I think I'm going crazy. Yesterday I thought it was Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday, and then Friday. And then last night, for a brief moment, I thought it was December. But it's not.
What is happening here! Why is my mind so dang screwed up? I would say I blame the fact that my brain is so overwhelmed right now, but oh wait. I'm not allowed to blame it on other things. (Even though this time it's probably true.)
My mind is so crowded, overworked, overwhelmed. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't think through my thoughts long enough to even write them down. I know there are things I'm worried about. I know there are things I should be doing. I know there are things I want to be doing. But what those things are...
That I cannot tell you. Not because I don't want to, but because I honestly don't know what they are. Which is why this post is...is...so, random I guess? I just don't know anymore. Like I don't know why I just put a question mark at the end of that sentence or why I'm even still here typing away.
Honestly, I think I'm going crazy. I think I'm stressed. Actually, I know I'm stressed. I'm starting to freak out and I just don't know what to do with myself. But you already know that part.
Maybe I should step away from the computer, go clear my head. Somehow, somewhere. Where? I'm not quite sure just yet. Maybe if I actually take the time to lift my fingers from this keyboard which somehow seems to draw me towards it, like a magnet really, then perhaps I'll find the answer outside of this pathetically tiny room with no air floor and stuffy-sweaty-boy smell that lingers annoyingly in the corner. Okay that last part made absolutely no sense so I think I should just stop now before everything thinks I've lost my marbles.
Even though I already have.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
I am Blessed
Since no one really reads this, it probably doesn't matter. But earlier today I was attempting to find a new template for this blog. I tried several before realizing that the one I have now works just fine. Even though it looks like a barren waste land. I will just have to deal with it for a bit longer. At least until I can figure out what the heck I am doing.
But here's one thing, one good thing at least. I found out a few minutes ago that my financial burden has been somewhat lifted. Not only will I be receiving 110 back from my apartment deposit, but I have also received a 4th roommate. Saving me about $50 each month. I guess someone up there thinks I am deserving.
Thank you God!
But here's one thing, one good thing at least. I found out a few minutes ago that my financial burden has been somewhat lifted. Not only will I be receiving 110 back from my apartment deposit, but I have also received a 4th roommate. Saving me about $50 each month. I guess someone up there thinks I am deserving.
Thank you God!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Believe It
I know that God will provide, or at least I thought I knew. Lately, I find myself repeating it and repeating it and even writing it on my arm, putting it as my phone banner, etc. It's literally everywhere. But at the same time, I just don't believe it. I find it hard to believe that God can...well not that he "can" provide. I know he's capable but I find myself, well. Feeling unworthy of being provided for. If that even makes sense.
Yesterday as I was driving home I thought about everything I had witnessed in the past few months. People I know have been giving God their finances and suddenly everything's falling into place. They have the money, they aren't worried and they can afford to go to school. Me, I'm the one who's sitting in her room with a calculator nervously analyzing every little detail hoping that I can actually afford this whole school thing. I haven't actually given it up to God. I've said it, but then I go right back and start planning again and analyzing. It doesn't work like that. If I "give" something to God then I have to stop worrying and just trust that he'll make it all work.
That's where I've failed.
So as I was driving I had a conversation with God. And came to the realization that I simply don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy enough to deserve support or provision. All my life I've wandered around feeling unworthy of, well just about anything. I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be loved, provided for, cared about, worried about. Really I just don't feel good enough for anything. And I know that's now how it's supposed to be. I know that it's "not true" but I can't get that idea out of my head.
I'm trying to believe it. I'm trying to believe that I am in fact good enough to be supported and provided for. That I do deserve to be loved and cared about. So to make myself believe it, I'm going on a fast. A 21 day fast. Why the 21 day fast, because it's really the only fast I know. I guess I could do just about anything, but I think I'll stick with what I know. At least for now. So 21 days it is. Basically what this fast is, is you go 1 week with just liquids. Preferably no soda, sports drinks, etc. Then its 2 weeks of just fruit and vegetables. Oh and liquids. You can still drink. Cause you know, that's kind of important.
But what I'm supposed to do is when I would be eating a meal, I'm supposed to sit there and meditate on the word or pray to God. Every time I've tried this fast, I've failed. I blame the fact that... never mind. I can't make excuses. The real reason I fail is because I'm simply a wimp. I give up way too quickly. But this time, this time I want it to be different. I don't care if I'm moving in 12 days. The other 9 days of the fast can take place at school. That's not a big deal. Anyways, I've never actually done the whole pray and meditate on God's word aspect of this fast so I think I'm going to try that this time around. See how it goes.
Right now, my only prayer is that I make it through the day.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Oh God, Why?
