's doors. Said guys-then came and knocked on my door all creepily like.
I took a shower at the gym because ours was broken.
I have a friend who likes to pretend his Moses and leading his people out of exile/exhalation. Once free of the mass of people trying to exit, we then promptly complain. :)
I have 13 books due by November 10th, I've read one.
I ran to walmart at midnight for ice cream and cookie dough.
I went to an expensive hair cutting salon and was pampered for the day.
I've rolled hundreds of silverware for work.
I watched as one of the kittens popped on of my roommates faces.
I played hide and seek in the park at 2am.
I colored princesses and fish just for the fun of it.
I made breakfast for my roommates' birthday.
I have yet to be late for work.
I took off one of my socks because it matched the other one. I physically could not live with myself for wearing it.
I walked to Wendy's with a group of people at 2am because we were hungry.
Yep, this is College.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Flickering Lights
Flickering Lights.
Broken Dreams.
Nightmares become Reality.
Do I dare?
Do I dare jump into the unknown?
Am I brave enough to face the trials?
The persecution?
Would I crumble,
Would I stand strong
Even when all else is going wrong?
Broken Dreams.
Nightmares become Reality.
Do I dare?
Do I dare jump into the unknown?
Am I brave enough to face the trials?
The persecution?
Would I crumble,
Would I stand strong
Even when all else is going wrong?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Who Am I
(INCOMPLETE!-obviously. For once in my life, I'm at a loss for words. Meaning-I can't find the words to finish this dang poem!)
Who am I, to question your motivation.
The reasoning behind your call
whether I'm worthy or not.
If I deserve the blessing?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Creative Juices
I've always had problems getting my creative juices flowing when I have no desirable form of inspiration. I mean, my brain can only do so much here. So, that's where pictures come in. Since I mainly write fantasy I tend to look up fantasy landscapes and wallpapers or just pictures that would seem impossible. They get my mind working and I try to figure out what my character would do if they were in a place like that. So, without further ado (I hate that phrase-whoever came up with it anyway, it sounds so lame) here are my pictures of inspiration to get the creative juices flowing.
Friday, October 21, 2011
365
I'm attempting the 365 Photo a Day Challenge once again. Last time I sort of managed to get to about month 3, but then spring break through me for a loop and I lost it. Oops. Well, here I am trying it again only a few months later. I figured there's really no better way to start than to just--Start. So that's what I'm doing. I technically started it a little bit ago, but I'm just now blogging about it. Go figure. Probably doesn't help that I'm super behind in my blogging. Oops. Oh well. In case you were interested, here are my first few days of the challenge. I have more, but they aren't blog worthy. At least not yet...
1.365
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