I don't know how to title this post. I don't know how to start this post. In fact, I hardly know why I'm writing this post. Really, I don't know much. It's shocking, how clueless I actually am. People think I'm so smart, and wonder why I get put in detention. (Actually it's just because I'm notoriously late every.single.day)
Perhaps the reason I'm not sure where to begin, its because this isn't just a simple fact. It's not like my "fat" posts. I can't just throw out the facts and hope that no one bothers to read them because they're embarrassing. This is one of those emotional posts. Something that comes from the soul, something I've tried to escape for several years. Almost ten actually. This is something I tried to forget about, something I tried to remove from my life and hoped I would never ever ever have to revisit.
This is something I simple have to do.
No it's not write this post. It's talk to my dad. Face to face. Person to person. It's something I have to do. At first I thought I could simply send him a letter, maybe an email and tell him how I felt. Then I realized how dumb and cowardly that was and that if I did it that way, then I would be just as pathetic as him. Plan B was to call him up on the phone and tell him. It sounded good at the time, until that idea got shot down by the one and only (AMAZING) Father I have in heaven :) It wasn't until then that I actually took the time to listen to why he was calling me to do this. To forgive the man who I've considered "dead" for so long. The man who stole my childhood, and abandoned me at an early age. The man who no longer, well actually he never did, deserves the title "Father" or "Dad".
Let me back up for a moment. A few weeks ago as I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. I asked God to search my soul and show me whatever he found fault with. I'm not really sure how on earth to phrase that, I know it sounds a little...well, you know. Strange. But that's basically what I did. At the time I figured he'd start out small. I knew/know I have a lot of things wrong with me. Several grudges, bad little habits, that type of thing. I thought he'd pull up something like my Mom, or my Brother and have me deal with that little "Mountain" first. I never thought he'd go all the way in, past all my barricades, locked doors, steel walls...you get the idea...and bring up the one thing I had tried to hide, to bury away since the day it happened.
(I would say "you guessed it..." but I kind of already told you where this was going.) Yeah, my Dad. It's like God went to the deepest, darkest place in my soul and dragged this out. I figured this would be the final step, the last thing I'd do. Apparently not. I mean, it does make sense. Here I am wanting to be a missionary, one of the things they do is they go around and tell people "you need to forgive so and so for doing blah". And how can I tell them to do that, if I can't even forgive a man whose only crime was walking out the door? Compared to others, what he did was hardly anything. So how can I tell them to forgive the person who killed their husband, son, daughter. Who raped them or their child. Who sold them as a sex slave. Who burned their village. How can I tell them they need to forgive, if I can't forgive a man who simply wasn't around? I'd be hypocritical. It just wouldn't be right.
So that brings me to where I am now. And to be honest, I still don't want to do this. After God told me I needed to, or rather that I had to...for my own good. I argued with him. I begged him, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I had this grand idea that someday my "Dad" would come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. But instead God was telling me that I had to go to him and tell him face to face that I forgave him.
Sigh.
I have to see him. There's no escaping it, I have to go. I just hope I can maintain my composure.
Perhaps the reason I'm not sure where to begin, its because this isn't just a simple fact. It's not like my "fat" posts. I can't just throw out the facts and hope that no one bothers to read them because they're embarrassing. This is one of those emotional posts. Something that comes from the soul, something I've tried to escape for several years. Almost ten actually. This is something I tried to forget about, something I tried to remove from my life and hoped I would never ever ever have to revisit.
This is something I simple have to do.
No it's not write this post. It's talk to my dad. Face to face. Person to person. It's something I have to do. At first I thought I could simply send him a letter, maybe an email and tell him how I felt. Then I realized how dumb and cowardly that was and that if I did it that way, then I would be just as pathetic as him. Plan B was to call him up on the phone and tell him. It sounded good at the time, until that idea got shot down by the one and only (AMAZING) Father I have in heaven :) It wasn't until then that I actually took the time to listen to why he was calling me to do this. To forgive the man who I've considered "dead" for so long. The man who stole my childhood, and abandoned me at an early age. The man who no longer, well actually he never did, deserves the title "Father" or "Dad".
Let me back up for a moment. A few weeks ago as I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. I asked God to search my soul and show me whatever he found fault with. I'm not really sure how on earth to phrase that, I know it sounds a little...well, you know. Strange. But that's basically what I did. At the time I figured he'd start out small. I knew/know I have a lot of things wrong with me. Several grudges, bad little habits, that type of thing. I thought he'd pull up something like my Mom, or my Brother and have me deal with that little "Mountain" first. I never thought he'd go all the way in, past all my barricades, locked doors, steel walls...you get the idea...and bring up the one thing I had tried to hide, to bury away since the day it happened.
(I would say "you guessed it..." but I kind of already told you where this was going.) Yeah, my Dad. It's like God went to the deepest, darkest place in my soul and dragged this out. I figured this would be the final step, the last thing I'd do. Apparently not. I mean, it does make sense. Here I am wanting to be a missionary, one of the things they do is they go around and tell people "you need to forgive so and so for doing blah". And how can I tell them to do that, if I can't even forgive a man whose only crime was walking out the door? Compared to others, what he did was hardly anything. So how can I tell them to forgive the person who killed their husband, son, daughter. Who raped them or their child. Who sold them as a sex slave. Who burned their village. How can I tell them they need to forgive, if I can't forgive a man who simply wasn't around? I'd be hypocritical. It just wouldn't be right.
So that brings me to where I am now. And to be honest, I still don't want to do this. After God told me I needed to, or rather that I had to...for my own good. I argued with him. I begged him, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I had this grand idea that someday my "Dad" would come crawling back and beg for forgiveness. But instead God was telling me that I had to go to him and tell him face to face that I forgave him.
Sigh.
I have to see him. There's no escaping it, I have to go. I just hope I can maintain my composure.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Clumsy 'Ole Me
Ouch.
I stabbed myself...with a fork. Honestly it's quite embarrassing. But it's the truth. I wouldn't try to lie to you...or would I? ;) Basically all the blame can be traced back to the fact that I suck at cooking. I honestly do. The campers pretend to enjoy my desserts, but I've seen the slop bucket. I know where 3/4 of it ends up. And it is not pretty. (Oh the slop bucket, a camp favorite among the lovely little children :) Rotting orange peels, watermelon rinds, outdated cottage cheese, leftover macaroni, soggy french toast. It has quite the "aroma") Due to my lack of cooking skills, I over cooked a tray of brownies. The tiny square hockey pucks also managed to stick their obnoxious little bodies to my lovely tray-removal was near impossible.
Thinking I was "all that" I grabbed a fork and headed over to the tray no one else wanted to touch. Placing my fork a fair distance from the brownie, I prepared to jam it underneath and remove the offending brownie.
Needless to say, I missed. And hit the base of my thumb, right in the crease. Right near all those veins. The protrusion was actually quite impressive and I couldn't get the blood to stop squirting out. Thankfully "Super Nurse Murfs" was there to save the day. He bandaged my hand and left it look quite worse than it actually was. And, it is quite obvious. Its no fun having to tell people that I stabbed myself with a fork. I look like a fool for it.
But that's just the lot I've got to live with. Fun :P
I stabbed myself...with a fork. Honestly it's quite embarrassing. But it's the truth. I wouldn't try to lie to you...or would I? ;) Basically all the blame can be traced back to the fact that I suck at cooking. I honestly do. The campers pretend to enjoy my desserts, but I've seen the slop bucket. I know where 3/4 of it ends up. And it is not pretty. (Oh the slop bucket, a camp favorite among the lovely little children :) Rotting orange peels, watermelon rinds, outdated cottage cheese, leftover macaroni, soggy french toast. It has quite the "aroma") Due to my lack of cooking skills, I over cooked a tray of brownies. The tiny square hockey pucks also managed to stick their obnoxious little bodies to my lovely tray-removal was near impossible.
Thinking I was "all that" I grabbed a fork and headed over to the tray no one else wanted to touch. Placing my fork a fair distance from the brownie, I prepared to jam it underneath and remove the offending brownie.
Needless to say, I missed. And hit the base of my thumb, right in the crease. Right near all those veins. The protrusion was actually quite impressive and I couldn't get the blood to stop squirting out. Thankfully "Super Nurse Murfs" was there to save the day. He bandaged my hand and left it look quite worse than it actually was. And, it is quite obvious. Its no fun having to tell people that I stabbed myself with a fork. I look like a fool for it.
But that's just the lot I've got to live with. Fun :P
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Jumbled Thoughts
I don't even know what's going on anymore, I can hardly contain my excitement! In fact a few days ago my brain nearly blew up as I tried to explain the complicated mass of thoughts swarming my already too full brain! You should have seen the size of that email! It was so freaking large that I had to send it in 3 parts! Although, come to think of it, that was more for her benefit than mine. I didn't want my friend freaking out and not being able to read the entire thing in one sitting so I sent three in case she wanted to split it up a little. But guess what else I figured out in the process! When you do things like that, the person almost always reads the next piece because they are interested and think to themselves "just one more, it won't be long" but really its the same time length as it would have been if it was one large email! Maybe even longer! HA! I'm a genius.
Wait.
Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!
I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)
Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...
Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!
See what I mean?
Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.
You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!
WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.
Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?
Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.
THEY ALREADY DO!
So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?
Wait.
Somebody's already figured that out? Darn. Here I was thinking I'm all that, but really I'm not. I'm just a pathetic broke college student with nothing but excitement to look forward to! GAH! I Can't wait! Hence my freaking out and the exclamation points!
I have 2 essays due tomorrow you say? WHO CARES! I'd much rather look at apartments and facebook stalk my new roommates so that I can get to know them, and do whatever else I feel like doing at the moment. (NO I do not actually stalk them! I just glance at their page to see what they're up to and then move on! I'm not creepy! I promise!)
Oh and guess what I still haven't finished. Hehe. My life story. I told Travis we liked them and that we wanted them back. But then I never gave his mine. Probably cause I'm still scared to do so. I'm afraid of what people will think when they hear about it all. I mean heck, I was suicidal. Partially. I had the thoughts go through my head every now and then, never really gave them the time of day. Which I'm GLAD OF! Thank GOD for that! Otherwise I wouldn't be hear now freaking out over...
Huh? What AM I freaking out over? Nothing, everything, anything? Probably. Sometimes I think I have ADD. It's like I'm sitting there typing something or going through a thought process--SQUIRREL!
See what I mean?
Okay fine, I'll admit it. That was forced, but that's what my brain is like sometimes. It just jumps from one thing to the next. Which is why I have to write everything down. So then I can get some organization...well, as much as I can ever get.
You know, I've really neglected my blog writing. I blame it on--Nevermind. I can't blame it on anything. Excuses excuses. Everyone has an excuse for something, too bad all of my are FAILURES!
WAIT! Before you start lecturing me on staying positive and encouraging myself, just listen. I'm not saying I am a failure, I'm saying the excuses are failures. No, I'm a wonderful person. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I WILL reach my goals. Every single one of them. Because I know that through God all things are possible. You know what, I like that verse. A LOT. Perhaps I'll get it tattooed on me somewhere. Like my ankle? Not the whole thing, just where it's found. I'm not certain yet. I don't quite know what the bible says about Tattoos but I'm not totally against them. I know lots of great Christians who do have them. But then again I haven't looked into it enough.
Dang it, now this post is insanely large. But what's worse, is the fact that it remains title-less. So what shall I name it? Jumbled Thoughts, sure. Sounds good enough to me. But I have a feeling that this will become a reoccurring thing on here. So for now, I'll just post this as Jumbled Thoughts. And if I ever have a second post, I'll create a folder just for them. I think it sounds like a plan, don't you?
Oh wait, I'm the only one here. Heh. Like I didn't know that already. :) But heck, if I want to talk to myself then heck, I'm going to talk to myself. Because I don't give a darn if someone thinks I'm crazy.
THEY ALREADY DO!
So what's the difference if I do anything else crazy? They'd only think it's normal. Heck, if I did something not crazy--now that would be crazy. Because that's not the normal me. Because the normal me is crazy and the crazy me is normal. Now that is one confusing phrase. Isn't it?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Ineffable! (#3)
It's been so long I almost don't remember where I left off. Okay screw that, I know. I just have to think about it a little bit.
So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.
Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....
myself.
I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.
Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.
I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)
So I think I was about to talk about the "Mountains" I'd have to move before I could find my way back to God. I felt like they were blocking me from God. That I was on one side of a mountain range and he was on the other. I'd tell God to just move to the side and look around those mountains and he'd see me. He'd know I was still there, but I knew that wasn't good enough. I'd have to move those mountains out of my way before I could find my way back to God. First step was acknowledging that I had mountains to move. Next I had to figure out what those mountains were, and finally I had to tackle them. I didn't want to and to be honest, still haven't even faced some of them. I tackled several in one day and am finally to the point where I can think about it and not feel that bitterness that I used to. I forgave my grandparents, forgave my brother, forgave my mom, afterall they are only human. AND-I forgave my dad.
Bet you didn't see that one coming. Yes, I did. I really did. I'm finally to the point where I can think about the "abandonment" and not feel so depressed about it. Really my only Mountain left, the one I have yet to even begin, the one that's blocking me from God and from what God has in store for me is....
myself.
I can't do it. I just can't. I'm scared to even begin, scared to know what kind of suppressed emotions I might dig up. I'm not a fan of revisiting painful memories, and often try to forget them entirely but the truth is I need to. In my last post I talked about how I want to enter the mission field. And I do. I earnestly do. I'd love to do that, I'd love to spread the Kingdom of the Lord around and I could even write up an entire post on the mission field and my passion for the poor children around the world living without love, compassion, food, shelter, clothes, anything. I could go into that here, but don't think I will right now. This isn't the right place for that. Maybe later though.
Sigh. Do I have to? Do I have to forgive myself? I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. If I do, will I forget all the things I've learned through these experiences? I feel like if I forgive myself for making those mistakes then I'll feel like I had the liberty to make those same mistakes again. Knowing I'd be forgiven later and all. Does that make sense? I sure hope it does. Hopefully you can understand this complicated mess in my head. I can't even put 3/4 of it in words so I'm hoping that the 1/4 I did manage to get into words makes some sense.
I don't know much right now, but I sure as heck know that things are going to be much much better from here on out. :)
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